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Smart Ass Answers

I know y’all will find this hard to believe, but I do love a good smart ass answer (I said as I polish my halo).  And it just so happens I ran across The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2012.  So, because I am always thinking of you and how I can put a smile on your face, I thought I would share them with you.

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight (it must have been years ago since meals aren’t served anymore… sandwiches maybe, but no meals), and the flight attendant asked me, “Would you like dinner?”

“What are my choices?” I asked.

“Yes or No!” she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.  A man (not me this time as you will understand shortly why it couldn’t have been me) approached.  She extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.” 

Now you know why it couldn’t have been me.  I don’t own a trench coat.

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking though the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.  She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am.  They are dead.”

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

The officer said, “Well now, I’ve been waiting for you all day.”

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

Now that is a good way to get out of a ticket because the cop couldn’t write for the laughter.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving alone on the freeway and noticed a sign that read, “Low Bridge Ahead” with the clearance height posted.   As the truck driver was doing the math in his head between  the bridge clearance and the max height of his load, the bridge is right there and he gets wedged in.

Cars are backed for miles.  Finally a police car shows up.  The cop gets out of the car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver says, “No!  I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.”

AND THE #1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF 2012

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. 

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that is it.  No other excuses whatsoever.”

I love a challenge and I raised my hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class was reduced to laugher and snickering.  When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at me, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, John, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

The laughter still haunts me to this day.

A BONUS EXAMPE

Judy is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.  She is not happy with what she sees and laments to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat, wrinkled, and ugly.  I really need for you to pay me a compliment.”

Without thinking I said, “Well, Baby, your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

I am now typing his with one eye closed but the ER doc said I should make a full recovery and can go home in a couple of days.

The Ant Dome

Who said ants cannot plan for disasters?   Just before the huge thunderstorms hit is a couple of days ago, I saw a plastic lid lying in the yard.  I went over to pick it up and noticed the ants had built their mound around it. 

They knew a big storm was coming and used the plastic lid as a cover.  I named it The Ant Dome.

As you can see, the storm beat down the walls around the lid, but the little fuckers are still working away at rebuilding the mound.  It did have a complete ant mound all the way around the lid and just over the rim, but the rain and runoff washed most of it away.  Now I wonder how high or how big the mound will get with the lid there.  You can’t see them, but they are work their heads off.

I’m gonna watch it for a few days.  If it gets weird, I’ll let ya know.

Years ago, when I was delivering Coca Cola for The Atlanta Coca Cola Bottling Co., I had to deliver to a fishing lake back off the beating path.  As I pulled onto the dirt road leading to the fish camp, rains had eroded the ground down to where the truck back bumper hit the road and the wheels barely touched the rut.  I had to call a tow truck to get me unstuck.

While waiting, my helper and I got to watching a huge ant mound and the working ants doing their ant thing.  Well, six of them had a half shell of a beetle of some sort and they were trying to get the thing in the opening at the top of the mound.  The shell was so much bigger than the hole and they would lift it on end and try to fit it in the hole.  But to no avail.

I decided to give them a hand, so I reached down and broke the shell in half, long ways, and laid it back down.  They grabbed one half and carried it back to the opening and lifted it up.  It would barely fit.  So they laid it back down and one of the ants went over to the hole, stuck his head in the opening for a second or two, then backed out and six more ants came out.  HE CALLED FOR HELP!

Anyhelp, they picked up the shell half, took it back to the hole and one ant grabbed the end and backed down into the hole while the rest lifted it up.  And one ant climbed to the top end and stood there like he was forcing it down by his body weight.  And it went in.

A few seconds later a bunch of ants came out and grabbed the second half and did the same thing. 

They were acting human.  They had a problem, got unsolicited help from me, reevaluated the problem, called for help and made it happen.

It was the most fascinating thing I have ever seen in the wild.  I’m just glad they are so small.  Otherwise we humans would be in trouble.

That’s your Biology case study for today.  Not test will be required, though.

Carry on! Return to ship’s work.

Married 50 Years

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said to her, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.”

“Now…we have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I am now sleeping with sleeping with a 73-yearl old woman.  It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of the bargain.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman.  She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV again.

Aren’t older women great?  They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

And thanks to my friend, DC, for the joke.

My Special St. Pat's Day

Yeah, I know.  It’s St. Patrick’s Day! 

No fat leprechaun can down the chimney with a bag of toys… or green beer.

No presents to unwrap.

But wait… there is always a way to celebrate any time any day.

Our Waffle House! 

This is my W.H. on US 441 in Banks Crossing (now known as Commerce.)

The first thing I asked for was did they have green coffee? 

Nope!  As you can see, I stared out with my usual cup of back coffee.

However the WH waitresses were too busy to be messing with me this morning… as you can tell by the plates lined up and the ladies waiting to call out orders.

Anyshamrock, regardless of not having a fat leprechaun breaking and entering my humble abode, nor the lack of any presents to open… Judy and I still got in the spirit of the day.

We both had on our best Irish attire.  Judy's has a bow-tie with a formal white shirt under a green blazer.  I have on my tux with Irish buttons of the lapels... cause I am cool that way.

I wanted to wear a button off my belt buckle that said, “Kiss Me – I’m Irish, too!”

But my long suffering Judy nixed the idea… Oh, I could have worn the button, just not when she is with me.  

She has no since of humor when it comes to me trying to get an extra special Irish Kiss on me own wee leprechaun.  I guess wives are like that.

Then to further celebrate, we went home and worked in the yard, building a couple of sheds to store lawn mowers and tools and free up some garage space.  Now I feel like I have a hangover and didn’t even get my first green beer.

It’s a mortal sin, I tell ya.