SENIORS ARE WHERE IT'S AT

Coffeypot wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Coffeypot got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.'

The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'

Coffeypot said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. She called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Moral lesson: Don’t underestimate us old dudes. WE GOT WAYS!

ON THE OTHER HAND WE SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Fun Monday

This is cute and hopefully will put a smile on your Monday Face

A Day With The Family

Marni posted some pictures of our trip to the Renaissance Festival, so I will add mine to the exhibition, too.
This is Carl, Marni, J-Man and Bug - my favorite people in the world.

 

Me and J-Man and Bug before they grew horns.

 

Everyone wanted me to have a picture with this ogre so I walked up to him and said, "Come here Sugar Lips, they want a picture of us together." That's when I got 'The Look.'

 

Of course the old saying is, "Been there; done that. Got a T-Shirt for it."

 

There are plenty more that I might show later. Some are from the bird sanctuary with plenty of parrots and macaws.

Spring Is Here

Spring Is In The Air

 

Me and Sweet Tea Ready For The Beach

 

OLDER THAN DIRT

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore… under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60 + year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."

NEVER NEVER NEVER

 

How many times do I have to tell you, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER Fart in a wetsuit.

And NEVER, NEVER, NEVER Complain to your wife about her cooking at bar-b-que.

 

From a Danish Friend

This is from a friend who received it from a friend who had a friend living next door to another friend who, although he had never been to any Danish country, never the less knew how to spell Danish. So it must be true. If it isn’t, Brother Dave will send me a Snopes correction.


'We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?'

Public Service Announcement

Pay close attention to this announcement. It can save lives. Seriously! No, Seriously!

Chain Letter

On my post below titled ‘There’s A Difference,’ Old Lady commented on her excellent theory about the development of relationships between men and women. It is a credible and plausible theory, but I think it is just her way of saying she dreams of multiple partners. So I dug into my files and came up with this chain letter from a few years back that will give her the multiple partners she desires and have fun doing it. Any of you who want to try it, go ahead. In some cases, you may get a few men multiple times, depending on who your contact list contains. So, enjoy! Oh! Don't send Sweet Tea one. She doesn't go for this shit - dammit.

Dear Old Lady,

This is a chain letter started with the hope of bringing relief to tired or unhappy wives. Unlike other chain letters you may have seen, this one doesn’t cost anything. Simply send a copy of this letter to four of your married friends who are tired or unhappy. Then bundle up your husband and send him on to the woman at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom of the list.

Someday you will be on top. When you’re name comes to the top of the list you will have received 16,487 men… and some of them are DANDIES. Have faith in this letter and don’t break the chain. One woman broke the chain and got her old man back. Don’t let this happen to you.

At the time of this letter, a friend of mine had received 465 men. They buried her yesterday, and it took seven undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face and two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin.

Sincerely,

A Good Friend.

USS IOWA

Today, twenty-nine years ago, forty seven young men lost their lives while serving in the #2 gun mount on the USS Iowa (BB61). While sailing in the Caribbean, the ship was performing gunnery practice by firing her 16 inch guns. These are huge guns and firing one can send reverberations thought-out the ship. There are three of these bad boys in each turret, and there are two turrets on the bow (front) of the ship. When a full broadside (all the turrets for and aft aimed to port or to starboard) the ship moves sideways in the water and anyone standing outside can be killed by the concussions. Each powder magazine weighs over 600 pounds and fires a 1200 pound projectile over 26 miles with pin-point accuracy.

This morning (9:58 a.m.) turret #2 fired its first salvo and was immediately followed by a secondary explosion that killed the 47 young men.

One of the men was FCSA (Fire Controlman Seaman Apprentice) Richard J. Lewis, the brother of a friend of mine. Amy doesn’t talk about it much, but she and her family are deeply affected by the incident.

