Friday Humor

A little Friday Humor but remember...
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

If you are having a bad day, remember it could be worse.....














(click to bigger size this one - then click again to make it even biggerest)


Now, go forth and have a great weekend.

Sweet Tea

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

And For Equil Time, See Below
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UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a ballbat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

EGGS

Dave came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said 'You died in your sleep, Dave.

Dave was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Dave was devastated, but begged St.. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Dave the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never!' said Dave.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Dave did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Dave was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon
laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....'Dave! Wake up. You shit the bed!'
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A Prayer For Grandpa

Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa's computer.

Amen!

Redneck Monday - More U Fer Missums

I'd rather have a sister actively serving in a whore house than....

Slicker than a bald tire semi on a mile of wet asphalt.

He's slicker then the grease off a b-b-q biscuit.

Faster than a bee stung stallion.

When I first saw her my eye's bugged out like a stepped on toad frog!

She is slicker than cut okra in the sink.

Your about as useful as bird shit on a pump handle.

I felt like a monkey trying to do a math problem.

He'd tear up a steel ball with a rubber mallet.

That boy there is a poster child for birth control.

Why I'll slap you so hard you'll starve to death before you stop slidin'.

Why, it's so cold here...we got dogs stuck to fire hydrants all over town.

Boy, you best not be messin' with me; I'll slap some stuff on your head Ajax won't take off.

She one of those psycho women that are like havin' herpes. You never get rid of 'em and they are a real pain

It's hotter'n an ol' settin' hen, settin' eggs in a wool basket in the summertime.

Boys, if I tell you a rooster can pull a wagon, hitch'em up. (Trust)

Candy is dandy but licker is quicker.

I'm hornier than a nine-dicked dawg in a kennel full o' bitches!

Well, butter my biscuits!

Wild as a March hare.

You shouldn't be huntin' anything smarter than you. Try huntin' worms.

Busier than a racoon in tall corn.

Her pants are so tight her butt looks like two pigeons trying to fight their way out of a toe sack.

You can see it clearer than balls on a tall dog!

Also, read the previous post to see how to save the airlines.

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

PS: Not all women need to apply.


This one didn't make the cut!!!

Oximorons or Just Stupid Stuff?

Here, for your reading and contemplation edification, are a list of points to ponder.

I believe they are called OXYMORONS. Or just dumb shit.

You be the judge.

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels; aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

29. How can someone be pretty ugly?

30. Regardless of how you thing of all the above, I believe they are all the same difference to me.
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This Cock Is Too Worn Out For Nude Blogging

(This is how I feel tonight.)

I normally go to bed between 2 and 4 A.M. and rise about 9 A.M. each day except the days I go on the dog run. Those Wednesday nights I try to get in bed by Midnight and get up around 10 A.M. on Thursdays. Not this time. I haven’t talked about it, but my sister is in the hospital and is not expected to come home. I have mentioned before that she is more like my mother than my mother was. Decisions will have to be made on Monday. And she will be missed. But life goes on, too.

So I was up catching up on stuff, since I have been spending much time at the hospital, and didn’t get to bed until 3 A.M. and was up at 7 A.M. this morning. It is 8 P.M. now and except for one 15 min and one 30 nap, I have been driving and unloading dogs for 37 hours and I am dragging - yet keyed up. I will spend a couple of hours reading blogs until I all asleep.

So I guess that means the hens in the henhouse are safe tonight.

And speaking of safe hens…

Happy In The Bedroom? A husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right!

When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknob...he couldn't get back in!

Later, Peeps!
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NY Trip Again and Some T Shirt Funnies

It’s that time again…gotta go to NY. I’ll be leaving tomorrow, Thursday evening. But I’ll try to be back on with the Nude Blogging on Friday night.

In the mean time, hear are some t shirts and possible bumper stickers that should give you a smile or to. Hell, you may even recognize yourself in a few of them. But if you can look at all of these and not at least crack a smile, you are in bad shape. SMILE, GOD DAMMIT!!! It doesn’t hurt.












I have Kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
*****
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
*****
Sometimes drinking too much is not enough.
*****
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
*****
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.
*****
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
*****
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
*****
Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
*****
In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
*****
A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory
*****
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
*****
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
*****
KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
*****
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
*****
In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
*****
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
*****
Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)
*****
When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
*****
Money isn’t everything,
But is sure keeps the kids in touch.
*****
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
*****
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
*****
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
*****

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
*****
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
*****
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
*****
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
*****
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather;
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Did you get a chuckle out of any of these? If so, GOOOD. If not, GO AWAY, you bother me.

