Dana's TREADWELL

See this lovely lady, so pretty and looking so refined?  Well, don’t believe it.  Where she spits grass never grows again.  Dana Joy Wyzard is a sixty sommen, sommen year old, gun toting, self-effacing lady who has my heart.  And she is a gifted writer… a better wrier than the editors who published her book… and has a great blog (look on the left as I cannot make links for some reason) called Witless Relocation Program.  Check her out.

And she wrote this book…

TREADWELL!

Finally I got to read a book with real-to-life characters written by a real-to-life author.  Dana knows what she is writing about, coming from the mountains of Indiana and living just as hard a life as my new love, Nelda Pike.

Nelda is in her 60's and as feisty as any old crone can be.  But you can't help but love her.  She is straight forward in her mannerisms and as honest in her speech as any person who has lived a hardscrabble life can attest too.

Early on, Nelda runs across a troubled teen that is running for her life from her step-father and step-brother who killed her mother in front of her eyes.  When they catch up and nab Laura, Nelda gets the aid of another old crown and her best friend, Wosie Mae Briar, to go to her rescue.

And these two old ladies are not afraid to tackle the task. Both are crack-shots and well versed in the use of guns, especially the shotgun.

TREDWELL is a fun read and will grab you from the first page.  It is refreshing to read about the main characters being up in years.  Not cute or beautiful who have to fight off men.  Nor do they have to fight off ghost, vampires or zombies; just lowlife scumbags… though a ghost might just appear in the story.

Nelda is just a down to earth woman who has seen the harder times in life and knows compassion, loyalty and anger. What's not to love?

Dana, you did good, girl!  And you are really a sweet and caring lady regardless of what you say.

As for the rest of you, do yourself a favor and get this story of my new hero, Nelda Pike.

Real Navy Ranks

You real Navy guys out there will understand this.  

You civilians will now know what each of the ranking insignias really mean.

On the second row, the Eagles are lovingly known as ‘Crows.’

The crossed anchors on the first three crows are Boatswain’s Mates; they know everything about paints, red-led primer, chipping and painting, polishing brass, driving the ship (helmsman), knots, brooms and swabs (mops).

The second set of crows are Chiefs, and, in this case, the insignia is that of a Quartermaster – the keeper and updater of all charts (maps) and other navigational stuff that the officers have no clue about.

The insignia under the crow lets other sailors know what job they perform. 

Now ya know!!!

You’re welcome!

Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yes, that’s right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

In light of the monumental finding men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory being that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer men turn into women.

To test the theory 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.  It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong, instead they would pout.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense… and giggled.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn’t drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

and

8) Had to sit down when taking a piss.

No further testing was considered necessary!

A Man's Fifty Shades Of Grey

(UPDATE)
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

By Pam Ayres (Not Really)
By John Summers (For Real - Thanks John For Letting Me Know and For A Great Poem) 

The missus bought a Paperback,

down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My God what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can tell no more;

Of what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

PRNK Officer's Bling

We're on the verge of war with these guys?

God help them... Look at all those medals.  

This gives an all new meaning to the word, BLING.

It's by no mere coincidence that their uniforms resemble Russian uniforms of the 1950's, either.  And the hats are designed to make them look taller.

Most metals and ribbons usually indicate campaigns fought, awards for bravery, other theaters where one was stationed, or wounds received in combat.  Since they haven't been in any wars since the early 1950's, then in their cases these must mean a lot of good conduct, adequate amount of respect and morning for the departed Kim Jong Il, and being present at all roll call medals.

Very Impressive indeed!

It's kinda like the Hollywood awards.  They are always presenting themselves with awards simply because no one else will, and they so desperately need some recognition and attention.

But have no fear, Peeps.  In case of war, we can defeat them simply by flying a B-52 over the country with a giant magnet hanging from the planes belly.

It would look like Resurrection Day to the troops... watching all their officers being lifted into the sky.