As much as I sometimes enjoyed and sometimes hated my service in the Navy, I am proud that I served. But the Navy also has a way of being self-serving and devious. The initial story was that a petty office deliberately set off the explosion because of a homosexual relationship gone wrong. The families (including Amy’s mother) fought this lie and won. FCSA Lewis wasn’t one of the people involved in the relationship, though. The Navy came back and apologized and stated that they don’t know what really caused the explosion, but investigations speculated that after firing the first shot there was a blowback of fire that ignited the powder bag being loaded for the next shot. Normally this should not happen, but malfunctions do happen, but the real reason may never be known.

What is known is that the lives of 47 men were snuffed out in an instant and the lives of 47 families were changed forever, not to mention the crew who had to recover the bodies of their friends. Every man and woman who has served in the service knows that they may have to lay down their lives for their country. Some do it in battle, some do it in sickbay from an illness or organ failure, or from an accident, but to die from an error or accident that wasn’t of your own making is horrible. This is one of the strongest feelings anyone serving has, that his fellow mates might die because of his/her error or not doing their job the way they were trained to do. That reason alone was enough for me not to believe the initial reports of a love gone wrong. I have never believed it and many of my fellow veterans haven’t either.

But like the 74 men who went down on my ship in 1969, these 47 deserve to be remembered, too. They were the cream of the crop of the late 80’s and they deserve to be remembered. So, Amy, I remember!

There is a Difference

We all know that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Below are examples that prove this thrum.

Women As Explained by Engineers

 

 

 

 

Any Questions?

Thursday Humor

Thanks to my friend Mary:

Three Women: One engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to AMAZE their men. That night they decided to wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again....

The engaged girlfriend said, ‘The other night, when my boyfriend came home, he found me with the leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress said, ‘AH! Me, too; the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say anything...But we had wild sex all night.

The married one said, 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night and I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband comes in from work and opens the door and says: 'HEY BATMAN, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?'

And I am adding:

A woman stopped by her daughters house for a visit without call first. Being a mom, she did have to know before going in, so she opened the door and there was her daughter lying on the couch – naked.

“What in the world are you doing?” she screamed.

The daughter, embarrassed and trying to cover herself said, “It’s time for my husband to come home and I frequently greet him in my birthday suit. It turns him on and we have great sex all night long.”

“Well, I had better leave.” the mother said as she embarrassingly backed out of the door.

But she thought about it all the way home and thought she would give it a try with her husband. When it was time for him to come in the door, she shucked her clothes, jumped on the couch and waited.

He came in the door, saw her laying there and shockingly said, “What in the hell are you doing, woman?”

She said, “I thought I would greet you in my birthday suit.”

He took off his cap, set down in his chair with the remote control and said, “Birthday suit? Well you need to iron the damn thing. It’s wrinkled as hell.” His visiting hours are for family only.

Endeavors

Some of our greatest creations

 

start out as a simple endeavor.

There She Goes

Some you have been wondering where I have been. I’m well and happy, but very busy. We have sold our old homestead of fifteen years (see below) and the closing is scheduled for July 1st.

 

 

This is the view from the front stoop looking across the street to the club house, pool and the tennis courts. There are two of these in the 'hood and in the summer time there are some might purty bikinis over thar.

 

We have many mixed feelings about doing this. We like our house, but it is entirely too big for just Sweet Tea and I. There are four bedrooms and three baths on the second floor; two staircases from the main floor to the second floor and one to the basement. We have a huge kitchen and breakfast area, a two story den, a formal living room and a dining room with a half bath. The basement has a ‘mother-in-law’s’ apartment where Steven and Laura live – bedroom, bathroom, living room and kitchen. It has a game room and an office along with a storage place. We simply do not need it anymore. So we are downsizing – with the operative word being ‘down’.

I have spent the last few days riding all over North East Georgia looking for land, hopefully with at least one dwelling on it. Our goal is to get a track of land that is – or can be – divided into three parcels. Sweet Tea and I will live on one, Steven and Laura on one and Dr. Amber and Bob and the rescue dogs on the other. Not an easy task.

