How To Start Each Day On A Positive Note

I stole this from my amazing buddy over at Sarge Charlie. Go read his blog, it is full of amazing articles and jokes from a true American Hero, Patriot, and all around good ole GA Red Clay boy from the hills of North Georgia and now living in Florida - when he and his lovely wife, The Empress Bee (of the high sea), over at Muffin53 are not on a cruse ship somewhere.

How to start each day with a positive outlook…

1. Open new file on your computer
2. Name it Barack Obama
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin
4. Empty the Recycle Bin
5. Your PC will ask “Do you really want to get rid of Barack Obama.”
6. Firmly click “yes”
7. Feel better?
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GOOD - Tomorrow we’ll do Nancy Pelosi & the day after, Harry Reid.

Nude Blogging From The Motel Friday

Well it’s nude blogging time again, peeps. Not much to report except that I am very tired tonight. More tired than usual. That’s because of some good things and some bad things.

The good thing is, there was no traffic, wrecks, or road construction going on for some reason, so I was running 65 to 75 all the way up there and back.

The bad thing is, there was no traffic, wrecks, or road construction going on for some reason so I was running 65 to 75 all the way up there and back.

That means the driving was boring because there is nothing of interest going on. That makes the fatigue factor more prominent. Just setting there driving and listening to audio books is like being in a trance. For me, that means I start to nod off. So I have to pull into a rest area and take a cat nap.

When there is a lot of traffic or congestion, you have to be more aware because of the starting and stopping and the fucking idiots who jump from lane to lane because they cannot stand to see someone pass them.

Anytransporting, that’s about all I have for tonight…except for this exercise tip:

To Travel and To Ponder

Time to travel and thoughts to ponder...that's what's here today.

I have another run to New York tonight. The Vietnamise and Chinese resturants are doing a booming business I guess. Seriously, though, I have a load up puppies and a few adult dogs to deliver to new forever homes. Now with be on the dinner menu.

The other half of this post is some points to ponder...again. A h/t goes out to ACE for sending them to me.

Ten Thoughts to Ponder ~

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich...

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky, not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And Number 1
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age;
it doesn't last long."

I'll see you guys on Friday night with some Nude Blogging...iffen I'm up for it. :-)
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HUMP DAY HUMOR - A Few Twisted Toons

HOPE AT LEAST ONE OF THESE PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE!!
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Thoughts On Aging

~ Maybe it’s true that life beings at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~ There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
~ You’re getting old when you don’t care where you spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
~ Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun is a lot more work.
~ Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
~ You know you are getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
~ Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
~ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
~ Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
~ A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police.
~ You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
~ The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~ You’re getting old when you are sitting in a rocker and can’t get it started.
~ You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
~ The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
~ Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
~ It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.
~ You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
~ Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
~ When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need while you are down there.
~You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can’t remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

Finally, as an aside, this lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but could find one big enough for her family. Exasparted, she ask the a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am. They're dead."
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Wur Da Doh

The Future Is Here - Almost


I have to wonder how safe the door will be in an accident, though.

My Old Lady Friend

 

I have a chocolate lab named Gabby. She is a chocolate lab, has always been a chocolate lab with brown all over...until this past few months. The old girl (around 15 years old) has now got a white beard like her dad. Ain't she sweet? Me too!!!

See the halo shining over my head? I'm so sweet!!!

Alcohol Will Do It Every Time

A fellow walks into a bar.


He notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well...you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first...Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.


Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back who hasn’t eaten in three days and is hurting with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.


Third - There's a lady upstairs who has never had sex...You have to take care of that problem!'


The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender....'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, and simmers and thinks. He finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks...but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds...then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar,
with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that woman with the bad tooth?'

The moral to the story: Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!
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Redneck Monday - Again With The Sayings

Well, it’s that time of the week again, peeps. More sayings to help you along life’s path. Enjoy and learn. Ya never know when I throw in a pop quiz.

Like trying to nail Jello to a tree.

Hard liquor and a hammer oughta fix that

A cat always blinks when you hit it on the head with a sledgehammer.

