The Very Best There Is

My Bohemian, artistic, life loving friend, Mary, sent this to me and I immediately thought of E.Carig and Brother Dave and their Macs.

 

Mejia was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, ‘Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister Manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green and I pink it up, and say, ' Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a Microsoft call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.

I know I have.

DUI - Southern Style

I received this in an email from my friend, Tom.

(Only people from North Carolina could think of this. From the county where driving while under the influence is considered a sport, comes this true story.)

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Kinston , North Carolina . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.’

In Distress

 

Flying a country’s flag upside down is the international sign for the country being in distress. No! I don’t know how Morocco, Switzerland, Nigeria, Bangladesh, Japan or Libya show that their country is in distress - other than going to NATO and demanding money from the U.S. But as of November 4, 2008, my country has begun it’s decline.

I feel sure there are some people out there who think they did the right thing in voting for this guy, and that they truly love this country. But I also believe that most voted for him because they blindly believed all his carefully chosen button pushing words. That, and that he is half black. Now don’t start on me being a raciest. I guess I am to some degree, just like you are, but that is not why I dislike him. If he was conservative Republican, I would be backing him to the hilt, but he isn’t.

I dislike him because he is a Marxist Socialist and wants the government to take over all aspects of our life. And he has no leadership experience, and he has some very questionable radical friends and backers going back to the start of his career. And when confronted with these associations, he LIED, and then a different lie and then lied again, and is still lying.

Believe me, I surely hope and pray that I am wrong. If he proves me wrong I will be the first to apologize. Hang around for a few years and we will see. But until then, I will be weeping as my money goes to higher taxes and to fund social plans that help the unemployed, illegal aliens, and those who are to god dam lazy to work. I love my country and I fear She is on her way down. I miss the days when the world looked upon us as arrogant. When you are the best place on earth you have a right to be. If this country is so bad why are people trying to get here? You don’t see people sneaking across the boarder into Iran, Iraq, India, China or Mexico.

I’m not a McCain supporter, either. I feel he let us down on several occasions, but I have never doubted his commitment to this country. He is not another Bush follower. In fact he fought Bush more than the helped him. I have had enough of the Bush administration, too. But I don’t believe he was the worst President we have ever had since the beginning of the twentieth century - that distinction goes to my native son, Jimmy Carter - the President who never met a tyrannical dictator he didn’t like. But Bush did blunder on many occasions. However, the war was not one of them. Also, the economy started going down hill after the House and Senate turned Democratic. And the financial debacle we have now is a direct result of Bill'The Dick Slinger'Clinton. So we will have to wait and see how this Marxist does.

Let The Voting Begin

 

I will be working the poles all day - from 6:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. So don't bother me because I will ignore you. I have serious business to do today.

Twenty Dollars

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

This Is About How I Remember It

I'm due another colonoscopy this year, and I dread it. A friend reminded me of this and sent me a copy of Dave Barry’s piece about his colonoscopy. He is hilarious, but it is a serious matter. The ONLY hard part is the day before. The actual procedure is painless, and a good job for a man-hating woman. Why? Because she gets to jam something up a man’s ass… and get paid to do it.

Enjoy!

 

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)

Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really.. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

COLONOSCOPIES
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during exams were quite humorous...... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) before or after their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

13. 'How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.'

And the best one of all…

14. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

Vermont or Bust

 

I am on the road again, this time to Williamson, VT. Mapquest says it's 18 hours from where I pick up the dogs which is 60 miles from my house. I have some help this time from a friend of Dr. Amber. We will be sharing the driving duties, but it's still a long trip. The good news is, with two drivers driving four hour shifts, we won't have to stop at a motel. That way we can be home on Saturday afternoon as usual.

Talk to y'all later.

Works For Me

Why the Groom Is Never Allowed to Order the Wedding Cake

 

Mr. Six Identified

 

Am I the last one to know? Did y'all know this. Mr. Six, the old man who danced while inviting everyone to Six Flags is really Danny Teeson of Queer Eye For The Straight Girl. It took some sever investigative reporting to find this out. I went to Google and put in Six Flags Old Man and there it was. Don’t ask me why. I just had one of those genius inspirational moments and thought I would see if I could find out who Mr. Six was.

Please! No more applause and accolades. I’ll dedicate my Nobel Prize in Literature to you, my peeps. Which brings up another question that has been bugging me lately. Is PEEPS plural for POOP? If so, I don’t mean to call each of you SHIT. I love yah too much for that.

One In A Million Shot

 

Every now and then someone is in the right place at the right time with the right equipment.

Creme D'Or - Worth A Sin

Was it Banana-Nut Ice Cream?

