A Happy Kangaroo and Happy Dicks

Now I honestly believe that I was reincarnated from a kangaroo.

And speaking of Dicks…

Greatest Headline in the History of Sports Journalism

Happy Dicks was a linebacker at the University of Georgia in the mid 60's, which will make this article about the journalist from Georgia, the late, Lewis Grizzard, AÖ '68, that much funnier.

On the eve of the Georgia - South Carolina game 41 years ago, I was hanging out with three Sigma Pi brothers (the Hound, Tex , and Bake), drinking a few cold PBRs at the old Callaway Gardens Apartment on Atlanta Highway. We were discussing the upcoming game against the Gamecocks and lamenting the fact that we were going in with several key players out with injuries, including our starting DE, Billy Payne (who ran the Atlanta Olympics and is now Ch of the Board at Augusta National) and his roommate, MLB, Happy Dicks.

About 10:00 that night, another fraternity brother, Lewis Grizzard, came in after he got off work. Our buddy was inactive at the time because he had gotten married over the summer to his high school sweetheart, Nancy (the first of many--all with the same name--Plaintiff). In addition to taking a full load at the University, he was working two jobs to help pay for (as he called it) "this expensive habit." A talented young man, he was writing two columns daily - one in the morning for the Athens Banner Herald and one in the afternoon for the Athens Daily News.

Lewis walked in, went straight to the refrigerator, got a beer, plopped down in a chair, pushed his glasses back up his nose and announced, "Gentlemen, with any luck at all, tomorrow morning you'll witness journalistic history. I have submitted my column and if it gets by my editor - and there's a good chance of that happening, since he looked drunk earlier this evening - you'll enjoy the greatest headline in the history of sports journalism."

He refused to tell us what it was, and to be honest with you, we all forgot about it. As Lewis went home to his lovely, young bride, the four of us went back over to the Fraternity house to get a head start on the weekend.

The next morning, as usual, I went straight for the Sports Section. As I pulled it out, I could do nothing but smile, because our buddy had pulled it off. To this day, Vince Dooley calls it his most memorable column ever - all because of the headline, which read:

DOGS TO PLAY COCKS WITH DICKS OUT.

There's no doubt about it, it was "the greatest headline in the history of sports journalism."

He was certainly one of a kind. Grizzard, I mean.

RESTREPO and Earl - A Great Couple Of Days

Monday and Tuesday have been awesome for me and Judy. We drove down to Columbus, GA, to Ft. Benning to watch the screening of RESTREPO, a documentary by Sebastian Junger and Tim Herington.

These two guys made 10 trips to be with the men of Battle Company, 2nd of the 503rd Infantry Regiment, 173rd Airborne Brigade Combat Team in the Kornegal Valley of Afghanistan - one of the deadliest places on Earth.


The outpost was named for Juan ‘Doc’ Restrepo, a medic killed a few weeks after arriving. His death affected all the men and when they pushed into the Taliban’s territory, they named the out-post after him.

The documentary speaks for itself. Very few questions are asked and you can hear a few comments from Sebastian and Tim, but it is mostly the voices of the men in the platoon.

I thoroughly enjoyed the viewing and have many feelings and thoughts about what I saw. But mostly just know that war is dirty, nasty, stinking, frightful, funny, boring and cruel, and it doubles my feelings of love and respect for all those dudes and dudetts over there.

Also in attendance and stood for a Q&A was the then Captain now Major who was prominent in the movie and his Colonel. I got their autographs on a movie poster and got to talk to them for a bit. Great men. There were also some of the platoon in the audience, but they did not get up for the Q&A, choosing to just stay humble in their glory. Many won medals for bravery and wounds for their service that year. I did get to talk to a couple of them, too. I was humbled and awed to the openness and friendliness of the guys.


(Leta Caruth, Judy, Kanani Fung, Studly Hungwell)

These two ladies made it possible for Judy and I to be there. Devoted women to milsupport and to the Airborne. I would loved to have spent more time with them, but they were very busy getting ready for after hours…uh…stuff.


(Studley, Judy, Marie and Earl)

Tuesday Judy and I got to meet my old shipmate, Earl and his wife Marie. Great people who I am very proud to call true friends. Love those two as if they were my own family.

They took us on a tour of Columbus that included the Civil War Naval Museum and the Ft. Benning Army Infantry Museum. Both are great, but the Infantry Museum is freaking awesome. If you are in the Columbus area, you have to go there.

We finished off the day at a Japanese restaurant, and then headed home. I’m very tired but it is a good tired. Anytime I get to send with Earl and Marie is good. And getting to meet Kanini and Leda was a great treat, too. They are some very driven yet personable ladies.