The more you cry, the less you have to piss.

If it were up to me, I'd take Heaven for the climate and Hell for the company.

Sure, drinking kills brain cells - but only the weak ones.

If stupid could fly, you'd be a jet.

Slightly burned out, but still smokin'.

I'm mad enough to drown puppies.

Five gallons of shit in a 2 gallon bucket.

Just 'cause the cat had'er kittens in the oven, don't make'em biscuits! (referring to
Yankees coming down south).

She's so skinny, she look's like a gut with the shit slug out of it.

Her mouth is going like a bell clappin out of a goose's ass.

I'll be dipped in bacon fat, before I do that.

He’s shakin’ like an old dog shittin’ logging chains.

Coffee in a can, sugar in a cup, poke her in the butt you wont knock her up.

That is harder to find than a white bean in a black cat's ass.

Wound tighter than a three day clock.

I was stuck hub deep to a ferris wheel.

Stuck so bad I had to get a four wheel drive helicopter to pull my truck out!

Messed up like a kite in a hail storm!

Happier than a woodpecker in a lumber yard!

She was all over that like a bad rash on a big ass.

Busier than a blind dog in a meat house.

Dumber then a coal bucket.

I could eat the ass end out of a rag doll.

It's hotter than two dogs fucking in an attic on a hot august day.

I haven't had this much fun since the pigs ate my brother.

I don't know what I drank last night, but my mouth tastes like the bottom of a birdcage.

It's colder than a ...bankers' heart.

Riding in a car with a crazy driver..."I was chewin' buttonholes."

How are you driving? "I'm keepin' her between the ditches.

Screamed Like A Mashed Cat.

Harder than a wedding dick.

Busier than a one-armed paper hanger with jock itch.

Stuck tighter than snot on a hot oven door.

He's tighter than a piss-ant's ass stretched over a 50 gal barrel.
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Puns for Fun

Creative Puns for Smart Minds
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, “Keep off the Grass.”
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21 A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!.
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Stalking Cat

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Is it me or is this just damn freaky.



This is a thing nightmares are made of. And no sound makes it even freakier.

Signs of the Times

Signs help us out in many ways.
They guide us, inform us, and, well…

Observe:

A SIGN…
Over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
“Yesterday's Meals on Wheels”

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in. "

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a Church's billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff.”

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

On the Back of Another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises.”
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WHO U?

See on the left side all the followers? There are 122 listed, not to mention any that follow me privately - to ashamed to let your name be associated with me? Good, my job is done. My blog is not for everyone, I know that, but I am unique just like everyone else. I do know that probably on 10 to 15 percent of those names actually follow me and fewer even comment. That’s okay, too.

However there are some that I wonder why? In going over the list the other day I noticed some of you are very religious and blog about it regularly. That’s okay with me because I am not offended by your beliefs, but I have to wonder why in God’s name you follow me.

Some of you are poets and, though your prose are great, I just don’t have the time, interest or smarts to understand poetry (unless it more like There was a lady from Cass who had a dimple in her ass… - that kind of stuff.)

Some of you have hundreds, some thousands of followers, so why me? And some of you get hundreds of comments, so what could I say that means anything?

I do follow (lurk) many of you and never comment because there is nothing to say. Everyone has said it already.

And some of you have stopped blogging or blog so infrequently that I just don’t go there anymore.

But the ones that are bugging me the most are those of you who are followers that I cannot find. You have no blog or your name on you picture does not carry me to a blog. So WHO ARE YOU?

Now, as I said before, if you don’t want the world to know you follow me, I can understand that. And if you prefer to say anonymous like this, that’s okay, too. But I would appreciate it if you would email me (johnjudyc@att.com) and tell me something about yourself and how I can read your stuff, if you have a blog. And to tell my why you follow me when you don’t blog. How do you know me?