Redistribution Of Wealth

 

I didn't really do this -- just forwarding. Maybe we should try this though!

Today on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "Vote Obama, I need the money." I laughed.

Once in the restaurant my server had on a "Obama 08" tie, again I laughed as he had given away his political preference -- just imagine the coincidence.

When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need--the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight.

I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I've decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful.

At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient deserved money more.

I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application.

My Fear Too

 

Coffeypot Sitting & Touring Co.

Judy, my beautiful friend and long-suffering wife of Jim Latchford (my long winded blogging buddy) had plans for a three day seminar in Atlanta, but she didn’t want to leave her baby, honey, husband, friend, lover… what ever she calls him…home alone. So we worked out arrangements for me to baby-sit him while she was in her meetings. They came in on Friday, but I couldn’t get away to meet them because my Judy (the wife formally known as Sweet Tea) was flying in from three weeks in NJ and we were going from the airport to meet the kiddies, Marni and Carl for dinner and then take the kiddies home. So Jim promised to be good and stay in his room until I could get there on Saturday morning.

I picked him up around nine o’clock and we headed off for Kennesaw Mountain to visit the Civil War battlefield and museum. We are both CW nuts and love to visit historical sites. The picture below is of us on top of the mountain. It was a cool 60 something degrees with a slight wind blowing. But it was a beautiful day.

 

From there we went over to Cheatham Hill to see where the fiercest battle around the mountain took place. That’s Jim next to the cannon. This is a well preserved battlefield and is reminder of how horrible war can be.

 

From there we went to Kennesaw to see the museum dedicated to the Great Locomotive Chase. The engine General is located here. The engine that chased them in reverse is at the Cyclorama in Atlanta. The two pictures below are of the big boy and with Jim.

 

 

I got him back to the motel in good shape. He was a good boy and I didn’t have to punish him one time. He was so good, in fact, we went back out on Sunday to the Cyclorama. From there we went up to my town of Woodstock and had lunch at the Right Wing Tavern (look it up) and had a good Republican lunch. From there we went to the battlefield of Altoona Pass. Most of the lower parts of the battle field are under the water of Lake Altoona, but the old railroad cut and several trenches and star forts are still there. Again he was a very good boy and I got him back to his motel in good shape. Tired but in good shape. I think Judy was pleased because I didn’t get a phone call from her. Plus, they are from the Tampa/St.Pete area, so you know he was happy Sunday night.

So, if any of you are in the area and need the services of Coffeypot Sitting and Touring Co. let me know. I would love to be your host.

Clew and Chesneygirl's Getaway

This just in! I have received pictures of Clew and Chesneygirl's weekend getaway.

 

 

 

 

These girls realy know how to party with the right people, don't they.

Losing A Friend

LOSING A FRIEND (A Must Read)!
This is a very touching story about life, death and friends. It's certain to strum your heartstrings and touch your soul. I normally don't post mushy stuff, but this one I couldn't help. ... I'm still choked up over it:

 

And Again

 

I am on my way to Niskayuna, NY, and other places in the general area again with a load of puppies and dogs.

I always look forward to the ubiquitous road work like the one above. But I have my audio books, so it isn't that bad.

I also have received three warnings and two speeding tickets in the past two years for speeding (both in the early a.m. with no one else on the road - I guess he had to do something to stay awake, too.) So now I only lease vans with cruse control. It kills me to be running 75 mph when I could be running 90 (and more comfortable at this speed.) But I must try to be good. I must try to be good. I must try to be good. (My new mantra)

I'll be stopping in Winchester, VA on the return trip tomorrow night, so I'll try to check in then. This weekend I will publish a new meme that I borrowed from Tookie Tails.

Later, Peeps!

Bring It On

 

Now this Russian Army can invade me anytime - day or night.

A Child's Mind Is An Amazing Thing

 

Marni e-mailed this to me and I chuckled all the way though it. I hope you do too.

CHILDREN WRITING ABOUT THE OCEAN

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne , age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it's head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with two other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
10) - When you swim in the ocean, it's very cold, and makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
11) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.(Becky, age 8)
12) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
13) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
14) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, Age 7)

Passing Years for Men

How quickly they pass for men, too.
Tookie Tails wanted to know where the pictures of the men were. Well, here 'tis.

 

 

 

Passing Years

How Quickly The Years Pass

 

 

 

The first picture is sweet, with the little girls playing on the beach,
The second picture is just a passing fantasy, now.
The final picture make we wonder when they are going to quit fooling around and come back in and fix supper.

