Saturday, February 16, 2013

Connubial Bliss - NOT

I know you Peeps think Judy and I live in connubial bliss.  But that simply is not the case.  Below are a few snippets and views of our marriage.

I went out last night and got really wasted.  I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick that was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home okay.

The wife is on the warpath again.  She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.  My next shit could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.  It was my own fault.  I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.  But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.  So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong.  I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!  I panicked.  I didn’t know what to do.  Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.  I told her, "Only you.  All the others kept me awake all night!"

Judy packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "So now you want me to stay??!!??"

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.  It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

No marriage is they tell me.  Yours????


Well Seasoned Fool said...

Divorced 22 years. Before that, lived your post.

Aleta said...

OMG, don't know if I should laugh or cry at those jokes!

Old NFO said...

Divorced 25 years... :-)

Suz said...

Well now I feel bad for my husband!

NavyOne said...

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles! Haha!

Paxford said...

Mehh.... Still hopefully looking. Surely there are some Non-idiots, non-fools or non-mamma's boys out there...

btw - going to steel the scrabble one :D

Corina said...

Coffey, I love your blog. I don't comment a lot, if ever, but felt I needed to express gratitude for the smiles and guffaws you bring to my life! Keep on rockin'!

Janie Junebug said...

I promised Dr. X that when he dies I will wear a red dress to his funeral and dance on his grave.


Anonymous said...

I'm never going to be able to look at a comment from you again and not think of Scrabble.
LMAO! Awesome with a heaping side of HSICBHST.
(Holy shit I can't believe he said that)

I am going to have to use a few of these on a few people.