Life’s Demerit System
In Other Words---MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and the points are subtracted.
You don’t get points for doing something she expects.
Here is a sample guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed - +1 You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows - -1
or
You go out to buy what she wants - +5
In the rain - +8
But return with Beer - -5
PROTECTIVE DUTIES
You check out a suspicious noise at night - +1You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing – 0
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something - +5
You pummel it with an iron rod - +10
It’s her pet Schnauzer - -30
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side for the entire party - +1You stay by her die for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend - -2
Named Tina - -10
Tina is a dancer - -20
Tina has breast implants -40
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner – +2You take her out to dinner, and it’s not a sports bar - +3
Okay, it’s a sports bar - -2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team - -10
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie - +1You take her to a movie she likes - +5
You take her to a movie you hate - +6
You take her to a movie you like - -2
It’s called “Death Cop” - -3
You lie and tell her is was a foreign film about orphans - -15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly - -15You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it - +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts - -30
You say to her, “It doesn’t matter, you have one, too” - -80 (plus ER expenses)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” - - 5(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding - -10
You reply, “Where?” - -35
You give any other response - -40
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression - +2You listen for over 30 minutes - +50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV - +500
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep - -4,000
In short, if you do the right thing you get a few points,
but, boy if you fuck up…
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12 comments:
No demerits for you. No demerits for me. No demerits for Willy Dunne Wooters, who makes three.
Love,
Janie
You left out a very important point. All points given to men by women dematerialize at the rate of 50 points per hour. So, unless you are hugh grant but look like Sean Connery, don't expect to wake up tomorrow with any points regardless of anything you do today/night
I'm sorry dear. What were you saying?
Janie, sorry, hon, but, like in high school, I accumulate so many demerits that I may never get out of detention.
I tend to agree Kid. All the points we men earn during the day is to be spent at night getting some. That is all we strive for. Just to get laid peacefully.
Ed, uh, huh?
My advice to my sons.
According to women, men have just two faults. Everything we say, and everything we do. Since you will get dirty bitched no matter what, do as you please.
My daughter in law refers to me as EFIL (evil father in law).
WFS, a title to be proud of. That means you are doing everything right. And, no, you can never win, but we all still try just to keep peace in the house.
No matter how much you learn, you still forget or get it wrong. +1 on WSF.
My ONLY complaint is when I'm talking to Joe, he is staring at the TV. He swears he is not WATCHING the TV, but is listening to me....... after spending every day swearing he's losing his hearing.
I believed him until: (A) I said I was going to kill him (B) he never saw the hammer in his peripheral vision.
LJ, HAHAHAHA
MF... Learn???!!!???
Yeah, another reason I never remarried... :-)
COFFEYPOT!!!!! NOT THE SCHNAUZER!
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