Redneck Monday - WalMart Quote and Mo Sayings

(Wanna Ring That Door Bell?)

Even Redneck Women know the importance of dressing up for swanky places:


AND NOW, MORE REDNECK SAYINGS:

He’s slower than molasses runnin up hill in July.

That’s funnier then watchen a retard get laid.

Busier than a cucumber in a women's prison!

I'm so hungry my belly button is sticking out of my ass hole.

Well knock me down and steal my teeth!

He swapped legs with a jaybird and got cheated out of a butt.

It's hotter than a spanked baby's ass out here.

You can't get blood from a turnip.

He was drunker than Cooter Brown on the 4th of July.
(Cooter Brown is a name used in metaphors and similes for drunkenness.)

That BBQ is tangier than my brother's cutoffs.

He's so scared you couldn't drive a wet watermelon seed up his butt with a sledge hammer.

He's handier than a pocket on a shirt.

If I had that swing on my back porch I’d ride it every night.
(Watching a girl walk by)

Champane Taste On Soda Pop Salary.

My sister's soooo ugly, my mom had to get drunk to breastfeed her!

I'm so poor if I stepped on worn out dime I'd bet you a nickel I could tell you whether it's heads or tails.

It's Hotter n' hell's basement on the day of reckonin'.

You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a handful of rice!

He Was As Low As The Ex's Lawyer

It’s hotter than 4 or 5 fat bitches in an Escort

That's all for now.

Alright, Stop It!

I hear that clapping and whistling.

Just for that, I'll be back next Monday with more Redneck goodies.
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A Strang Old Tool

A Strange Old Tool . . . Do you know what it is?

This Old Tool has recently been reintroduced by the Obama Administration as part of its healthcare reform.

Are you starting to feel it yet?
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I Got A Couple Of Awards From A Slut

Today is special for me. I just received, not one, but two awards from the same person. Susan over at Coffee Slut has sent me these awards because she has excellent taste and knows quality blogs when she sees it…or I owe her money or something. And you know that any woman with ‘Slut’ in her name is gonna be my best friend.

And there are rules and shit to follow, but you know me, I don’t do rules very well. I just can’t seem to follow them. My ADHD I guess. But one of the rules is to pass these along to 5 or 10 or 3,000 other bloggers. I cannot and will not do that. I have some of the best bloggers in bogdom and I cannot pick one out over the other to pass along an award. So you all can have either or both. Just take your pick.


The first one is A Blog With Sustenance and I am suppose to list 5 words that sum up my blogging experience, philosophy and/or motivation:
Laughter…Support…Learning…Envy…Sharing


The next one is the Versatile Blogger award. With this I am suppose to tell you seven things you do know about me. Well, I have posted some of these before, but I have a whole cast of new characters that follow me now so I’ll mention some things already confessed to.

1. I use to race stockcars on the dirt track bull rings around the area in the 70’s. Not very good but had a shit-load of fun.
2. I’m and ordained minister. Am, too! $25 on-line so I could legally marry my step-daughter and boyfriend. But they chose to cohabitate instead. Now I am trying to figure out how to get some tax breaks with it. No luck!
3. I have a college degree with an MBA, but the accomplishment I am most proud of is I quit smoking (cold turkey) over 17 years ago. Hardest thing I ever did - at the start - but I refused to let that cigarette take hold of my body and dictate my life. Fucker!
4. I love the sound of 43 NASCAR rockets zooming by on the first two laps when they are all bunched up; the sound of jets zooming over at treetop level; and my grandkids laughter. (My granddaughter has a low, belly rolling laugh and my grandson laughs like me, silent and shaking, but he has a natural smile that will melt your heart.)
5. Except for my family, I keep people at a distance because THEY WILL HURT YOU.
6. Yet, I will move Heaven and Hell to help you if you need it. I will be YOUR best friend and confident - I don’t share your secrets or troubles.
7. I Heart Blogging! (Oh! You know that. Uuuummm) How ‘bout…I cry at movies. No tears shed when my mom, dad, and two brothers died, but put beautiful, sweet music behind it and I would cry at a comedy festival.

So there you have it. Learn anything new? Shit that matters? Didn’t think so.

TTFN
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The Living Will - I Have One For Ya

For many of us in the Autumn of our lives, we need to stop and consider (but not give into) the possibility that we could end up in a situation where we will not be able to make decisions for ourselves. Heart attack, stroke, caught by a jealous husband with a shotgun in his hand, you know, things. So it is wise for each of us to have a living will so that our desires and wishes are met and carried out the way we want them.

