Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Husband and Wife For Real

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A wedding tragedy is when you marry for love and then find out he has no money.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.

Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful


Christine said...

Mixed emotions. LOL. Had to read that one twice to get it. I am a little slow today.

Lickety Splitter said...

Whew... thank heavens I drew the line at a handful of boyfriends, two fiances and no husband.

Anonymous said...

Marriage always looks good to a single person.

June said...

Funny shit once again!

powdergirl said...

What makes you think I don't feel beautiful when I'm sashaying on down the road proudly displaying my beer gut, bald head held high?

Matty said...

These are excellent. If I can only remember them to repeat to my wife.

gayle said...

So funny!! Love these!1