Humans aren’t so tough. For the most part we are fat, dumb and lazy. Okay, I'm just F.D.&L. Oh, yeah, we invented computers, television, wireless telephones, tampons and vibratos. We have extended life by inventing miracle drugs and HMO’s (just kidding). But we have lost some things, too. Our ability of survive by using our sense of smell and vision, cunning, strength and instincts. Just using the things God (or nature, or The Force) gave us.
I don’t usually think about this stuff, but today I was coming back from the store and a black wasp landed on my windshield. No problem! He will blow off and go on his wasp-doing way when I drive off. NOT!
The wind coming over the windshield didn’t seem to bother him/her/it at all. As I picked up speed it just lay down on its side and let its wings flutter in the breeze. I got up to 60 mph and it just laid there. The only thing holding it to the windshield was his little bitty feet. Can you imagine the suction or the toe hold it had to have to accomplish that? When I came to a traffic light or stop sign, it would stand up, rub his back legs, and walk around the windshield until I started moving again. Then it would just lay on its side again. It stayed there until I stopped at a traffic light in front of a Burger King. I guess it had had enough fun for the day and was hungry because it just flew away.
A human couldn’t do that even though a human weighs a gazillion more pounds than that little black wasp. We would have to have a hand or foot hold, or both, to stay on the windshield at 60 mph. The wasp just stuck his foot on the glass and was happy. I thought I heard a tiny “weeeeee” as I was going down the road. Maybe not! But it made me feel that we humans are just not so tough.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Harry Potter
I finished it.
I liked it.
I don’t feel that I was left hanging.
I miss Dobby the most.
I hope J.K. starts a new series of some sort soon. Maybe a heart tugging story centered on topless mud wrestlers from Bulgaria.
I liked it.
I don’t feel that I was left hanging.
I miss Dobby the most.
I hope J.K. starts a new series of some sort soon. Maybe a heart tugging story centered on topless mud wrestlers from Bulgaria.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Brutally Honest Personality Test
This was fun and kind of accurate - especially the ugly face part.
Your Score: Commander - ESTP
60% Extraversion, 26% Intuition, 53% Thinking, 26% Judging
It's all about action with you, isn't it? You're outgoing and right to the point. Fast moving, fast talking and often fast spending. Your motto is "Just DO it."
Wow. You move faster than the Flash on a treadmill. (Yes. I could have thought up something cleverer than that. But honestly, you're just not worth my time.)
To carry on the superhero theme, you're comparable to the Hulk. Except you're uglier. And you're slightly more intimidating. People flinch when you're around for fear you might exert your dominance and order them to do 50 press-ups.
Perhaps if you calmed down a little, people wouldn't be so scared of you. Of course, something would have to be done about your face. Is plastic surgery an option?
This insatiable appetite for action means that you're not exactly into long term commitments. You get bored incredibly quickly and tend to jump in and out of relationships like the Energiser Bunny.
Eventually you're going to run out of people to bounce to, and you will end up a very lonely and hated individual.
*****************
If you want to learn more about your personality type in a slightly less negative way, check out this.
*****************
The other personality types are as follows...
Loner - Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Pushover - Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Criminal - Introverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving
Borefest - Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging
Almost Perfect - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
Freak - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
Loser - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
Crackpot - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
Clown - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Sap - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Do Gooder - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Judging
Scumbag - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
Busybody - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
Prick - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
Dictator - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
| Link: The Brutally Honest Personality Test written by UltimateMaster on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test |
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Do You Know Your State's Motto
Alabama: Heck Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunken Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Prostitutes and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%## Motto? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner...
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack-Jaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! Nerds And Slackers Overrun Us!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men and The Sheep Are Scared
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunken Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Prostitutes and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%## Motto? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner...
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack-Jaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! Nerds And Slackers Overrun Us!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men and The Sheep Are Scared
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
More Words of Wisdom
Words of wisdom! Some you have seen before, but all have a ring of truth.
1. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
2. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
3. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
4. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
5. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the hips change places.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
8. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she is pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
9. There is always one more imbecile that you counted on.
10. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark and a team of educated, trained professionals built the Titanic.
11. It is easier to get forgiveness than to ask for permission.
12. Don’t worry what people think, they don’t do it very often.
13. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
14. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
15. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
16. A person who is nice to you but is rude to the waitress is not a nice person.
17. Its not the jeans that make your ass look fat…it’s the fat.
18. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
19. No one cares if you can’t dance. Just get up and do it.
20. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
And finally,
21. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background is that we are above average drivers
1. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
2. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
3. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
4. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
5. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the hips change places.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
8. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she is pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
9. There is always one more imbecile that you counted on.
10. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark and a team of educated, trained professionals built the Titanic.
11. It is easier to get forgiveness than to ask for permission.
12. Don’t worry what people think, they don’t do it very often.
13. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
14. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
15. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
16. A person who is nice to you but is rude to the waitress is not a nice person.
17. Its not the jeans that make your ass look fat…it’s the fat.
18. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
19. No one cares if you can’t dance. Just get up and do it.
20. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
And finally,
21. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background is that we are above average drivers
Sunday, July 15, 2007
New To The Sea
I was over at Pamela’s The Dust Will Wait neighborhood and she was talking about the experiences she had going whale watching. It brought back a few memories for me, too.
