Wednesday, August 10, 2011

A Humorious Hump Day

I’ve been gone.  Yep! Had a problem with Blogger that centered around my stupidity.  But it’s fixed now…the blog, not my stupidity.  No hope there, I’m afraid.

Anydowntime, in the last few days I have received a few good jokes, and hump day is as good a time as any to post a bit of humor.

A Bit of British Humor

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Northam Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same caliber.”   

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a yank. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year.  You want to stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”

Question – are there too many immigrants in Britain?  17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said, “I am not understanding the question please.”

Prince William says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.  Prince Phillip says he doesn’t give a toss, he’s still going. 

Today, in an opinion poll, I was asked ‘If you could eliminate a race from the 2012 Olympics, which would it be?’  I said Asians’.  Apparently most people said the 10,000 meters!! 

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of White-out.  I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Some bastard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s knickers off the washing line.  She’s not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I yelled “Wave” they ran like the clappers!

A Bit of Political Humor

Lost Balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.  She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level.  You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.”

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct.  But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost.  Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist.  "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going.  You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.  You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.  You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

A Bit of Aging Humor 
Observations on Growing Older

~Your kids are becoming you, and you don't like them, but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good. Coming home is even better!

~When people say you look "Great", they add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.  Now you get discounts on everything; the movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

~You forget names...but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything...especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he or she does in bed.  It's called their "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married. Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

~When GOOGLE, iPod, email, and modem were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You tend to use more 4 letter words like "what?" and "when?"

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband/wife has a night out with the guys/gals but is home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've already read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your spouse has retired you'd give anything if he/she would find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet - 2 of which you will never wear.

~But old is good in some things:
Old Songs,
Old Movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

A Bit of Jewish Humor


Six retired Jewish Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.  At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.  

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg says.

He goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?  Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him he should drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.


Beau's Mom said...

Blogger has been giving a lot of us added stress.

Just asking each other: "Where ya wanna go? Whatcha wanna do?" exhausts both of us now.

Naps are an unexpected emergency. They happen anywhere at any time with no warning.

Although you're joking...I'm serious.

As for forgetting what I'm doing in the middle of doing it, I'd like to say....

Coffeypot said...

I hear ya on the naps at anytime. All I have to do is sit down in my chair and...zzzzzzz

Ed said...


Good stuff.

Mike Golch said...

Good one sport. you might get a kick out of my latest posting on golch central.