Monday, February 07, 2011

Home Is The Sailor, Home From The Sea...

As ye olde poet, Robert Lewis Stevenson, loosely said in the poem Requiem, “Home is the sailor, home from the sea, and the hunter home from the hills…body soar as hell, taking plenty of pills.” Or something like that.


Peeps, this was the best weekend I have had in many years. Yes, I am sore from climbing and descending ladders (stairs to you Army and civilian types) and from walking and swaying on a rolling, vibrating hunk of metal, but the trip was worth it all.



We arrived at the pier and proceeded to the USS Kidd (DDG 100) at Oh Six Hundred (6:00 a.m.)

We were checked in through security (and not one sailor, mail or female) threatened to search me or pat me down either. Just check our name off a list of invitees. We then went aboard and straight down a ladder to the mess decks where they served us breakfast.

Then we just toured the ship at our leisure. Of course there were sailors (ship’s company) everywhere and they were the best tour guides ever. NO ONE was too busy or too shy to talk to you. Even the sailors and officers who had their own family members aboard. They all answered any questions about anything on the ship and life aboard her. One thing I did notice, though.  The ladders seem to be much steeper than I remember.  And I use to be able to clime up and down them like a rat on a mooring line. Now it's one step at a time.  But I can still go down them facing forward. Not that old - YET.  Also, the passageways are taller.  For over two years this six foot four inch hunk of loving had to walk stooped over or get my scalp ripped from the overhead pipes and stuff.  On the Kidd I could walk straight up.


 

 This is the ship's Captain, Comander (CDR) Paul Bieraugel, addressing everyone.  This is one cool dude.


Some of the family, friends and crew on the helo flight deck.



I like this picture of a young sailor hold her daughter.  How hard it must be on her to leave her for months at a time.  Sacrifices are made by everyone who are serving or tied to a serice member. God bless'em all.



The guy on the right is Tom Anthony, a survivor of the accident that lost 74 young men. He was not only one of the 10 to survive off the front, he was a Radarman like me - and slept in the same bunk I had. The lady with the red scarf is Sylvia Campbell the Associations Secretary, wife of the President. J.C. (half shone with her) and the guy behind her smiling at the camera is my best pal, Earl Marchbanks. We served together. Seventy seven and still working full time at Fort Benning.


 

When we got underway, I was allowed to go into CIC and watch the guys (and gals) do the same shit I did when we left port.  Here they are tracking the ship's movement through the channel on the chart (map.)  I couldn't get too close and take pictures for security reasons.  If I did, and you saw them posted, I would have to kill you.



These two are looking at a radar scope - in color and with information on the screen.  Back in the day it was green on a black background and hand written notes on a board beside the scope.  The times they are a-changing.



Just to the right of the two guys above, this lovely young lady...What? Oh...sorry, this sailor is watching a television screen. There is a camera on top of the mast that will give CIC visual sightings, too. Good for close in identification that cannot be seen on a radar screen.




From there I went onto the bridge. This is on the starboard wing looking aft. Small wake means slow going out of the channel. The group below is Steve Kraus, also a survivor of the accident, and his son and daughter. Very cool people, too.



This is looking forward, of course, and if you look on the horizon to the right you will see another destroyer coming into port.




Also, a sub was coming in.  Here we are rendering honors to them and they to us as we pass.



Back on the bridge with the Captain, who put on a great show for us.


As soon as we cleared the last buoy, he kicked it up to 30 knots. The flight deck in port is at least 20 feet out of the water. Here it is on a few feet as the wake is kicking up and rear end laid down in the water. Incredible to see and experience. The sound, the wind whipping across the deck, the movement…getting turned on here folks…let me continue with the cruise narrative before...




Here is Tom again.  Check out the foam behind him.



And of course I had to give you some eye candy, too.  What kind of sailor would I be if I didn't have the ladies in mind. 

The ship's company set up the flight deck with tables and chairs for our lunch time.


As I said, the Captain wanted to show off. He told the peeps on the bride that he was gonna ‘tie the knot.’ We went into a high speed, emergency turn and then rolled back the other way and ran through two figure eights, the diameter being just a little over two ship lengths. The decks were at a 45 degree angle. It was fucking awesome.


 

This is looking forward to one of the turns.

After this, he slowed down and we had lunch. During lunch a Marine fighter jet put on a show for us. He made three passes up our port side. The first one was at landing speed for a carrier landing with the wheels down. The second one he zoomed past at attack speed (loud and great), but his third and final pass he broke the sound barrier 100 feet off the water and a half mile behind us. A huge white flash and a awesome boom. When he came by you couldn't hear him, but there was a white cone of shock wave coming off his tail. He was almost past the ship before the sound came along. It was all done before I could get a picture on my dinky little Kodak. But is was an incredible experience. It was even the first time of the ships crew, too. Not many people get to see a sonic boom and fly by at super sonic speed 100 feet off the water. I know, I know. You are so jealous. Suck it up.