A couple of years ago Marni, with hers and me with mine, went on a cruse to Nova Scotia. On the return trip we had a pod of whales follow us for about half an hour. It was neat to see them blowing and diving. But I didn’t get seasick. I did, however, get seasick the fist time I went to sea.
I had just reported aboard my ship (USS Frank E. Evans DD754) and the next week we went to sea. When I first went aboard I was in the deck force (painting and chipping, swabbing and sweeping.) When we pulled out it was windy and stormy and the ship was really rocking and rolling. I was stuck inside and couldn’t get any fresh air, orient myself to the horizon or any other trick to staying nourishly sound. So, I got sick. The problem was that the “barf bucket” was under the coffee urn. So, when you upchucked and came up for a breath you would get a whiff of the hot coffee aroma (as strong smelling and with the consistity (sp) of burnt motor oil.) So you upchuck again and again until you get the dry heaves. I had to stick my finger up my ass and crook it to keep from throwing it up, too. But the next day I was able to go out on the deck and reorient myself and I was okay after that. I survived but I did have sore ribs for a day or so. And I had to live through the ribbing from all the “old salts” for quiet a few weeks. Those “old salts” were only eighteen to twenty years old, but they had been to sea before.
A few days later I had to stand the mid-watch (midnight to four in the morning) as lookout on the top of the bridge. The next morning they call me up to the bridge and showed me the mess someone made throwing up over the side of the ship. Because I had been sick the first day out, they assumed it was me. I tried to tell them I didn’t do it, but they made me scrub down the bulkhead (wall) anyway. I believe it was a petty office that was coming of a drunk (sometimes the hard drinkers would sneak a bottle aboard and have a nip or two or twenty) and got sick, but I couldn’t say that. And they didn’t want to hear it anyway. I was the newest crew member (boot) and I had to pay my dues. So I scrubbed puke. It’s wasn’t too bad. It was dry and flakey so I came off real easy.
We were out for three weeks that time and ran through two more storms, but I didn’t get sick again. I became an ole salt. So salty that if I need salt on my food, all I had to do was rub my finger over the food and the salt would drop off. It wasn’t long after that I discovered alcohol and whore houses. Ah, the Navy experiences. Interesting way to grow up, don’t ya think?
A couple of years ago Marni, with hers and me with mine, went on a cruse to Nova Scotia. On the return trip we had a pod of whales follow us for about half an hour. It was neat to see them blowing and diving. But I didn’t get seasick. I did, however, get seasick the fist time I went to sea.
I had just reported aboard my ship (USS Frank E. Evans DD754) and the next week we went to sea. When I first went aboard I was in the deck force (painting and chipping, swabbing and sweeping.) When we pulled out it was windy and stormy and the ship was really rocking and rolling. I was stuck inside and couldn’t get any fresh air, orient myself to the horizon or any other trick to staying nourishly sound. So, I got sick. The problem was that the “barf bucket” was under the coffee urn. So, when you upchucked and came up for a breath you would get a whiff of the hot coffee aroma (as strong smelling and with the consistity (sp) of burnt motor oil.) So you upchuck again and again until you get the dry heaves. I had to stick my finger up my ass and crook it to keep from throwing it up, too. But the next day I was able to go out on the deck and reorient myself and I was okay after that. I survived but I did have sore ribs for a day or so. And I had to live through the ribbing from all the “old salts” for quiet a few weeks. Those “old salts” were only eighteen to twenty years old, but they had been to sea before.
A few days later I had to stand the mid-watch (midnight to four in the morning) as lookout on the top of the bridge. The next morning they call me up to the bridge and showed me the mess someone made throwing up over the side of the ship. Because I had been sick the first day out, they assumed it was me. I tried to tell them I didn’t do it, but they made me scrub down the bulkhead (wall) anyway. I believe it was a petty office that was coming of a drunk (sometimes the hard drinkers would sneak a bottle aboard and have a nip or two or twenty) and got sick, but I couldn’t say that. And they didn’t want to hear it anyway. I was the newest crew member (boot) and I had to pay my dues. So I scrubbed puke. It’s wasn’t too bad. It was dry and flakey so I came off real easy.
We were out for three weeks that time and ran through two more storms, but I didn’t get sick again. I became an ole salt. So salty that if I need salt on my food, all I had to do was rub my finger over the food and the salt would drop off. It wasn’t long after that I discovered alcohol and whore houses. Ah, the Navy experiences. Interesting way to grow up, don’t ya think?
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
You Know You Are Old When
You know you are getting old when you feel bad in the morning with out having any fun the night before, and going to the doctor means you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
But with age comes skills. It's call "multi tasking." I can laugh, cough, sneeze, fart and pee at the same time.
And I have my hand in a cast. I banged it up the other night on the night stand when I woke up with an erection and my hand was asleep. I was trying to wake it up. You see, Sweet Tea is in New Jersey and has been for over two weeks, so I can't afford to loose any opportunities.
But with age comes skills. It's call "multi tasking." I can laugh, cough, sneeze, fart and pee at the same time.
