Friday, August 24, 2007

A Little Humor - Very Little

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.
*****
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy gown. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
*****
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
*****
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
*****
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful! CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
*****
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked out seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

11 comments:

Heidi the Hick said...

Man, you made all these up?

cooper green said...

A blind man enters a bar, not realizing that the customers are almost exclusively women. He finds his way to a stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, barkeep, wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Sir, I'm sorry for your blindness. But before you tell that joke, you should be aware of a few things:

1: The bartender is a blonde woman.
2: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3: I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4: The woman sitting next to me is also blonde, and is a professional weight lifter.
5: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

coffeypot said...

Heidi, no, I wish I was that smart and talanted, but I am just passing along an email from my brother.

Cooper, a blind man walked by the fish market and tip his hat and said, "Goodmorning, ladies."

cooper green said...

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

Dammit. Yours is still shorter.

e.Craig said...

Good one. I enjoy your blog.

her indoors said...

thanks for the laugh it came just when i needed it

KB said...

What did one Lesbian frog say to to the other?
Yup, we do taste like chicken.

gawilli said...

Run, Herman. Run.

...taste like chicken. *giggle*

GrizzBabe said...

I didn't get the Mother Superior one. But then, I'm a little slow.

coffeypot said...

grizzbabe, it's a play on words. The nun thought that the Mother Superior was talking about a case of wine, and she was glad that the convent was going to get a different TYPE of wine. The nun was the slow one - not you.

Pamela said...

'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
bwaa ha ha haa h

and poor Herman