Friday, December 30, 2011

Thank God I’m A Man!

I was perusing my daily bogs when I read that one of my friends was talking about being menopausal.  I won’t say which friend because she is my friend, but I may not be hers.  And she may not want the blogging world to know she is menopausal or worse, that she reads my stuff.  Plus she is menopausal and I do not want to piss her off.

But in her honor (or because I want to make fun of her at a distance) I am presenting a few observations on the subject.

Now I have to go hide for a decade or two.
What’s the difference between a pit bull and a woman in menopause?  Lipstick!

What’s the best way for a husband to predict the mood of his menopausal wife?  Assume her mood will be lousy and occasionally he will be wrong.

What’s 10 times worse than a woman in menopause?  Two women in menopause.

Since women go through menopause do men go through womenopause?

Is it called menopause because every time she hears a man speak she has to pause or she will knock the shit out of him?

When is a man most likely to complain about the mood swings of his menopausal wife?  When she’s not present.

If a woman in menopause were an earthquake, the earth would be in a million tiny pieces.

What is scarier, a puppy or a rational woman in menopause?  The puppy!  A rational woman in menopause doesn’t exist.

If you are looking for stability in your life, befriend a menopausal woman.  Suddenly everything in your life seems rock-solid stable.

You are safer teasing a grizzly bear with cubs than to tell a menopausal woman she’s moody.

There’s more but you get the idea. (said from behind the couch.)

Thank God I’m a man!


Unknown said...

Good thing for you I'm not moving to Georgia!


Rita said...

Since I had all that ripped out of me nearly five years ago, I can ask you this..

For God's Sake, why in the world when the radiator just micro-millimeters under our skin fry up 10 times hotter than the sun is that the EXACT time you stupid men decide to put your arms across us in the middle of the night.

I seriously considered hiding the ax underneath the bed to chop off my husband's arm when he tried that.

Other than that, I loved the hot flashes because I had spent my entire life freezing if the temperature was below 85. I should have been born in India, not Indiana

Janie Junebug said...

What about the male mid-life crisis that leaves a dumped first wife in misery and loneliness, along with their children who will seldom see their father again; a trophy wife who will be sick of the old coot within six months, especially when she learns a chunk of change went to the first wife; and his purchase of a ridiculously expensive sports car he doesn't know how to drive properly. Also, don't forget the silly rug on his head and the attempt to dress as if he's young. And believe me: He's not young. He needs a case of Viagra to get through one session in bed with the trophy wife. Men: Quit while you're ahead and if you can't be supportive while your wife goes through menopause, then shut the hell up and don't try to hang on to the remote control.


Ducky said...

Oh this made me laugh! Mostly because ya'll go through it too. I've seen it with my folks. Cracks me up...

I already know I want the drugs. I figure I'm going to die early anyway so I might as well sail through it high, right? ;-) Make life a little easier for me....and everyone around me. Although I'm really thinking me....

Rita said...

Oh Ducky.

Sorry sweetie, but the drugs do not make you feel high. They only keep you from chopping your hubby's arms off in the middle of the night.

Well that and they keep you from looking like you're a question-mark by the time you're in your mid-50's.

So unless you want to spoon-feed your husband or teach him to eat with his toes, then it's better to take them.

I really was not going to but five different docs told me I would be in a full body cast if I didn't. So, for now at least my husband has both of his arms. I'm not guaranteeing anything about tomorrow.

Rita said...

And do any of you ladies wish to form a posse to take a quick jaunt down to Georgia? I've got a Louisville Slugger, a shovel and some lime packed in the trunk.

Lost_without_a_Map said...

Ya know, sometimes we fake it. You know:
"Honey, not tonight, I have a headache."
"Sweetie, you know I'm menopausal...maybe tomorrow."

Sandra said...

I don't even think all of those apply only to menopausal women. I'm like that for about 21 days of the month. The other 7 I'm ok if you throw me a chocolate bar before entering the room.

Symdaddy said...

My wife has told me to tell you that these are not funny and that you have been added to her list of 'Things to do'.

Could you let go of my arm now,dear? No ... No! Don't twist, don't twist! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarg!!!

Anonymous said...

I will keep all this advice in mind. Thanks John

dc said...

These are the best comments ever! You really stired up a hornets nest, and I think you will need more than a couch to hid behind! How safe are you from Judy?? Better be nice this year, but not too nice, We sort of hate that clingy, smothering thing too

Not So Simply Single said...

Sad but true....

Menopause sucks! Momma NEVER warned us there would be days like this...

Coffeypot said...

Symdaddy, now you know why I'm in hiding. The cranky old broads want to do me harm...just proving my point.