And I have my hand in a cast. I banged it up the other night on the night stand when I woke up with an erection and my hand was asleep. I was trying to wake it up. You see, Sweet Tea is in New Jersey and has been for over two weeks, so I can't afford to loose any opportunities.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Tom Rush
Tom Rush has a funny song that I can relate to so well. Just highlight this rul and copy and paste in to your web page and enjoy. I would have a direct link for you but I just do not know how to do it - or post pictures - or add links - or...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yN-6PbqAPM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yN-6PbqAPM
Sunday, July 08, 2007
More Rules For Understanding Men
The last post got a couple of comments that should be addressed. Nadine wanted to know if it was that simple. And Heidi said that men are so uncomplicated. Well, yes, it is that simple and yes, we are so uncomplicated. Below are a few more rules in understanding men other than all we think, want and breath is sex. Enjoy, and if you know anymore, let me know and I will add them to the list.
GUY RULES
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
1) Men are NOT mind readers.
2) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3) Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4) Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
5) Crying is blackmail.
6) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
7) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
9) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
10) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
11) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
12) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
13) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
14) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
15) Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
16) ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
17) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
18) If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
19) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
20) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.......Really.
21) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
22) You have enough clothes.
23) You have too many shoes.
24) I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
GUY RULES
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
1) Men are NOT mind readers.
2) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3) Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4) Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
5) Crying is blackmail.
6) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
7) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
9) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
10) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
11) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
12) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
13) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
14) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
15) Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
16) ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
17) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
18) If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
19) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
20) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.......Really.
21) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
22) You have enough clothes.
23) You have too many shoes.
24) I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
What The Answer Means
I told Her Indoors that I would send a list of what women and men really mean when they answer questions. Enjoy!
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry.
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You had better not.
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry!
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy!
3. I am tired = I am tired!
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay!!!
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry.
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You had better not.
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry!
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy!
3. I am tired = I am tired!
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay!!!
Monday, July 02, 2007
Skidboot
Go to this goodle site and watch a very heart warming piece.
How can you not love a dog?
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5249518974978628334&q=skidboot&hl=en
How can you not love a dog?
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5249518974978628334&q=skidboot&hl=en
Friday, June 22, 2007
More MeMe
Skippy Mom tagged me to do this meme, so here goes:
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes! John the Baptist and King David. Boy were those names misplaced.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? The last time I saw a John Holms movie. It just ain’t fair.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No! After an industrial accident broke a few bones in my right hand and, with the invention of Word on the computer thus reducing my need to put pin in hand, I can’t even read most of what I write.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Hamburger, hamburger and, oh yeah, hamburger!
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes! One of my own, two with Sweet Tea and I wouldn’t be surprised if one or two showed up at my door one day.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I don’t even like me now. So, NO! Though I would try harder to be liked if I was another person. I’ll give you a dollar if you will like me.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Are you shitting me? I thrive on it. That’s why no one likes me. Even for a dollar.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes!
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? I don’t lay awake at night burning with desire to do it, but, yes, I think I would if the opportunity availed itself. That’s why I avoid bungee jump sites as much as possible.
10. YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? Raisin Brand! All My Children! Deadwood! Cinnamon Swirls!
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Yes! Well! If I am wearing loafers, only if they have that little tie thingy.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically, NO! Emotionally, YES! Smelly, SOMETIMES!
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? Just plain old Vanilla! You can add some caramel topping and some nuts if you want too, please.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? If they are the pointing a gun at me!
15. RED OR PINK? Red!
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOU? Being old! Although it is infinitely better than the alternative.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Magnum, PI!
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? If they have nothing better to do, I would like to see their answers.
19. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Blue jean shorts and black tennis shoes.
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? An apple!
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The TV and the clicking of the keyboard.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? Blue or an earth tone shade.
23. FAVOURITE SMELLS? Women! The lake while on the boat! The grandkids after their bath! Fresh baked bread! Fart bubbles in the bathtub! A freshly opened can of coffee or bottle of whisky!
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Sweet Tea!
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yes, I do!
(No idea what happened to question 26 so I’ll make up one!)
26. What is your favorite TV show? Magnum, PI and DaVinci’s Inquest!
27. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH? NASCAR and Topless Mud Wrestling!
28. HAIR COLOUR? Gray – what’s left of it.
29. EYE COLOUR? Hazel!
30. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Oh God NO! I can’t even take eye drops without two fat men sitting on my arms.
31. FAVOURITE FOOD? Hamburger!
32. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings!
33. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The Bad News Bears does Debbie in Dallas! No! Wait! That’s a fantasy of mine. It would have to be Congo with the kiddies.
34. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? Not really!
35. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer or Winter what? They both have their place in my life.
36. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs! Unless it is the kiddies, then BOTH.
37. FAVOURITE DESSERT? Hamburger! Oh! Sorry, that seem to be the most given answer. Dessert, huh? Apple Pie al a mode.
38. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I don’t know. I’m not sure anyone will even read this stuff.
39. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Anyone who doesn’t read this stuff.
40. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? I have three going at the moment. Personal Memoirs by Ulysses S. Grant; Were Were Soldiers Once…And Young by Harold G. Moore and Joseph L. Galloway; The Husband by Dean Koontz. It all depends on where I am as to what I am reading – my chair in the den, a restaurant or the commode.
41. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Dirt and stains!
42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Studio 60 on the Sun Set Strip. Sorry! I was reading and not watching much of it.
43. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SOUND? Forty-three NASCA engines going by at full throttle or a jet engine going overhead or my grandkids laugh, or a really hot and sexy woman saying YES (I have only heard three of the four, though.)
44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Maybe a rolling stone rolling over a beatle. I never like either group.
45. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Japan and Hong Kong. The question ask for the “furthest” and I don’t know if you mean feet, yards or miles. I would have to say it would be something like 20’ to the 150 something power. Just use the place names. It is easier.
46. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Nothing with the lights on.
47. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Atlanta – Crawford Long Hospital!
48. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GET BACK? Heidi, CCW, Biddie, KLee and anyone else who wants to do it.
49. ARE YOU MARRIED? Yes
50. IF MARRIED...AND YOU WERE WIDOWED WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER REMARRIAGE? If she is a zillionaire and can suck a golf ball through a 50’ water hose, maybe. But before a woman would go out with me I would have to feed her seeing-eye dog, too. So, probably not!
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes! John the Baptist and King David. Boy were those names misplaced.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? The last time I saw a John Holms movie. It just ain’t fair.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No! After an industrial accident broke a few bones in my right hand and, with the invention of Word on the computer thus reducing my need to put pin in hand, I can’t even read most of what I write.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Hamburger, hamburger and, oh yeah, hamburger!
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes! One of my own, two with Sweet Tea and I wouldn’t be surprised if one or two showed up at my door one day.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I don’t even like me now. So, NO! Though I would try harder to be liked if I was another person. I’ll give you a dollar if you will like me.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Are you shitting me? I thrive on it. That’s why no one likes me. Even for a dollar.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes!
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? I don’t lay awake at night burning with desire to do it, but, yes, I think I would if the opportunity availed itself. That’s why I avoid bungee jump sites as much as possible.
10. YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? Raisin Brand! All My Children! Deadwood! Cinnamon Swirls!
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Yes! Well! If I am wearing loafers, only if they have that little tie thingy.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically, NO! Emotionally, YES! Smelly, SOMETIMES!
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? Just plain old Vanilla! You can add some caramel topping and some nuts if you want too, please.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? If they are the pointing a gun at me!
15. RED OR PINK? Red!
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOU? Being old! Although it is infinitely better than the alternative.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Magnum, PI!
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? If they have nothing better to do, I would like to see their answers.
19. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Blue jean shorts and black tennis shoes.
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? An apple!
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The TV and the clicking of the keyboard.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? Blue or an earth tone shade.
23. FAVOURITE SMELLS? Women! The lake while on the boat! The grandkids after their bath! Fresh baked bread! Fart bubbles in the bathtub! A freshly opened can of coffee or bottle of whisky!
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Sweet Tea!
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yes, I do!
(No idea what happened to question 26 so I’ll make up one!)
26. What is your favorite TV show? Magnum, PI and DaVinci’s Inquest!
27. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH? NASCAR and Topless Mud Wrestling!
28. HAIR COLOUR? Gray – what’s left of it.
29. EYE COLOUR? Hazel!
30. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Oh God NO! I can’t even take eye drops without two fat men sitting on my arms.
31. FAVOURITE FOOD? Hamburger!
32. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings!
33. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The Bad News Bears does Debbie in Dallas! No! Wait! That’s a fantasy of mine. It would have to be Congo with the kiddies.
34. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? Not really!
35. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer or Winter what? They both have their place in my life.
36. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs! Unless it is the kiddies, then BOTH.
37. FAVOURITE DESSERT? Hamburger! Oh! Sorry, that seem to be the most given answer. Dessert, huh? Apple Pie al a mode.
38. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I don’t know. I’m not sure anyone will even read this stuff.
39. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Anyone who doesn’t read this stuff.
40. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? I have three going at the moment. Personal Memoirs by Ulysses S. Grant; Were Were Soldiers Once…And Young by Harold G. Moore and Joseph L. Galloway; The Husband by Dean Koontz. It all depends on where I am as to what I am reading – my chair in the den, a restaurant or the commode.
41. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Dirt and stains!
42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Studio 60 on the Sun Set Strip. Sorry! I was reading and not watching much of it.
43. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SOUND? Forty-three NASCA engines going by at full throttle or a jet engine going overhead or my grandkids laugh, or a really hot and sexy woman saying YES (I have only heard three of the four, though.)
44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Maybe a rolling stone rolling over a beatle. I never like either group.
45. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Japan and Hong Kong. The question ask for the “furthest” and I don’t know if you mean feet, yards or miles. I would have to say it would be something like 20’ to the 150 something power. Just use the place names. It is easier.
46. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Nothing with the lights on.
47. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Atlanta – Crawford Long Hospital!
48. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GET BACK? Heidi, CCW, Biddie, KLee and anyone else who wants to do it.