 

Then, after a full day of sea maneuvers, 50 cal firing demonstrations, and two pods of porpoise (or dauphins. I only know one is protected and the other is dinner) chasing us, we headed back into San Diego. This is Point Loma, the sight all sailors look for. Like the Statue of Liberty or the Golden Gate Bride. When you see it you know you are home.


 

This is me and Earl with two Mustangs. A Mustang is an officer who started out as an enlisted man, came up through the ranks and went on to become an officer. These are two very cool dudes. On the right is Sean Page, from Dallas, GA, (his mom took the picture for us) my neighbor and the other is John Wojcik. Sean was a Chief Petty Officer and John was 1st Class PO when they received their commissions. John Wojcik even swapped coins with me. I now have his Mustang coin. Best gift ever.  Believe me, the swap meant more to me than it did to him.


 

This is CDR Jennifer Ellinger, the XO of the Kidd. In June, when CDR Bieraugel leaves for his next assignment, she will take over as Captain of the Kidd. One in a line of dedicated and committed women who will lead the US Navy into the twenty-first century and beyond. Ooooh Raah to her, too.


 
 

So now it's time to leave the lovey lady.  But as a sailor, I had to look once more, longly, at her ass.


And to ogle her front.


She is a very classy lady who is also has earned a Combat E on her bride for being an efficient ship during combat maneuvers and assignments. She will also be deploying again in June. I already have John down as a milsupport person to receive goodies from a jealous Georgian.

That about winds up this seafaring tail, folks. If you have any questions, just let me know.

Later, Peeps!
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Musical Interlude

Hey, Peeps! I'm home from my extraordinary trip to San Diego, and I will be posting about it, with some pictures, later today.


But first, here is a musical interlude to easy you anxious craving for more cut and past post from me.



Not a dirty word in it or from me, too.  Fucking awesome ain't it.

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Scottish Compassion


(Actually this is Nick Vujicic, on inspirational and motivational speaker to kids)


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No"..

She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."
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I will feel 'fooked', too.  All I will be doing between now and Sunday night is reading blogs - maybe commenting some.  I will be leaving in the morning for San Diego and my day cruse on the USS Kidd (DDG 100).

I will take some pictures and try not to bore you with them when I get back.  In the mean time, y'all have a great rest of the week and weekend.  See ya later.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

The Deaf Bookkeeper



A Mafia Godfather finds out that his deaf bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?

Brings tears to your eyes don‘t it!
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Why Men Are Happier Than Women



Men are just happier than women.  We keep it simple while y’all are…damn if I know…

Here are a few examples of what I’m talking about.

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat-Boy, Dick-Head and Crap-for-Brains.


EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337, and a man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night (but the men will still want sex in the morning.)

OFFSPRING
Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Do you understand what I’m talking about now? Good!

Monday, January 31, 2011

Did Phillip fart?

Did Phillip fart?


He probably did, and does all the time. What the heck, he’s almost ninety, and at that age you don’t hold anything back even if you wanted to.  He just has pray that it is a fart.

The facial expressions are priceless, though.  Look at the Queen's face and Phillip trying to look so innocent!

Remember:

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while.

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces .

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget
Sweet old farts like you!


Lovely!  Kinda brings a tear to your eye - right?

PONDERISMS


1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3· Life is sexually transmitted.

4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.

10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?

13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it?

14· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

15· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

16· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

17· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

18· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

19. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

20. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

If you've seen these before...sorry!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

RAF Humor To The End



A picture of the last Harrier fly by over the Houses of Parliament.


You have to squint a bit to see what the boys are trying to say!

They were retired on Dec 16th 2010 after years a awesome service.

Well Done RAF!

Another Award - WTF

I received another award last night. Two in one week. Damn! I’m humbled and amazed. You’d think I owe y’all money or something.



This one is different and special because it was made especially for me (or at least I am the first one to receive it) by  The Queen of WTF and The Dutchess, two sisters who ran a Royal Family of Hookers with a cast of blogger characters.

It seems now that they are, humm, I don’t think ‘old’ is the right word, perhaps just ‘ready’ to retire and together opened a retirement home for old, worn-out hookers. The Royal Retirement Home.

Open and honest to a fault and funny in their irreverence you need to check’em out.

Thanks ladies! Does this mean, as a perk for this award, that I get a freebie? 

I was actually hoping I could finally fulfill my like’s ambition and dream of becomming the Quality Control Inspector in your whorehouse.  Send me a application and I’ll send you my references.

Thanks!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

SNUGGLING ON THE BEACH



This unique video is of a tourist who sat on the beach to watch the seals and penguins on Gold Harbor, South Georgia. Unexpectedly, one of the seals is apparently attracted to her and, slowly works his way over to her.

He seems to 'fall in love' and snuggles and flirts with her. It is quite an unusual and interesting scene. The seals are huge (6,000 lbs), yet she never seemed afraid...more amused...while someone shot the video of this incident.

