Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Oil Change Instructions Women/Men

Oil Change instructions for Women:  

1. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.  
2. Drink a cup of coffee.  
3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.  
Money spent:   Oil Change: $24.00   Coffee: Complementary   TOTAL: $24.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:  

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.  
2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.  
3. Open a beer and drink it.  
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.  
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.  
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.  
7. Place drain pan under engine.  
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.  
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.  
10. Unscrew drain plug.  
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.  Cuss! 
12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.  Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.  
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.  
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.  
15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.  
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.  Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trashcan to avoid environmental penalties.  Drink a beer.  
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.  
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.  
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.  
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.  
21. Drink beer.  
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.  Throw kitty litter on oil spill.  
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.  
24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.  
25. Begin cussing fit.  
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.  
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.  
28. Beer.  
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.  
30. Beer.  
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.  
32. Beer.  
33. Lower truck from jack stands.  
34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.  
35. Beer.  
36. Test-drive truck.  
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.  
38. Truck gets impounded.  
39. Call loving wife, make bail.  
40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.  
Money spent:  Parts: $50.00, DUI: $2,500.00, Impound fee: $75.00, Bail: $1,500.00, Beer: $20.00, TOTAL: $4,145.00    
But you know the job was done right!


T. Roger Thomas said...

Funny stuff

Can I still keep my man card given that I've never actually changed my oil?

Matty said...

I changed my oil and filter ONCE. The new oil wound up in the driveway when I forgot to replace the plug after draining the old oil.

Lesson learned? Pay the twenty something at the local shop.

LoneIslander said...

I will never change my oil on my own.

Yogi♪♪♪ said...

Funny, I used to do it the manly way now I do it the womanly way.

Momma Fargo said...

That is exactly right.

Anonymous said...

Yep. that's why we're the superior gender! LOL!

Ed said...


PorkStar said...

hahahaha very true, yes.

Anonymous said...

hmmmm. My ex-husband used to save money on changing the oil by closing the garage door and making lots of grunting noises. I eventually found his stack of porno magazines in the garage under the unopened cans of oil.

Olly said...

Too Funny!!!!! I have never attempted to change the oil.

Golden To Silver Val said...

This brings back memories in which my husband used the largest Tupperware bowl they make ($$$) of mine to put the used oil in. Needless to say it fatally ruined the bowl and caused a meltdown from me. To me....its worth every penny to pay a shop to do it.

The Reckmonster said...

BAHAHAHAHA! This is sooooo true!

Julie said...


j-tony said...

So true. I change my own oil. Never gotten a DUI because of it, but if I don't do it when the DW wants, she'll take it somewhere.

Coffeypot said...

All, I have changed my own oil as well as families and friends many times. I even use to tune the engines by changing the sparkplugs and points. All you needed was a socket and a screwdriver. If you had the extra money, you could use a gauge to set the gaps in the plugs or points. Or you could use a matchbook cover, which was roughly the same gap needed. Then you would crank the engine and turn the distributor until the engine was running smoothly. Check the tuning by revving the engine using the throttle link beside the carburetor. Then tighten the distributor down. Easy! And I do miss working on a car like that. But now you HAVE to take it to a garage or dealer with computer equipment to get anything done.
I never got a DUI after an oil change either, j-tony. But I was stoned one Saturday afternoon when I decided to check my air filter (I DON’T KNOW WHY.) The wing-nut slipped out of my hand and I couldn’t find it. So in my blurred (but happy and peaceful) mind, I just put a regular nut on the cover. Then I left to pick up my date for a movie. The engine blew up. The wing nut was in the carburetor (never crossed my fuzzy brain to look in there) and hung the butterfly valves open and the engine wouldn’t back down when taking the foot off the accelerator. So I brilliantly floored the peddle and the valves opened up and the wing nut went down into the engine and busted the piston and cracked the cylinder wall. So, $2,000 dollars and a bored, sleeved and rebuilt engine later, I swore off grass forever. I haven’t smoked a joint since. And that was in 1980.