49. ARE YOU MARRIED? Yes
50. IF MARRIED...AND YOU WERE WIDOWED WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER REMARRIAGE? If she is a zillionaire and can suck a golf ball through a 50’ water hose, maybe. But before a woman would go out with me I would have to feed her seeing-eye dog, too. So, probably not!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Sweet Tea
I just want the world to know that I am very proud of my Sweet Tea. She has completed her MBA program and now has a master's degree. I'm not surprised, though. She is one of the smartest and wisest women I know (after all, she married me.) Besides, now she will be home more and I will have cooked meals again, laundry done, the grass cut, the cars washed, the house painted…
Nah! I’ll just have my buddy back to watch TV and do stuff with. Spend some time on the boat, more time with J-Man and Bug and just have her around. But the difference is she now holds a piece of paper that says she is officially SMART.
Nah! I’ll just have my buddy back to watch TV and do stuff with. Spend some time on the boat, more time with J-Man and Bug and just have her around. But the difference is she now holds a piece of paper that says she is officially SMART.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Book Meme
This month’s book meme was found over at It’s a Pug’s Life and other places. I think you will see what a nerd I really am.
Here’s what you do:
• Grab the nearest book.
• Open to page 161.
• Find the fifth full sentence.
• Post the sentence.
"Sir: The distribution of the forces under my command, incident to an un-expected change of commanders, and the overwhelming force under your command, compel me, notwithstanding the brilliant success of the Confederate arms yesterday, to accept the ungenerous and unchivalrous terms which you propose." From the letter sent to Gen. U.S. Grant by Brig. Gen. S.B. Buckner, C.S.A. accepting Grant’s surrender demands from the book “Personal Memoirs” by Ulysses S. Grant.
Here’s what you do:
• Grab the nearest book.
• Open to page 161.
• Find the fifth full sentence.
• Post the sentence.
"Sir: The distribution of the forces under my command, incident to an un-expected change of commanders, and the overwhelming force under your command, compel me, notwithstanding the brilliant success of the Confederate arms yesterday, to accept the ungenerous and unchivalrous terms which you propose." From the letter sent to Gen. U.S. Grant by Brig. Gen. S.B. Buckner, C.S.A. accepting Grant’s surrender demands from the book “Personal Memoirs” by Ulysses S. Grant.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
John Enters
Her Indoors had an interesting post. One of her blogging friends gave her this suggestion and I though I would do it too. Man, how can something so random be so close to my personality? It's freaky.
Here’s what you do. Go to Google and type in your name and the word “needs.” I put in John (because that in my first name. See how easy it is. I figured it out on my own, too,) and “needs.” Like this, if you are having trouble keeping up with this: John needs! Then list the first 10 things that come up under your search. The list below is for real, people.
John needs…
1. Operation after hooker bites penis.
2. Your Bone marrow.
3. To get his patootie back here.
4. My life work.
5. Help – AnimeNation AnimeForums. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
6. Sex, Lies and Scandals
7. More Paper
8. Needs your help please. – Now that is more true than you may think.
9. New ideas.
10. Called to service again.
Strange and interesting. Try yours and let me know what happens.
Here’s what you do. Go to Google and type in your name and the word “needs.” I put in John (because that in my first name. See how easy it is. I figured it out on my own, too,) and “needs.” Like this, if you are having trouble keeping up with this: John needs! Then list the first 10 things that come up under your search. The list below is for real, people.
John needs…
1. Operation after hooker bites penis.
2. Your Bone marrow.
3. To get his patootie back here.
4. My life work.
5. Help – AnimeNation AnimeForums. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
6. Sex, Lies and Scandals
7. More Paper
8. Needs your help please. – Now that is more true than you may think.
9. New ideas.
10. Called to service again.
Strange and interesting. Try yours and let me know what happens.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
For The Love of Bug
I love my grandkids and would do anything for them, even if it means going through pain and embarrassment. Such is the case with Bug. Marni and I have been trying to get her to get her ears pierced for quiet a while. She didn’t want to because, I though, it would hurt. So, to let her know that it didn’t hurt, I said I would get my ears pierced, too, if she did it. She said no to that, too.
What I didn’t know is that she and her mother had decided to wait until after soccer season to have it done. Smart move, since there is so much sweating and dirt involved. By waiting until after the season would help keep down the possibility of infections. But did they tell me, NOOOOO.
So two of my favorite females went to the mall last week and got Bug’s ears pierced. We talked on the phone about her experience, but nothing was said about my promise. Whew! I missed the bullet. Until 10:00 p.m. when the phone rang again. I said hello and the sweet little voice on the other end said, without any hello or anything, “Another thing about my ears being pierced, you have to do yours, too.”
Damn! I told her I was surprised that she remembered since it had been a while since we had talked about it. She said that she didn’t remember. It was J-Man who reminded her – the little shit.
But I said that I was a man of my word and that I had promised, so I would do it. This is what we did last night at the mall. I got my ears pierced. I have not secretly harbored a desire to have it done. It is not anything I need to make me look good and/or sexy. I already have that in a wrinkled old man sort of way. But I promised.
