Showing posts with label questions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label questions. Show all posts

Monday, March 12, 2012

I Have Questions





















I have questions.  Not all the time, but often I will be driving down the road and a question will pop into my mind and I’ll swerve a lane or two.  Or waking down the hall on the way to the kitchen or john or…wherever and a question will pop into my head and I will bump into the wall or the door.  It might be better and safer for me if I stop asking these questions, but what can I say?  Inquiring minds want to know:

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five ENJOYS it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed Up?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tinny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what Chinese mothers use.  Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  What are we supposed to do, write to them?  Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Okay!  I didn’t thing of these alone.  I have to thank Suz for offering them for your consumption.  Now digest them and pass them out for others to sniff over.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME



QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!


If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway..

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


Now I have a headache…gonna go lie down.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Question



What Gets Longer When Pulled,

Fits Between your Boobs,

Inserts Neatly in a Hole

AND Works Best When Jerked?










A Seatbelt you pervert! Buckle up!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Questions

 
***Another one just came in:
Hi Coffepot
If you could re-do one thing in you life over what would it be and why? - Lindi
Today, right now, it would have to be marring the second time. Just not happy right now.


***One more question from RWA

Southern (in)Sanity said...
If you could eat at the Waffle House three meals a day for an entire week, would you order the same "breakfast" each day? If so, what would it be?
I only got there once, sometimes twice a day. But if you are talking just breakfast:

Fiesta Omelet with sliced tomatoes instead of grits or hash browns.

Cheese and eggs with country ham and cheese grits.

Biscuit and gravy with bacon.

A bowl of cheese grits with bacon.

Occasionally steak and eggs with tomatoes.

Grill cheese with lettuce and tomatoes like a sandwich.

All starting with a cup of black coffee and a diet coke with the meal.

I don’t eat the something every time. I vary it.




Okay, so there wasn’t a big rush to the question trough, but for those of you who did, her are the awnsers - for good or bad.

Special K said...
Alright Coffey, are you caffeinated or decaffeinated? HA OK real question. Boxers or briefs! BWA HA HA OK I can't think of a real question but feel free to answer the above.
I am definitely CAFFEINATED - I can keep you awake all night - talking my ass off.
Sometimes briefs but mostly Boxer-Briefs - the best of both worlds. Unless I’m running around Commando, which is often in the summer.



Eddierude said...
Where is your empirical evidence that Bush was a successful business man?I went over to your blog and see that you are just a Bush Basher and nothing I can say will help your pitiful attitude. First of all, Bush isn’t around anymore. He’s out of the limelight, so let it go. It’s old and boring. Secondly, I don’t care if he was a successful business man, he WAS a great President. He did not succumb to political pressure and bogus surveys like the Clintons did, and he stayed the course in keeping America safe. During most of his term the economy was great, unemployment was the lowest in over 50 years and it wasn’t until the Dems took over and the Liberal media stoked up its negative press that he was beat down emotionally. Obama is dangerous for this country and will have us bankrupt before his term is over if the American people don’t come together and defeat is ass. Finally, everyone is entitled to an opinion and yours will be allowed here anytime as long as you are civil. But you are from Canada and therefore have no say into what MY President does. I never comment on the bullshit that goes on in Canada because, mainly I’m not that versed in Canadian politics, and I feel that is your issues. So no, I cannot give you empirical evidence becaue it simply does not matter and is not important in anything. But at least he did have a job, unlike Obama. Obama lama is where his at because he rode a wave of ‘look how cool we are for voting for a black man.’ He has sounded himself with convicted criminals, tax evaders and radical scum from the Chicago political system, one of the most vile and corrupt in the country. He is a joke and a conman and an embarrassment to Real American.

dana said...
Does your wife know you have access to the computer?
I can’t walk and chew chewing gum at the same time, so she used that as birth-control. Give me a stick of gum as we were going to bed and it was over for the night. She slept well and I had jaw cramps. But I got wise and quit chewing gum. So she bought me a laptop and a lap desk. Now I spend all night blogging, Face Booking and Tweeting. It works out great because SHE is getting to old for nightly romps.

Anonymous said...
Did you inhale?
T

Anon T, so deeply my toes emitted smoke. Back in the day when booze and weed were a big part of my life, I also raced on a couple of the area bullrings. The nights were spent either working on the car, and drinking afterwards or at one of the guys homes drinking and munching out and inhaling. It is a very dangerous combination because you can choke easily on snacks and laughing your ass off at the same time. One night we were really blitz and Chris was sitting right next to the television screen staring at it. This was back in the day before cable and the stations actually went off the air at midnight and the screen was white with little black dots and a hissing sound. Remember? Anyway Chris was sitting there staring at the screen and he turned to me and said, "Johnny (back in the day I was called Johnny becasue no one had yet to realize the brilliance and the depth that only a John could handle,) look at this shit." I set down next to him and was wondering what was going to happen when Ron looked over our shoulders and ask what was going on. Chris said, "This is so cool, man. Johnny and I are watching the ant races. I pulling for this one right here (pointing at a dot)." I almost choked on my beer laughing at that dumb-ass. So yeah, I inhaled.

