Wednesday, June 24, 2015

A Demerit System For Men

Life’s Demerit System
In Other Words---
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and the points are subtracted.
You don’t get points for doing something she expects.

Here is a sample guide to the point system:

You make the bed - +1
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows - -1
You go out to buy what she wants - +5
In the rain - +8
But return with Beer - -5

You check out a suspicious noise at night - +1
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing – 0
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something - +5
You pummel it with an iron rod - +10
It’s her pet Schnauzer - -30

You stay by her side for the entire party - +1
You stay by her die for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend - -2
Named Tina - -10
Tina is a dancer - -20
Tina has breast implants -40

You take her out to dinner – +2
You take her out to dinner, and it’s not a sports bar - +3
Okay, it’s a sports bar - -2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team - -10

You take her to a movie - +1
You take her to a movie she likes - +5
You take her to a movie you hate - +6
You take her to a movie you like - -2
It’s called “Death Cop” - -3
You lie and tell her is was a foreign film about orphans - -15

You develop a noticeable potbelly - -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it - +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts - -30
You say to her, “It doesn’t matter, you have one, too” - -80 (plus ER expenses)

She asks, “Do I look fat?” - - 5
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding - -10
You reply, “Where?” - -35
You give any other response - -40

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression - +2
You listen for over 30 minutes - +50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV - +500
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep - -4,000

In short, if you do the right thing you get a few points, but, boy if you fuck up…



Janie Junebug said...

No demerits for you. No demerits for me. No demerits for Willy Dunne Wooters, who makes three.


Kid said...

You left out a very important point. All points given to men by women dematerialize at the rate of 50 points per hour. So, unless you are hugh grant but look like Sean Connery, don't expect to wake up tomorrow with any points regardless of anything you do today/night

Ed Bonderenka said...

I'm sorry dear. What were you saying?

Coffeypot said...

Janie, sorry, hon, but, like in high school, I accumulate so many demerits that I may never get out of detention.

I tend to agree Kid. All the points we men earn during the day is to be spent at night getting some. That is all we strive for. Just to get laid peacefully.

Ed, uh, huh?

Well Seasoned Fool said...

My advice to my sons.
According to women, men have just two faults. Everything we say, and everything we do. Since you will get dirty bitched no matter what, do as you please.
My daughter in law refers to me as EFIL (evil father in law).

Coffeypot said...

WFS, a title to be proud of. That means you are doing everything right. And, no, you can never win, but we all still try just to keep peace in the house.

Momma Fargo said...

No matter how much you learn, you still forget or get it wrong. +1 on WSF.

lotta joy said...

My ONLY complaint is when I'm talking to Joe, he is staring at the TV. He swears he is not WATCHING the TV, but is listening to me....... after spending every day swearing he's losing his hearing.

I believed him until: (A) I said I was going to kill him (B) he never saw the hammer in his peripheral vision.

Coffeypot said...


Coffeypot said...

MF... Learn???!!!???

Old NFO said...

Yeah, another reason I never remarried... :-)

Furry Bottoms said...