I chose a 3mm titanium dull finished little doorknob looking thing. I chose that one because it is like my personality and lifestyle - dull. But I kept my word to Bug. I just hope the world doesn’t think I am trying to look young, at least until the holes heal and I can get my chain that is attached to each ear and hangs down under my chin. I can then have a place to hang my glasses and ink pins, maybe coat hangers when I am getting dressed in the morning. Or to use if I fall down and can’t get up.
But I kept my word. Next time, I will lie like a husband caught with a pair of bikini panties in his glove compartment.
What I didn’t know is that she and her mother had decided to wait until after soccer season to have it done. Smart move, since there is so much sweating and dirt involved. By waiting until after the season would help keep down the possibility of infections. But did they tell me, NOOOOO.
So two of my favorite females went to the mall last week and got Bug’s ears pierced. We talked on the phone about her experience, but nothing was said about my promise. Whew! I missed the bullet. Until 10:00 p.m. when the phone rang again. I said hello and the sweet little voice on the other end said, without any hello or anything, “Another thing about my ears being pierced, you have to do yours, too.”
Damn! I told her I was surprised that she remembered since it had been a while since we had talked about it. She said that she didn’t remember. It was J-Man who reminded her – the little shit.
But I said that I was a man of my word and that I had promised, so I would do it. This is what we did last night at the mall. I got my ears pierced. I have not secretly harbored a desire to have it done. It is not anything I need to make me look good and/or sexy. I already have that in a wrinkled old man sort of way. But I promised.
I chose a 3mm titanium dull finished little doorknob looking thing. I chose that one because it is like my personality and lifestyle - dull. But I kept my word to Bug. I just hope the world doesn’t think I am trying to look young, at least until the holes heal and I can get my chain that is attached to each ear and hangs down under my chin. I can then have a place to hang my glasses and ink pins, maybe coat hangers when I am getting dressed in the morning. Or to use if I fall down and can’t get up.
But I kept my word. Next time, I will lie like a husband caught with a pair of bikini panties in his glove compartment.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
New Drugs For Women
FUKITOL
Depressed? Overworked? Job Suck? Unappreciated? Family Problems? Money Worries? Well here is a pill for you. When life blows…fukitol.
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pi cku p trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
Depressed? Overworked? Job Suck? Unappreciated? Family Problems? Money Worries? Well here is a pill for you. When life blows…fukitol.
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pi cku p trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Five Easy Questions
Miss Cindydianne sent me five interview questions, not because she in crazy in love with me, but because I dared her. So, I will try to give truthful, thought provoking answers that will help you navigate the paths of your life.
1. Who is your favorite NASCAR driver and why?
That would be Michael Waltrip because he is the longest running feminine diver in NASCA history. I also like Jeff Burton and Dale Jarrett because they are a class act and a great role model.
2. Have you ever been in the Armed Services? Which Branch? What is a memorable moment from that time?
Yes! That would be the NAVY. There are so many. I remember leaning over the rail and shaking hands with a Russian sailor as their ship passed us close to port in the Formosa Straights between Taiwan and China. The two captains were having a pissing contest on who was the best skipper. Then there was the day I was on watch, sitting on the radar scope when the announcement was made that Kennedy had been shot. We were by ourselves, two days out of Yokosuka, Japan, with no more information than that, so we went to general quarters (battle stations) in case it had come from Cuba or Russia. Then there was the time, two days after shaking hands with the Russian sailor, we rounded the Southern tip of Taiwan and ran head on into a typhoon. I was only 18 and too stupid to be afraid until I saw the old salts turn white when our ship took a 45 degree roll. At 47 degrees the huge gun turrets are supposed to fall into the ocean to help us get back to level, and at 49 degrees we would have capsized. After that role you couldn’t have driven a straight pin up my ass with a sledge hammer.
3. How many children and grandchildren do you have? Will you tell us a funny story about them?
I have one child that I know of – Marni. Sweet Tea has two – Dr. Amber and Steven. From Marni I have two grandkids, J-Man and Bug. From Steven I have his girlfriend, The Mole, and from Amber I have 36 dogs and 15 cats (anyone want to adopt?).
J-Man and I were cutting up one day and I told him I will take you out. He said, “Oh, PawPaw, if you do that you will go to prison for life.” He then thought about that for a second and then said, “But that’s okay. You want be there too long.” Bug keeps me laughing all the time, but I am having a Senior Moment Brain Fart right this minuet and I can’t think a story to tell you about her. Maybe later!
4. If you could know when you were going to die, would you want to?
Death doesn’t bother me. We are all going to have to face it someday, and knowing when has it’s advantages. I don’t think I would like to know the exact time and date, because I would probably be more concerned with the actual countdown than anything else. But having a general idea would help me get things done that need to be done so that Sweet Tea and Marni won’t have to mess with it. I plan on being cremated with my ashes put into a douche bag and run through one more time. Any volunteers?
5. There’s been a rumor floating around that your appearance is similar to Bill Clinton. Is it true?
Not today. In the summer I keep my hair buzz off. But in the fall and winter I let my hair grow. I comb it back like Slick Willie’s and when I put my glasses on; I have been told that I look like him. It’s an evil right-wing conspiracy, I tell ya. I believe it is perpetrated by hate radio. I don’t, nor ever have, gotten the action he has, and I would never ruin a good cigar the way he did. I have also been told, though, that I look like John Wayne. Especially the way he looked in “She Wore A Yellow Ribbon.” But I think I look more like me than anyone else. As a matter of fact, I look more like myself everyday. It’s remarkable.