Here is a fast list:
Ali
w6pea
Lígia Guerra - Darning you are from Brazil - and your bolg is in Portuguese. Do I look like I can speak or read Portuguese? Didn’t think so. So why are you following me?
Angiest, Denis
Monique Coco
Deb C.
bluespinelgirl
kalpesh sorthiya

Thanks in advance for contacting me…and for following (if you still do).
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Sex Tape

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I made a sex tap last night!

Rodney and Friends To Entertain You

Got about a few minutes to kill? You can tell I’ve been playing around on You Tube again. But these are not your typical dance, swoon, daydream or fuck your fist tunes. They are educational. Listen closely and you will learn sommen.

Rodney - Going With a Fat Girl


Rodney - Little Things That Piss Me Off


Tim Hawkins - The Wife Song


The Woman Song


Last but not least:
The Man Song


Made ya laugh a little didn’t I?.
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Maxine Is A Real Person

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Peeps...I have discovered a real life Maxine.



I heart this lady!
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iStuff

Recently I got my son an iPhone for his birthday, and eventually got my daughter an iPod for hers .

Needless to say, I was stunned when the family went in together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day.

So, I thought I would keep the iStuff going so I got my wife an iRon for her birthday.

It was around then the fight started......
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The Awesome Airman Mom and Squid Dad

I’m not a very good friend - I suck at it really. Case in point…


(Studly Hungwell, Judy Hungwell, Theresa and Matt)

Judy and I had the great fortune and opportunity to meet one of my favorite blogging ladies and her husband. Airman Mom has been a blogging friend and follower for a couple of years now. She is the sweetest lady and mom of two boys who are in the Air Force and two daughters who are her heart. Well, all of them are her heart. And that heart is worn on her sleeve as she does so much for our guys and gals in uniform. She even goes to her airport to greet incoming flights from the rock pile and sand pit.

She and her husband, Matt, were in town adding to her bucket list of visiting every major league baseball park where she can show off her O’s jersey (Matt is a Nationals and Pirate (or Phillies) fan - opposites do attract I guess.) After breakfast they were heading to Charleston for Matt’s Navy reunion. He was a ‘Nuker’ on a submarine and was looking forward to seeing some of his pals he hasn’t seen since the 80’s.

Wonderful people and I diss them by waiting four days before writing about it. I can hear y’all mumbling out there and imagine the looks of disgust on your faces. I feel the same way. I have been jabbing broken glass into my legs for hours now in contrition.

But I promise to not be so neglectful with the next peeps I meet, if you ever come back here again. I just had a few things on my mind and some stupid stuff to post. No excuse! Just is!

Love ya, Airman Mom and Airman (Squid) Dad. Come back, please! We’ll show you a good time in and around the ATL.

Sorrowfully humble, Coffey Pot!
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Redneck Monday - Mo Sayings and Stuff

It’s that time of the week, peeps. Mo sayings to educate you and help you in conversations with us‘ens.

Begin:

Dead as iced catfish!

His gal is so fat they hire a rodeo clown to distract her when grocery shopping.

I'm hangin' in there like loose teeth.

He's like a fart in a skillet. (Wound up.)

Well I'll be dipped in shit and rolled in bread crumbs.

I feel like a bag of smashed assholes.

She's wilder than a fifth ace.

Look, she’s as graceful as a sow on ice.

If you ask kindly, I might could.

She'd bitch if her ice cream was cold.

He's about as funny as a pissant floating on his back with a hard on tootin for the
bridge to open up!

He's so drunk he couldn't hit the floor with his hat.

I'm as giddy as a school girl on prom night.

Smaller than a tick turd.

Happier than a gopher in soft dirt.

Smoother then a hairy nipple on wax day.

You're so blind you would miss a crawdad playin' cards with Ray Charles.

Cool as a handjob on a honeymoon.

When it doubt, knock 'em out!

His family tree looks like a totem pole.

Her teeth are so bad, she could eat an apple through a picket fence.

I'm hotter than a tick on a dog's balls.

He’s about as useless as a restrictor plate.

Well don't just sit there like a knot on a log!

That won't last two foggy mornings.

If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

Religious Truths

During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.
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