Coffeypot

Thursday, April 26, 2012

A Plethora of Puns

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it!

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip-off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Planning On Having A Baby?

Some of you out there are planning on having a baby one day or fathering one. To help you make up your mind and prepare you for the future I have researched (my email) and found the most asked questions. These should help you out.

You’re welcome!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No! 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after the finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?

A: Childbirth!

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.

A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says its not pain I’ll be feeling during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you are pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word ‘alimony’ means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes! Pregnancy!

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the diaper very quickly.

Q: My baby was born last week. When will my wife began to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

How To Shower

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to light's and dark's.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- Make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee!

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off!

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

Got it? Understand?

Good!

Now all you Peeps have a great day..... And woo woo!!!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Transporting Again - With A Twist

On the road again. Have a bunch of pups to take to the Mohawk Shelter in Menands, NY.

This trip will be a little different in that Judy is driving up to NJ and is going to meet me for my nude blogging in Winchester, VA. I will get up on Saturday and drive back to Commerce, GA, and she will continue on to Spotswood, NJ, to stay with her mom.

She will spend the week with her and use her home as base while she works at Murryhill. Then she will lode up Granny Dot and drive her back to spend a few weeks with us. Damn!

At any rate, I will be checking in when I can. Till then, later Peeps!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Upside Down Land

A country can show it is under duress and in danger by flying it’s flag upside down (what would Japan do?).

So you know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

A Muslim Army Officer crying "Allah Akbar" while shooting up an Army base is considered to have committed "Workplace Violence" while an American citizen boasting a Ron Paul bumper sticker is classified as a "Domestic Terrorist". (Stupid but not a terrorist)