Hope said...
If u had to loose one of your five senses which one and why?
Smell! Everthing else is so cool and beautiful to see, feel, hear and taste (though this is tied into smell). But I would give up smelling a rose or a fart or a nasty cooter to enjoy everything else.

What place would you like to vacation that you haven't been.
Australia/New Zeeland, I have friends there that could put on a great vacation; Alaska for the beauty and savagery of the wilderness, Austria and Ireland for the castles, and I wish I was rich enough to own a motor home and travel all over the great USofA on the back-roads.

Okay? Did that do the trick for ya?

*****

I have spent the last two days reading some of your older blogs and following links to some of your peeps blogs, too. Not all of you, but some of you. I didn’t comment on the stuff I read because they are a year or two old. I was just reading for pleasure. I am fortunate to have some pretty damn good writers in my blogging community and it has been fun reading our stuff.

But on one of the sites I ran across this idea that seems kind of dangerous but fun. So I though I would try it.

I know you guys stay awake at night wonder about who I am, where I come from, how did I get to be so wonderful and shit like that.

So here is your challenge - or is a challenge for me - ask me ANYTHING you want to know. Every question will be answered. Now let’s face it, I can’t give you the answer to the meaning of life or what the winning lottery numbers are, but if you want to know anything about me or my life, ask away in the comments section. The time frame? I’ll come back with answers on Thursday. If there are no takers and there are no questions, then I’ll post a joke or two.

Right now I will leave you to ponder your questions with these little tidbit from Andy Roonery:

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX

Impotence: Is nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings…”

There are three stages in a man's life:
Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact with women?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Who Is Obama?

Barack Obama is less of a person than an image, a brand. People see whatever they want just as they do on a Rorschach test. But does anyone really know him?

In fact, he is:

