Maxine's Halloween Video

With the Halloween season just ahead, you ladies (especially you single ones) out there need to take some advice from our favorite snarky lady, Maxine.




Advice given!

You're welcome!
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Maxine Is Always P.C.

Maxine says,

"Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note: We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us, do no like to be called “Towel Heads” since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as “Little Sheet Heads.”

Thnak you fo ryour support and compliance on this delicate matter.

The Living Will - I Have One For Ya

For many of us in the Autumn of our lives, we need to stop and consider (but not give into) the possibility that we could end up in a situation where we will not be able to make decisions for ourselves. Heart attack, stroke, caught by a jealous husband with a shotgun in his hand, you know, things. So it is wise for each of us to have a living will so that our desires and wishes are met and carried out the way we want them.

But how to make up a living will? No problem! Rest assured your purveyor of all things educational, medical and life improving - me - has found an example.


The ever wise Maxine has given us an example and one I will pass on to you for your consideration. Make sure you give a copy to your attorney, religious leader, the IRS and one to Obama as a trophy for the addition to the coffers your Inheritance (Death) Tax will provide.

My Living Will

I,_________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under not circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn’t pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in running up the bills.

If a reasonable time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of Wine
Chocolate
Margarita
Sex
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken Fried Steak
Cream Gravy
Sex
Mexican Food
Chocolate
French Fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
Ice Cream
Cup of Tea
Chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate

It should be assumed that I won’t ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let ’the fat lady sing,’ and call it a day.

Then go have a drink…It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.

You're Welcome!
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Redneck Monday - Redneck Songs and Sayings

Rednecks are the sensitive type, too. We love our music and we sing from the bottom of our hearts about life’s journey. Here are 25 of the greatest Redneck Ballards.

25) Git your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cuz I'm Kissin ya Goodbye
24) Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Hart Was Pure
23) How Can I Miss Ya If You Won't Go Away?
22) I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21) I Bought A Car Frum A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run, So We're Even
20) I Keep Furgittin' I Furgot About You
19) I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18) I Still Miss Ya Baby, But My Aim's Gittin' Better
17) I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fite, Cuz I'm Afraid She'd Win
16) I'll Marry Ya Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15) I'm So Miserable Without Ya, It's Like Havin' You Here
14) I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back And Cryin' Over You
13) If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12) If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
11) Mama Git a Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
8) Please Bypass This Heart
7) She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
6) You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
5) You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
4) If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3) She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
2) She's Looking Better After Every Beer
... and the number 1 Redneck song of all time. . .
1) How Come My Dog Don’t Bark When You Come Around
(actually, some of these are real songs)


And one of the hottest redneck gals in the world is my honey, Maxine. She says, “As You Slide Down the Bannister of Life - Remember…”

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written An impressive new book. It's called - 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink And be Mary..

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant FLASH and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes - now there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just Vending machines and a large trash can.

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may The splinters never point the wrong way.

13. My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.


Be who you are and say what you feel... because those that matter don't mind... and those that mind don't matter!

MARVIN My Newest Hero

We all know of Maxine and how snaky she can be.

Well meet Marvin, the male answer to Miss Maxine and my newest hero.

We have a lot in common - attitude wise.




Ain't he da bomb?
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Some Maxine Humor and Next President

Here we are, already discussing the future President of the United States, beginning with the Year 2012.

For those of you who would like THE VERY BEST choice for President, we have a solution. It is probably time we have a woman as President.

One choice is a very special lady who has just about every answer to assist in helping us to solve our problems.

PLEASE give this a thought when you have a moment...

MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!

Very eloquently put.............don't you think?

Here are a few of Maxine’s opinions:

Maxine on Driver Safety, "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."

Maxine on Lawn Care, "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on The Perfect Man, "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on Technology Revolution, "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on Aging, "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

More Maxine quotes:

"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."

"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."

"To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."

"Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?" (Now that's scary!)

"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."

"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead."

And as far as aging goes, did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Makes perfectly good sense to me.....

Just remember:
We'll be FRIENDS until we are old and senile. Then we'll be NEW FRIENDS.

Maxine In The Pub

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Maxine's Men

MY FIVE NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!

I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go to see John.


Then Charlie Horse comes along, & when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention.


When he leaves,Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day.

He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.



After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad to go to bed With Ben Gay.

What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

And thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.

Now remember:

Life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes....so have fun, think 'good thoughts', learn to laugh at yourself, and Count your blessings!!!!!!!
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