I found a farm with twelve acres which included a double wide trailer, a four stall barn and a hay barn. It has a huge garage/work shop and the whole place is fenced in. It is almost perfect for us. They raise miniature horses, turkeys and chickens. Sounds too good, huh? The bad news is six acres are on a green belt with high power wires crossing the land cutting it in half. You can feed animals, run naked across the fields, or most anything, except build a permanent structure on it. So that property seems to be out; we are still thinking about it. If we do get this parcel, any of you who want to run naked acorss the patures are welcome to come and join us. You can pee on the trees, too.

We are also thinking about a trailer park we found that has five trailers on it. They aren’t in the best of shape, but the land is half the price of the farm above and what we are getting from the sale of our homestead. The thinking right now is to live in the trailers, build a log cabin or a prefab home on the land and then scrap all the trailers. This land is over six acres, but we can use all of it. It is backed by woods and there huge farms on either side of the park. There seem to me there are more hunting dogs than people in there area.

Our agent and I are still looking at land, burning gas and trying to keep Sweet Tea, who is in New Jersey till the end of the week, informed. I take pictures on the cell phone and email them to her, but you have to be there to see the real thing. We will do this next week – when I get back from my dog transport to New Jersey.

We may end up living in a motel for a while until we can find something and get settled. In the mean time, I will try to keep y’all informed. I have been reading your stuff, but have been too tired to try to post. Sorry! I’m an old fucker and need my rest. Later!

The First Computer

I know most of you have seen this before, but I though you needed to see it again. Those of you who haven't seen it before, enjoy or ignore, depending on your mood.

 

Memory was something you lost with age.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
A web was a spider's home.
A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.
A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3 inch floppy. . . You just hoped nobody ever found out!

Remeber those simple days? The times, they are a changing.

Underwear and T-Shirts

I got up this morning feeling fine and dandy. Jumped into the shower and washed off real good – some parts took more time to wash than others, but you don’t care about that. The point is, I got out, toweled off, and went to get some skivvies. But there were no clean skivvies. None! I haven’t done my laundry yet, and I didn’t realize the severity of the depletion of the undergarments.

So I dress commando and off to Wal Mart I go just a swinging. I don’t like to shop. I hate it. So I restock my skivvies and white socks about twice a year. This was about the time I need to do it, so I loaded up on several pair. Brief’s, boxer briefs, t-shirts and socks. Some colored, some white. Now I am all covered and it feels good to have clean, new cloth snuggling up to the tool and the nuts.

When you first go into Wal Mart there is a section as you go in the door with specialty items they are trying desperately to push. The first half of this section was full of t-shirts with an ecology theme. Sayings, like ‘Green Is The Next Black’ – what ever that means. Another one was a white shirt with what looks like it has dirt and grease on it and the saying, ‘Save Energy, Don’t Wash Your Shirts.’ But my favorite was, ‘Save The Planet. It’s The Only One With Beer.” That’s as good a reason as any other I have heard. Imagine living on Mars without beer. Shudder! But I didn’t buy one, though. I’m not that big a dork. Not anymore! Not is years! Not since last week. Not since… Okay! I didn’t have enough money. OKAAAYYYY!

Gotta run, now. I get to sit with the kiddies tonight while Marni and Carl go off on a date, and they have call me twice now wanting to know where I am. Love those little shits!

Snorkling In Ohio

 
E.Craig doing his daily exercise.

Snowball

Man, Snowball can bust some moves.

He can dance better than me. But our legs look alike.

Staying Healthy

Does this sound familiar?

 

During a visit to my doctor we were discussing my prostate, which is swollen. No cancer or anything like that, just aging. Anyway, he told me to ejaculate as often as I could, that it helps with the swelling.

Well, you know me, I ask him for a prescription for a three times weekly visit with a hooker so the insurance would pay for it, and that he should provide a nurse for immediate medication.

He just placed his hand on my shoulder and said that if that worked that easily he would have use up all his Rx pads on himself. It’s a shame, too. He has some awesome looking nurses and one bodacious PA.

I Lost A Girlfriend Today

An old girlfriend died today. I never dated her or anything like that. Never saw her outside of work. I just worked with her back in the early 80’s and she was one of my favorite people ever. Her name was Betty and she was the stereotypical country and western barfly woman. But she rarely went to the bars, at least when I knew her.