Many Facets of Love - Yuch

 

Laura Schaefer, the author of Man with Farm Seeks Woman with Tractor, has this on MSN.com and I thought you peeps would like to see it - for the laugh, if not for the girly stuff.

Love is a many-slandered thing … and a very surprising thing, too. As if you needed proof of that, here are 25 funny little facts about love. Study them, scratch your head over them, and share them with someone you fancy.

1. Men who kiss their wives in the morning live five years longer than those who don't.

2. People are more likely to tilt their heads to the right when kissing instead of the left (65 percent of people go to the right!)

3. When it comes to doing the deed early in the relationship, 78 percent of women would decline an intimate rendezvous if they had not shaved their legs or underarms.

4. Feminist women are more likely than other females to be in a romantic relationship.

5. Two-thirds of people report that they fall in love with someone they've known for some time vs. someone that they just met.

6. There's a reason why office romances occur: The single biggest predictor of love is proximity.

7. Falling in love can induce a calming effect on the body and mind and raises levels of nerve growth factor for about a year, which helps to restore the nervous system and improves the lover's memory.

8. Love can also exert the same stress on your body as deep fear. You see the same physiological responses — pupil dilation, sweaty palms, and increased heart rate.

9. Brain scans show that people who view photos of a beloved experience an activation of the caudate — the part of the brain involving cravings.

10. The women of the Tiwi tribe in the South Pacific are married at birth.

11. The "Love Detector" service from Korean cell phone operator KTF uses technology that is supposed to analyze voice patterns to see if a lover is speaking honestly and with affection. Users later receive an analysis of the conversation delivered through text message that breaks down the amount of affection, surprise, concentration and honesty of the other speaker.

12. Eleven percent of women have gone online and done research on a person they were dating or were about to meet, versus seven percent of men.

13. Couples' personalities converge over time to make partners more and more similar.

14. The oldest known love song was written 4,000 years ago and comes from an area between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. (It's title is, "Me give you cooked rabbit if you let me play with your squarrel)

15. The tradition of the diamond engagement ring comes from Archduke Maximillian of Austria who, in the 15th century, gave a diamond ring to his fiancée, Mary of Burgundy.

16. Forty-three percent of women prefer their partners never sign "love" to a card unless they are ready for commitment.

17. People who are newly in love produce decreased levels of the hormone serotonin — as low as levels seen in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Perhaps that's why it's so easy to feel obsessed when you're smitten.

18. Philadelphia International Airport finished as the No. 1 best airport for making a love connection, according to an online survey.

19. According to mathematical theory, we should date a dozen people before choosing a long-term partner; that provides the best chance that you'll make a love match.

20. A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.

21. Every Valentine's Day, Verona, the Italian city where Shakespeare's play Romeo and Juliet took place, receives around 1,000 letters addressed to Juliet.

21. When we get dumped, for a period of time we love the person who rejected us even more, says Dr. Helen Fisher of Rutgers University and author of Why We Love. The brain regions that lit up when we were in a happy union continue to be active.

22. People telling the story of how they fell in love overwhelmingly believe the process is out of their control.

23. Familiarity breeds comfort and closeness … and romance.

24. One in five long-term love relationships began with one or both partners being involved with others.

25. OK, this one may not surprise you, but we had to share it: Having a romantic relationship makes both genders happier. The stronger the commitment, the greater the happiness!

Let's Play Four

I received this challenge from Mary Taitt over at No Polar… Meme’s are so fucking fun, but she is holding my cat, Chaplin, captive until I do it. So to save Chaplin, here goes:

Let’s Play Four

A) Four Places That I Go To Over And Over: Waffle House, Bathroom, New York and New Jersey.

B) Four People Who Email Me Regularly: Chuck, Kristen, Judy and Someone trying to sell me Viagra.

C) Four Of My Food Favorites: Mexican, Chinese, Italian and Salads – with sweet tea or diet coke.

D) Four Things I’d Like To Do: Star in a porn movie (you always look bigger on the screen,) Race in a NASCAR event, Fuck Catherine Bell and Dana Delaney (at the same time if possible) and Be twenty years old again so I can have the stamina to fuck Misses Bell and Delaney.

E) Four People I Think Will Respond: To What? Two are Misses Bell and Delaney in a positive manner (ie without legal action.)

F) Four Things I Did Yesterday: Went to the Waffle House, Transported a King Ranch Ford to another dealer, bought cold medicine, slept the rest of the day.

If I have to pick four others to do this I choose, Special K, TruckinDog, Mr. Guinness, and/or Marni

Talk About A Shitty Job

 

Say it with me - I WILL NEVER complain about my job, EVER AGAIN!!