Gold Harbor, South Georgia, is located off the southern tip of South America. (sub arctic) It is a small bay five miles S-SW of Cape Charlotte, with Bertrab Glacierat its head, along the east end of Georgia. The west end of the beach, where a glacial stream flows, is a breeding ground for various types of penguins and large seals.

It is not a frequent destination for tourists.

In Southeast Georgia (USA) the same thing occurs on our beaches, but with fat, rich men instead of sea life.

Enjoy!

Friday, January 28, 2011

A Couple Of Aspirin Will Work Everytime



I went out with my buddies and had a few drinks last night.  With all the camaraderie and ’man boasting’, I kinda got in the mood for some loving.  Now there were plenty of nice looking ladies there enjoying a good time, too, but I chose to be true to Judy and went home.


When I got home, I found her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open.

I run to the bathroom medicine cabinet and get two aspirin, snuck over to the bed and drop them into her mouth.

Of course she chokes but recovers and asks, ‘What did you just put in my mouth?’

I told her, 'Two aspirin.'

She replies, 'BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!'

And I said, 'That's what I wanted to hear.'

 

It's Official - I'm Funny

***Peeps! I was just checking my site meter and I just got a hit on this post from the Vatican City.  Oh Hell! Pray for me, folks.  I'm allergic to lightning.***

Peeps, I have this fairly new blogger and follower who is not only beautiful and sexy, but she puts out too. Puts out some great writing, that is (what else did you think I mean?) and she has impeccable taste when it comes to humor.  She thinks I’m funny.

I don’t know why.  I don’t believe she drinks to extremes or uses drugs or is mentally incapacitated or anything.  She just thinks I’m funny.  Perhaps you should see things her way. I might get more laughs and less restraining orders if you do.

She needs some followers, too. Check her out. She is The Minute Man’s Wife, and I hope that means he’s in the National Guard or State Militia and not an account of his love making abilities.




Anytrophy, she gave me this cool LOL Award. I’m suppose to pass it along to someone else, but you know me an rules. So many of you make me laugh that I cannot choose one over the other. So if you are funny (and you know who you are) then please accept this cool award from me.

You’re welcome!

Love Y’all Long Time, Peeps!
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Thursday, January 27, 2011

ATM INSTRUCTIONS



A new Bank Lobbyn sign reads:


'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-Through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

New Advances in Redneck Technology

Actually some of these are quiet ingenious.

Okay! Some of these are pretty good.

Alright! Alright! They are dumb as hell. Shut it!






















Let's see you come up with a better mouse trap!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Formal Apology Thing-A-Maggie

Some of you (not me, mind you) out there occasionally make statements that may be hurtful to others. If you meant them, okay. Fuck'em if they don't like your comment.


But sometimes things are said that are unintentionally hurtful and you never meant to be offensive.

Not to worry!

I found this on a FB page, Now Ain’t That Funny, and on my friend, Dawn Marie’s post.

Now you will have a tool to help get you back into good graces with the offended party. Or at least explain you feelings. Just fill in the appropriate blanks and send it off.


                 (Click on it to make it so's you can read it)

Just trying to make you life a little easier.

You're welcome!
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Working A Puzzle



A little girl calls her daddy at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies.  "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said.  "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a rooster," she said.

So the dad arrives home, looks at the puzzle and tells his little girl, "Okay, Sweetie, we need to put the corn flakes back in the box."

Monday, January 24, 2011

A Little Church Humor - Very Little



How to get to Heaven from Ireland ...

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class (okay, that there should tell you this is a joke) to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

‘NO!' the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all yelled 'NOOOO!!!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FRIKIN' DEAD!"

A curious race, we Irish.

Yeah! I know! But maybe this one is a little better.

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, Father Frank, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'
 
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.'

 
'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of Youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional.'


But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'

Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that.'

'But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.
 
No, huh?  Well, back to the drawing board.

Redneck Monday - Another Mo Sayings



Ain’t been ‘round much lately, and ain’t said nary a thing about learning you proper redneck English and such. So pay ‘tention to what I’ma bout to tell ya so‘s you can know if‘en you‘re a Redneck or ain‘t.

(Translation: It’s been awhile since I’ve posted any Redneck Monday teachings, enlightening you to some of our redneck sayings, descriptions and feelings. Therefore, I will bring you up to date on the latest sayings that will give you an idea if you have any redneck leanings or tendencies.)

You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15 You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean?
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Now, what do you think?  You a Redneck or have tendencies toward being one.  I mean, I KNOW you wanna be, but that only comes from the Grace of God.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

What Do You Look Like?


     In my mind I look like Tom Selleck; IRL I feel like Barny Fife.

Contortion In A Cube

Talk about have clean personal hygiene...


When they go to the next town or city, they can go by UPS and save the cost of TWO airline tickets.