She was ten years older than me and had a 20 year old retarded son that she doted over. When she did get out, though, she was a pistol ball. She always wore tight fitting jeans or a mini skirt, a feminine western type shirt or t-shirt and her boots. Betty also had big hair, teased and sprayed with 15 pounds of hairspray. Her voice was the deep, raspy voice of someone who smoked most of her life and she would end her laughs with a deep wet cough. She cussed like a sailor and would leave us in tears with her stories.

The men in the bars loved her, too. Not in the way you would think – though she would indulge herself every now and then. They just loved her one liner’s. She would tell us about them during break at work and laugh and cough her ass off. I have shamelessly use some of her sayings myself, or told others to use them.

A couple I remember her telling was: “Some dude would come up to me and say, ‘Betty, I sure would like to have a little pussy.’ And she would tell him, “Me, too. I’m about to swallow this barstool.” Or one would tell her, “I sure would like to get laid tonight.” She would tell him, “Well, crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.” She informed us that you could tell when she was wearing panties under her mini skirt. If she wasn’t, then when she set down on the barstool she would go straight to the floor.

I wish I had been able to know her better and longer, but I was injured on the job and finally left the company and lost track of her. I saw an old friend at the Waffle House today, and he told me about Betty. God, I loved that woman. They don’t make many liker her.

Along the same lines, my brother e-mailed this to me today. I don’t think he understood it though, since he is as queer as a football bat. But he is cool and the funniest one in the family, too.

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezes. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"

I've Been Busy

Boy, it’s been a long few days. I left for New York on Thursday night around 10:00 p.m. and drove all night arriving at the first location around 12:30 p.m. on Friday. Unloaded most of the dogs and then drove the thirty minuets to the other location. I was back on the road around 2:30 and drove until 8:00 p.m. I had to stop in Hagerstown, MD, at the Motel 6 and slept till 5:00 a.m. on Saturday before heading out again. I mad it back home about 5:00 p.m. on Saturday. I could have been back by 4:00 but I had to waist about an hour in Charlotte while one of there State Patrolmen gave me a speeding ticket for doing 80 mph in a 60 mph zone.

When an eight lane highway has a two or three mile strip posted at 60 mph then moves back up to 65 mph, it is not a safety issue – it’s a revenue generating issue. But it is the cost of doing business. I’ll pay the fine.

Then I got a call on the cell phone from my real-estate agent telling me we have a contract on our house. We are scheduled for closing on or about July 1st. We are now looking to northeast Georgia area for a few archers that will accommodate three houses. We want a small two or three bedroom house with a front porch. Right now we have a house with four bedrooms and three full baths on the second floor and an apartment complete with kitchen, living room and bed room for living pulse an office, some storage and a game room in the daylight basement with its own entrance. Steven and Laura live down there. Way too much for Sweet Tea and me, though. We are so looking forward to having a much smaller home.

But I may be off-line for a while until we can get moved and either cable set up or DSL. Does Direct TV have computer connections? I’ll have to find out about that.

Anyway, on Sunday, Sweet Tea, my step-son, Steven and his wife, Laura, drove the two hours out to Dr. Amber’s place and finished her kennels by adding two foot walls and four foot chain link fencing in the four different cages. This gives her eight concrete cages for the puppies and dogs. It was sprinkling rain and about 50 degrees the whole day, but it was fun and we did laugh a lot. The cages are even baptized in blood in a few places. But we had no trouble going to sleep on Sunday night.

Yesterday we spent the morning getting Sweet Tea packed and delivered to the Atlanta airport. She is off again to New Jersey for three weeks. So I slept in this morning and got up around 8:30. I’ve been blogging ever since. I do owe Tookie Tail and my niece, Beth, a meme, but I have to be in the mood to do those things and I AM NOT right now. Give me a few days and I’ll post them.

In the mean time, I have to start doing some packing and sorting. And looking at property!

I’ll leave you with this little dittie:

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. However after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"