Monday, December 26, 2011

Common Shop Tools Explained

Some of you men out there might have received a hand or power tool for Christmas.  You probably know what the tool is for and how to use it.  But just in case you don’t know, I am providing some explanations of what these tools are and what their use will be to you.  

You don’t have to thank me.  I do this in my effort to make life easier on my peeps.

So, some common tool gifts could be:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. It’s especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!‘ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.


Momma Fargo said...

LOL. That's about the truth.

Hope you got some automatic tools for Christmas so you don't have to worry about those other problems. Or is that what they mean by automatic?

Gia said...

Hahaha. We have a lot of those sonovabitch tools around here...

Anonymous said...

I love a man with a big tool!!

The Reckmonster said...

You know, I once dated this "toolbox" (pun intended) who basically stole (he called it "borrowing" at the time, but failed to return them, so now I call it "stealing") all of my tools that my dad took the time to compile into a nice little "GIRL FRIENDLY TOOLBOX" - leaving me "tool-less." So, this Christmas, the dadster (aka Santa), brought me a nice big new tool box with all of these nifty new tools in it (most of which I was like, "WTF is THAT for?!" (no worries...none of them were "electric") Now, thanks to YOU, Coffey...I am completely informed. You are a rad Public Service Agent, my friend! LOL

Coffeypot said...

MF, I'm good with anything with power, whether it cuts, screws or vibrates.

Gia, the more tools the bigger the man.

Lil Dreamer, then you wouldn't like me. I'm hung like a field mouse but I'm not a nuisance with it. I don't last long enough to be a nuisance.

Reck, you should offer a free counseling session to a couple of your whacked out vets and go get your tools back. They can be pretty persuasive when given a chance.

LOLA said...

I always wondered what all that crap was for.


Venom said...

Holy jeez, I thought all the tools out in the shop were SOB tools...

Not So Simply Single said...

No power tools here...the only tool I, well, I better keep it clean!

Just saying..

Tracie said...

Apparently my husband has no idea what to do with his tools as he has a garage full but calls the repair man for everything. Maybe he needs to read this.

dc said...

since I am a girl who loves tools I just love this post!
Every girl needs her tool box!