Well, I hoped your life is a little better now since you have read this. If not, there’s not a lot I can do for you.
Thanks, Cindydianne.
1. Who is your favorite NASCAR driver and why?
That would be Michael Waltrip because he is the longest running feminine diver in NASCA history. I also like Jeff Burton and Dale Jarrett because they are a class act and a great role model.
2. Have you ever been in the Armed Services? Which Branch? What is a memorable moment from that time?
Yes! That would be the NAVY. There are so many. I remember leaning over the rail and shaking hands with a Russian sailor as their ship passed us close to port in the Formosa Straights between Taiwan and China. The two captains were having a pissing contest on who was the best skipper. Then there was the day I was on watch, sitting on the radar scope when the announcement was made that Kennedy had been shot. We were by ourselves, two days out of Yokosuka, Japan, with no more information than that, so we went to general quarters (battle stations) in case it had come from Cuba or Russia. Then there was the time, two days after shaking hands with the Russian sailor, we rounded the Southern tip of Taiwan and ran head on into a typhoon. I was only 18 and too stupid to be afraid until I saw the old salts turn white when our ship took a 45 degree roll. At 47 degrees the huge gun turrets are supposed to fall into the ocean to help us get back to level, and at 49 degrees we would have capsized. After that role you couldn’t have driven a straight pin up my ass with a sledge hammer.
3. How many children and grandchildren do you have? Will you tell us a funny story about them?
I have one child that I know of – Marni. Sweet Tea has two – Dr. Amber and Steven. From Marni I have two grandkids, J-Man and Bug. From Steven I have his girlfriend, The Mole, and from Amber I have 36 dogs and 15 cats (anyone want to adopt?).
J-Man and I were cutting up one day and I told him I will take you out. He said, “Oh, PawPaw, if you do that you will go to prison for life.” He then thought about that for a second and then said, “But that’s okay. You want be there too long.” Bug keeps me laughing all the time, but I am having a Senior Moment Brain Fart right this minuet and I can’t think a story to tell you about her. Maybe later!
4. If you could know when you were going to die, would you want to?
Death doesn’t bother me. We are all going to have to face it someday, and knowing when has it’s advantages. I don’t think I would like to know the exact time and date, because I would probably be more concerned with the actual countdown than anything else. But having a general idea would help me get things done that need to be done so that Sweet Tea and Marni won’t have to mess with it. I plan on being cremated with my ashes put into a douche bag and run through one more time. Any volunteers?
5. There’s been a rumor floating around that your appearance is similar to Bill Clinton. Is it true?
Not today. In the summer I keep my hair buzz off. But in the fall and winter I let my hair grow. I comb it back like Slick Willie’s and when I put my glasses on; I have been told that I look like him. It’s an evil right-wing conspiracy, I tell ya. I believe it is perpetrated by hate radio. I don’t, nor ever have, gotten the action he has, and I would never ruin a good cigar the way he did. I have also been told, though, that I look like John Wayne. Especially the way he looked in “She Wore A Yellow Ribbon.” But I think I look more like me than anyone else. As a matter of fact, I look more like myself everyday. It’s remarkable.
Well, I hoped your life is a little better now since you have read this. If not, there’s not a lot I can do for you.
Thanks, Cindydianne.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
...ologies
I kind of tagged myself after reading this on Nancy’s Blog Pourri blog.
FOODOLOGY
Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Some times Ranch, sometimes Blue Cheese, sometime Thousand Island, sometime – well, it depends on my mood or taste craving.
Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Wendi’s
Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. I like Japanese, Mexican and Italian
Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. One; next time don’t wait on me.
Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. Cheeseburgers with mustard, ketchup, mayo, onions, tomato and lettuce. And Diet Coke!
Q. What is your favorite type of gum?
A. The upper. It holds the prettiest teeth.
TECHNOLOGY
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. A green sloping filed with a clear blue sky – think Teletubbys.
Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. Four!
BIOLOGY
Q. What’s your best feature?
A. My third finger on my left hand. It has the ring Sweet Tea gave me.
Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Polyps from my nose; kidney stones; my gallbladder; a few teeth; hope for a safe, secure America for my grandkids; a fingernail and toenail; but I have had a stent put in my heart. So the total is OUT- many, IN – one.
Q. Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
A. Sleep! Okay, Touch!
Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. If you are talking about a woman, it’s been awhile. If you are talking about teeth, now! I go in a couple of weeks to get it filled.
Q. What is the heaviest item you lifted last?
A. Either the last time I went to the bathroom or a chair I took out of the SUV after our trip to NJ last week.
Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Yes!
BULLSHITOLOGY
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. Nope!
Q. Is love for real?
A. When I think about or look at my grandkids, you betcha.
Q. If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?
A. Doctor! Or maybe Howdy! Maybe Sire!
Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Blue – especially if Kelly Ripa is wearing it.
Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. Yep! A few hairs, a bug or two, some pennies and dimes, a few seeds from the non-food type herbs and a diamond.
