Sunday, April 03, 2011

Sunday Funnies To Take You Into Monday

   (As Usual, Click On It To Make It BIGGER)

How ‘bout some Sunday funnies to carry you into Monday?

No?!! Okay!

Don’t read them, then.

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.  Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband.  'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.  The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches. 
2.  There are no dental records.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?' 
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.  'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 

'I don't know.. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in Surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's Advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

Better get a bikini,' he replied.  'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by 
even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's There.'
If you got this far, I hope you have a great week.

If you didn't get this far, then igonre all the stuff above. It wasn't for you.


Olly said...

OMG!!!! So funny! I'll be chuckling about the "There are no dental records" for days, haha. Thanks for the laugh.

suz said...

Great start to the week! I LOOOVED the last one!

Ed said...

Good stuff, John.

Shared a few with the wife. She was not amused.

Anonymous said...

If I was the type of woman who steals....I'd have that on MY blog immediately.

I wanted to let you know that I've started posting my manuscript again, and I hope to continue until the entire book has been placed on my blog. This way, at least someone will get to read it.

flying eagle woman said...

oh thank you thank you thank you!!!!!