Joke Of The Year

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding
their own business.

30 Truths About Maturity

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewellers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

26. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

27. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

28. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

29. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

30. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet money everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
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Redneck Monday - Proverbs and 10 Commandments

There are many rules in life and some of these rules are derived from proverbs. Here are a few of those proverbs that may help you get through life.

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on. the. spot.

4. 99 % of lawyers give the rest a bad name

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, THINKS SLOWEST.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psych-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. Ok, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, your're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember--if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chololates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today may burn your butt tomorrow.

And fer you religious types outthar that may wind up in a rural church, you may need to understad the simplicity of the language. So to help you better understand, here is a redneck version of the 10 Commandments.

1. Jest One God
2. Honor Yer Ma and Pa
3. No Tellin’ Tails or Gossipin’
4. Get Yea Self To Sunday Meetin’
5. Put Nuttin Afore God
6. No Foolin Around Wif Another Dudes Gal.
7. No Killin’ - Even If’en They Need It
8. Watch Ya Mouth
9. Don’t Take What Ain’t yourns
10. Don’t Be Hankering For Your Buddy’s Stuff

That help any? Should! If not...your stupid.
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Man In Bed

I'm in bed wide awake thinking, “You're so handsome, funny, smart, athletic, sexy, and awesome...Man I love that mirror on the ceiling!”

Six American Medical Team Memebers Killed

(Director of The International Assistance Mission, Dirk Frans, said six American medical aid workers from his charity were killed in Afghanistan.)

From Afghan Journal on Face Book and Yahoo News, 6 Americans on a Medical Team were executed for being spies and preaching Christianity. Ten in all were killed and they were on their way back from giving eye care and meds to some Northern Afghan villages. You can read the full story from Yahoo News here .

Maybe this story will appear under any updates of Lindsey Lolife. But probably not since the Liberal Media shies away from mentioning anything negative about the peace loving Muslims.

But New York City is about to put a community center (sound familiar) and Mosque at Ground Zero. Do Liberals have no shame?
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1919 Poster

If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster...



I mean, seriously ... wouldn't you just keep drinking?

An Offer Fer U Ladies Out Thar

Here's an offer for all you ladies out there?



Any takers? No??!! Damn, didn't think so. Never is! Maybe one day...

Me and My Blackberry

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Bluetooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead, oh well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves, but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

And I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, “No, but I do toot a lot."

I need to go back to my old CB Radio.
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In Spite of Ourselves

This is just a fun song by John Prine and Iris DeMent


It's from the movie, 'Daddy and Them.'

H/T to Nancy. Thanks!

Where's Sheila

Chelsea's Wedding Talk

At Chelsea's wedding, held last Saturday, July 31st...


Hillary wanted to play the perfect Mom.


She asked Chelsea... "Have you had sex with Marc?"


Chelsea said.... "Not according to Dad"

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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A Geography Lesson

Ed says:

That's your geography lesson for today.

Class dismissed.
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Beatitudes Of The Aged and Stuff

Truer Words Have Never Been Spoken!

The Meaning of Life in 13 Words:

“Inside Every Old Person Is A Younger Person Asking, What The Fuck Happened?”

Then there is ME:


And then there is the Beatitudes for people like me:

BEATITUDES FOR THE OLD

BLESSED THEY WHO KNOW MY WALK'S UNSTEADY
AND MY HANDS SHAKE
BLESSED THEY WHO SPEAK A LITTLE LOUDER
BLESSED THEY WHO KNOW THE WORLD IS MISTY
IN MY SIGHT AND IN MY MIND
BLESSED THEY WHO DO NOT GRUMBLE WHEN I SPILL THE SALT
BLESSED THEY WHO SMILE AT ME AND STOP TO TALK
AND LISTEN TO MY STORIES THREE TIMES TOLD
BLESSED ARE THE LISTENERS TO THE TALES OF MY YOUTH
WHO LOVE ME AND TREAT ME WITH RESPECT
BLESSED THEY WHO GIVE ME WARMTH AS COLD CREEPS IN
BLESSED THEY WHO MAKE GOD SEEM MORE FRIENDLY
AND WHEN ETERNITY WRAPS ITSELF ABOUT ME
I SHALL REMEMBER THEM TO GOD