But how to make up a living will? No problem! Rest assured your purveyor of all things educational, medical and life improving - me - has found an example.


The ever wise Maxine has given us an example and one I will pass on to you for your consideration. Make sure you give a copy to your attorney, religious leader, the IRS and one to Obama as a trophy for the addition to the coffers your Inheritance (Death) Tax will provide.

My Living Will

I,_________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under not circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn’t pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in running up the bills.

If a reasonable time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of Wine
Chocolate
Margarita
Sex
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken Fried Steak
Cream Gravy
Sex
Mexican Food
Chocolate
French Fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
Ice Cream
Cup of Tea
Chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate

It should be assumed that I won’t ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let ’the fat lady sing,’ and call it a day.

Then go have a drink…It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.

You're Welcome!
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Not To All Hunters

My Third Post of the Day.

I'm on a roll folks.

Note To All Hunters:
This is from a San Francisco newspaper


Peeps, just remember as you read this, this person probably drives & votes.

The Bellamy Brothers - Jalapenos

Two Post Today! I had to pass this one one, though.
Got it from my high school buddy, Larry Wayne Grady on FB.

More Than Just A Sex Object

I told you there is more to me than just a sex object...I'm a player, too.

The Italian Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

The Red Dot Explained - Again

I posted this back in February, 2009, but with our Muslim president, Husane Obama, and where he is leading us, I thought it important that we revisit this and try even more to understand more about our Indian friend’s traditions and mannerisms as Hinduism is soon to follow.



For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. This is called a ‘Bindi’. However, it is not to be confused with the Crocodile Hunter’s daughter, Bindi.

Anydot, most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or a religious symbol, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel. If nothing is there, then he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

This is another service announcement brought to you by me in order to keep you informed and educated. It is part of my ongoing attempt to educate the world.

You’re welcome.

Sex At 73

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73!



I'm sooooo happy, because I live at unit 67.
So it's not far to walk home afterwards!
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Only In Canada

Only in Canada would you see a sign like this!


(click on picture to bigger size it)

How Do You Like Me Now - Barry's Song

I stole this from my Face Book Buddy, Stacy.



I DON'T

The Blind Cowboy, The Redhead and Tim Hawkins

BLIND COWBOY

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, considering that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


The Redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. “My name is Sally Collins - with two L's and " one I " .( No ! This is not the punch line ! )

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."


Now enjoy a little Tim Hawkins

Redneck Monday - Mo Sayings

Damn!

Got befuddled acause of the holiday and fergot it be Monday.

Sorry!

So here tis:

About BBQ: if you go away clean you ain't eatin' it right.

Why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it?

She's faster than a striped assed ape.

That's LOWER then a mole's belly button on digging day!

He's as full of shit as a Christmas turkey.

He's the meanest SOB ever to shit behind shoe leather.

That smells like the shithouse door on a shrimp boat.

That's sharper than a mother-in-law's tongue.

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

If you can sleep with 'em, I can eat with 'em!

It's my Mother's fault. I was never like this 'till I was born.

She has more chins than a Chinese phone book.

I'm so horney I'd do a snake if it didn't have teeth!!!

Your mother's so stupid, she thinks cheerios are donut seeds!

I'm so mad I could spit! (only ladies say this)

He jumped on that like a duck on a June bug.

That guy is as Nellie as pink ink with a voice that would chip paint.

Your uglier than a burning up donkey in the middle of winter

We was fishin' on that lake, an' it come up a cloud an' the bottom dropped out!
(Interpretation: "We were fishing, and got caught in a downpour.")

It's hotter than the hinges of hell.

Madder than a one legged woman at the IHOP. (I don’t know either)

I’m having more fun than a tornado in a trailer park.

Boy you got about as much sense as god gave a goose.

The only thing that separates you from White Trash is your rich husband!

If it can't be cooked with bacon grease, it ain't worth fixin', let alone eatin'.

Faster than a cat can lick its ass.

Warped like a dogs hind leg.

Well Hell yes it's hard for him to understand 'cause he's always got both ass-cheeks wrapped around his ears!

Adam and Eve - The Muslim Version

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Happy 4th of July

July 4th is my favorite holiday.

No presents, no church, no costumes!

No chocolate bunnies, no sappy greeting cards!

Just liquor and a trunk full of explosives.

Chaplin

My Best Buddy Is Gone


Kidney Cancer
Euthanized Tonight

He will be missed!

A Thoughtful Poem About Drinking Beer