PAMPURRED

10 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.

6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

10. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.

Dot Got Her Nails and Chin Done

(Not My Granny Dot)

Grannydot wanted to get her toenails and fingernails sharpened, shaped or trimmed…whatever it is you women do with all those chink women jabbering to each other. However, Judy was busy (she wanted to run up to the mall and get Dot a Mother’s Day present, but I think she was just making up stuff so she wouldn’t have to do this) and she asked me to take her. I had to get a haircut and beard trim anyway, so I agreed.

As a side note, why is all the magazines in a beauty shop just for women? Men go in there for stuff, too. No Playboys, Hustler, Popular Mechanics or even a People. Anyways, after going through a two foot high stack of magazines I finally settled on one that was ALL advertising called Cheerleaders. Not one good. Not a hot girl to be seen. No foldout either. Boring!

Anyparlor, after the lady was through with me I had to wait on Dot. (See comment above). Finally she came out with a pretty shade of red fingernails and a plastic fold up thingy that kept her from being barefoot and these things between her toes. Something to do with the drying process, I assume. But she had the same polish on her fingers and there were no funny things between them. Do toenails dry slower?

Besides, Dot walks with a walker and she was trying to shuffle with those little flimsy flip-flops, or whatever they were, sliding sideways on her feet. Actually it was kinda funny watching her shuffle out the door.

Judy was bragging on how nice her digits looked, but Dot wasn’t as excited about that as she was about the chink waxing her chin and pulling out three or four hairs that could have been braided.

I guess taking a pair of tweezers, piers, duct tape or weedwacker and get rid of them at home would be too much activity for her, so she paid an extra $5.00 to have them chopped down at the salon. Women?!?!

She asked Judy to look at her face several time to see how it looked. I took a look, too, and damn if she’s even uglier now that the bush has been cleared. But she is pretty on the inside (I keep telling myself.)

Only five more days…

Eat Mo Pork

Forget about Chick-fil-A and the cows telling you to eat more chicken!

It is safer to eat Pork!

Happy Mothers Day

For all you Mothers out there…

Have a gooden!

Obama Health Care Per The AMA

Finally the American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's health care package.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it.

The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologist had sort of a gut feeling about it.

The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"

The Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.

The Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter".

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.

The Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.

The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

My Rx

Older Woman On A Cruise

It’s amazing how our values change we you age!

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam…I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your girly bits are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"