--An empty suit.
--A man with no birth certificate.
--A man who was deserted in childhood by his biological father.
--A man whose birth records, both in the United States and Kenya, are sealed by government order.
--A man whose childhood mentor, Frank Marshall Davis, spied on U.S. military installations in Hawaii for the Soviet Union, edited a communist newspaper, authored pornographic novels, and wrote poetry in praise of Joseph Stalin.
--A man mentored by and still supported by radical Muslims.
--A man who promised transparency in government, but has spent over a million dollars in legal fees hiding information that would determine his eligibility to be President.
--A former drug user.
--A man whose academic records are sealed from kindergarten through law school.
--A man who arrived in New York in June of 1981 without enough money to get a hotel room, but one month later flew to Indonesia and Pakistan. Why did he go? Who paid his expenses?
--A man who traveled to Pakistan when it was illegal for U.S. citizens to do so. So what country’s passport did he use?
--A man whose Law School Admission Test scores and grades at Columbia University are known to have been mediocre, but was admitted to Harvard Law School through the intervention of a Saudi named Khalid al-Mansour.
--A law review editor who never published an article in any law review.
--A lawyer with no significant accomplishments in the law and no reputation in the legal community.
--A former State and U.S. Senator, who never authored a piece of legislation.
--A disciple of the Marxist Saul Alinsky.
--A product of the Chicago political machine the most corrupt political organization in America.
--A man who selects Marxists, corrupt politicians, and criminals as his close political associates and personal friends.
--A man whose presidential candidacy was endorsed by the Democratic Socialists of America, the Socialist International, and the Workers International League.
--A man lauded for the literary brilliance of two memoirs, both of which were ghostwritten by others.
--A so-called Christian who says that knowing when human life begins is above his pay-grade, but somehow knows that abortion is permissible at any stage.
--A man who thinks waterboarding is immoral, but that partial-birth abortion is moral.
--A man who publicly laments slavery in America which was abolished 150 years ago but praises Islam, which still practices both slavery and the sexual mutilation of young girls.
--A man who speaks endlessly about helping the less fortunate, but gives almost none of his sizeable income to charity not even to his half-brother, who is living in squalor in Kenya.
--A man who had the most left-wing voting record in the United State Senate, but was predicted by the press to govern from the middle.
--A man who has never created a job, met a payroll, or even operated a lemonade stand, but wants to tell Detroit how to make cars.
--A President who has never before served as an executive in either the private or the public sector.
--A Commander-in-Chief who doesn’t know how to shoot a rifle, throw a hand-grenade, drive a tank, fly a plane, or con a ship.
--A Commander-in-Chief who has publicly divulged some of our nation’s most important intelligence secrets.
--A man who has been put in charge of the largest economic engine that ever existed, but has never invested in the stock market and admits total ignorance of it.
--A President who says that science will guide his administration, but has no education in the sciences.
--A man who is proficient in reading what is written for him on a teleprompter, but jerks and stammers his way through any off-the-cuff speaking.
--A man whose health records are sealed from childhood to the present day.
--A man whose educational records are sealed from childhood through law school.
--A man who spent 20 years in a church whose pastor espouses Marxist Liberation Theology, anti-Americanism, anti-capitalism, and anti-Semitism, but claims he never heard his pastor utter anti-American and anti-Semitic statements.
--A man who added more to the National Debt in 100 days than all other Presidents did in the past 220 years, yet feels qualified to lecture Americans about fiscal responsibility.
--A man who publicly expressed disdain for the20U.S. Constitution on a Chicago radio station because it limited the governments ability to redistribute wealth.
--The first American President to bow before a foreign head of state a Muslim dictator.
--A man who sits and listens submissively while his country is castigated by Daniel Ortega a Communist thug whose own daughter accused him of raping her.
--A narcissist who gave the Queen of England a present from the United States --an iPod containing recordings of his own speeches.
--A so-called Christian who officially declared “Gay Pride Month” for a lifestyle that the Bible calls an abomination.
--A man who wanted Americans to ignore his Muslim name during his election campaign, yet boasts of his Muslim name when he travels to Muslim countries.
--A man who can name hundreds of America’s shortcomings, yet none of its great accomplishments.
--A President who claims the moral high ground by closing Gitmo yet supports the transfer of terror suspects to countries where horrific torture is certain.
--A President who scoffed at being called a socialist yet acted to nationalize the auto industry, the banking industry, and the insurance industry . . . and now seeks to nationalize the healthcare industry.
--A President who violates private property rights, the sanctity of contracts, and the rule of law three essential principles that go back over a thousand years in the Common Law tradition.
--A man who promised 95% of all Americans a tax cut, but is increasing taxes on 100% of the population through inflation, the cruelest tax of all.
--A lawyer who represented ACORN an organization now indicted in several states for voter fraud whose stated goal is to get as many people on welfare as possible in order to destroy our financial system.
--A President who cheated GM’s bondholders by giving their property to the UAW in a political payoff.
--An American President who frequently criticizes his own country when speaking in foreign countries, but never praises America’s generosity, goodness or greatness.
--A President whose Secretary of the Treasury cheated on his taxes as did several other appointees and advisors.
--A President who, despite the current federal debt of 100 trillion dollars, wants to add the greatest debt ever by nationalizing healthcare.
--A President who scoffs at being called a socialist yet has appointed 28 Czars to circumvent constitutional government, including:
A Science Czar who has advocated compulsory abortions for American women and the surrender of sovereignty to a comprehensive Planetary Regime.
A self-professed communist as his Green Jobs Czar.
A Pay Czar to regulate the pay of corporate executives.
--A President who swore an oath to preserve, protect and defend the constitution from all enemies, foreign and domestic, yet has nominated a domestic enemy of the Constitution to the Supreme Court.
--A President whose Homeland Security Chief classified pro-lifers, veterans, and supporters of traditional marriage as terrorists.
--A President who stood silent while the Iranian government hacked unarmed protestors to death with axes, because it was an internal matter, but freely offers his opinions about the internal affairs of Israel and Honduras.
--A President who decreed that true acts of terrorism must now be described as man-made disasters.
--A President who cracks hurtful jokes about Special Olympians.
--A President who refused to intercept or inspect a North Korean ship virtually certain to be carrying Weapons of Mass Destruction to Burma.
--A President who wants to cancel all missile defenses while rogue nations are developing long-range ballistic missiles.
--An American President who blames the violence in Mexico on America.
--A Commander in Chief who claims to have been unaware that Air Force One was taken on a terrifying, low-level photo-op over Manhattan.
--A President who berates American CEOs for flying in private planes at private expense on company business, but whose wife spends hundreds of thousands tax payer dollars flying to Paris for a shopping spree.
--A President who promised a transparent administration, but requires all questions be screened before impromptu appearances.
--A man who freely admitted that his energy policies are designed to bankrupt the American coal industry.
--A President who has presided over the loss of 14.7 million jobs and whose energy policy will cause the loss of another 1 million jobs.
--A President whose energy policy will increase the average American’s utility bills by over $2,000 a year in the middle of the Great Recession.
--A man about whom liberal journalist Tom Brokaw said, There’s a lot about him we don’t know. . . .just one week before the election.


The vast majority of Americans do not know who he is, but someone surely does.

Someone paid for his travel expenses to Pakistan and Indonesia.
Someone engineered legal challenges to all of his election opponents for the State Senate and had them disqualified.

Someone straightened and leveled his path to the U.S. Senate when a Democrat Judge made public the child custody records of his Republican opponent.

When he was a candidate for the U.S. Senate, someone arranged for him to speak at the 2004 Democratic National Convention. Someone saw to it that all of his records were sealed, both at home and abroad.

Someone assembled the massive organization for his run for the Presidency.

Someone knows all about him.

Who? I bet it wasn't a freedom loving American.