TSA Report

Year-end statistics!

Airport Screening from the Department of Homeland Security

Terrorist Plots Discovered – 0

Transvestites – 133

Hernias – 1,485

Hemorrhoids – 3,172

Enlarged Prostates – 8,249

Breast Implants – 59,350

Natural Blonds – 3

A Priests Death Bed Wish

In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN."

Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Obama.

"Amen", said Pelosi.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

The Confessional

 
One Sunday I go into a confessional box and say to the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”

The Priest says, “Is that you, John?”

“Yes, Father, it’s me.”

“Who was the woman you were with, my son?”

“I cannot tell you, Father, because I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

The Priest says, “Umm, was it Brenda O’Malley?”

“No, Father.”

“Was it Fiona MacDonald?”

“No!”

“Was it Ann Brown?”

“No!”

“Was it Mary Elizabeth O’Shea?”

“No, Father, it wasn’t.”

“Was it Cathy Morgan?”

NO, Father! I cannot tell you.”

The Priest finally says, “Well, Johnny me boy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Mary’s. Now go back to your seat.”

When I got back to my pew my buddy, Chuck, slides over and whispers, “What happened?”

“Well, I got four Our Fathers and five Hail Mary’s and six good leads.”

High Five Slaps!!