Q. Have you ever saved someone’s life?
A. Yep! I changed my mind.
Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. Yes! Sweet Tea.
DAREOLOGY
Q. Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
A. Yes, and you could have a day to raise a crowd.
Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. Kiss them where?
Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. Yes, except for number three on the left.
Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. Nice try, but HELL YES!
Q. Would you pose nude in a magazine for $250,000?
A. Yes, but it would probably be in Old Geezers and Wheezers.
Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1,000?
A. No!
Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. There are some I would take out for free. So, yea, I would.
Q. Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
A. No!
Q. Give up MySpace forever for $30,000?
A. Sure! I don’t use it now, so why not.
DUMBOLOGY
Q: What is in your left pocket?
A. My pocket knife, and a ten, a five and three ones.
Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. I don’t know who he is or why he would make a movie.
Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. Both.
Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. Stand
Q: Could you live with roommates?
A. I have, but I don’t want to do it again (except for ST of course.)
Q: How many pairs of flip-flops do you own?
A. None!
Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A. I got a warning ticket for speeding a few weeks ago. I told him I wasn’t speeding, I was qualifying. He started to take me to jail for impersonation a comedian – honest.
Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. Old and happy! Maybe a quality control inspector in a whore house.
LASTOLOGY
Q: Friend you talked to?
A. Quartermaster Chuck in Chicago.
Q: Last person you called?
A. Sweet Tea
RANDOMOLOGY
Q: First place you went this morning?
A. Bathroom!
Q: What can you not wait to do?
A. Go back to the bathroom.
Q: What’s the last movie you saw?
A. The Last Mimzi
Q: Are you a friendly person?
A. I Guess! Especially if you have money.
FOODOLOGY
Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Some times Ranch, sometimes Blue Cheese, sometime Thousand Island, sometime – well, it depends on my mood or taste craving.
Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Wendi’s
Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. I like Japanese, Mexican and Italian
Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. One; next time don’t wait on me.
Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. Cheeseburgers with mustard, ketchup, mayo, onions, tomato and lettuce. And Diet Coke!
Q. What is your favorite type of gum?
A. The upper. It holds the prettiest teeth.
TECHNOLOGY
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. A green sloping filed with a clear blue sky – think Teletubbys.
Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. Four!
BIOLOGY
Q. What’s your best feature?
A. My third finger on my left hand. It has the ring Sweet Tea gave me.
Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Polyps from my nose; kidney stones; my gallbladder; a few teeth; hope for a safe, secure America for my grandkids; a fingernail and toenail; but I have had a stent put in my heart. So the total is OUT- many, IN – one.
Q. Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
A. Sleep! Okay, Touch!
Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. If you are talking about a woman, it’s been awhile. If you are talking about teeth, now! I go in a couple of weeks to get it filled.
Q. What is the heaviest item you lifted last?
A. Either the last time I went to the bathroom or a chair I took out of the SUV after our trip to NJ last week.
Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Yes!
BULLSHITOLOGY
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. Nope!
Q. Is love for real?
A. When I think about or look at my grandkids, you betcha.
Q. If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?
A. Doctor! Or maybe Howdy! Maybe Sire!
Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Blue – especially if Kelly Ripa is wearing it.
Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. Yep! A few hairs, a bug or two, some pennies and dimes, a few seeds from the non-food type herbs and a diamond.
Q. Have you ever saved someone’s life?
A. Yep! I changed my mind.
Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. Yes! Sweet Tea.
DAREOLOGY
Q. Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
A. Yes, and you could have a day to raise a crowd.
Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. Kiss them where?
Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. Yes, except for number three on the left.
Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. Nice try, but HELL YES!
Q. Would you pose nude in a magazine for $250,000?
A. Yes, but it would probably be in Old Geezers and Wheezers.
Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1,000?
A. No!
Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. There are some I would take out for free. So, yea, I would.
Q. Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
A. No!
Q. Give up MySpace forever for $30,000?
A. Sure! I don’t use it now, so why not.
DUMBOLOGY
Q: What is in your left pocket?
A. My pocket knife, and a ten, a five and three ones.
Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. I don’t know who he is or why he would make a movie.
Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. Both.
Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. Stand
Q: Could you live with roommates?
A. I have, but I don’t want to do it again (except for ST of course.)
Q: How many pairs of flip-flops do you own?
A. None!
Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A. I got a warning ticket for speeding a few weeks ago. I told him I wasn’t speeding, I was qualifying. He started to take me to jail for impersonation a comedian – honest.
Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. Old and happy! Maybe a quality control inspector in a whore house.
LASTOLOGY
Q: Friend you talked to?
A. Quartermaster Chuck in Chicago.
Q: Last person you called?
A. Sweet Tea
RANDOMOLOGY
Q: First place you went this morning?
A. Bathroom!
Q: What can you not wait to do?
A. Go back to the bathroom.
Q: What’s the last movie you saw?
A. The Last Mimzi
Q: Are you a friendly person?
A. I Guess! Especially if you have money.
Dear Proctor & Gamble...
The letter below was sent to me via email. I have no understanding of the content, but some of you might - according to some of your blog posts. When you get through reading this, babe, how about getting me a beer?
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. This brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness "actual smiling, laughing happiness" is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always!
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. This brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness "actual smiling, laughing happiness" is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always!
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
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