On my post below titled ‘There’s A Difference,’ Old Lady commented on her excellent theory about the development of relationships between men and women. It is a credible and plausible theory, but I think it is just her way of saying she dreams of multiple partners. So I dug into my files and came up with this chain letter from a few years back that will give her the multiple partners she desires and have fun doing it. Any of you who want to try it, go ahead. In some cases, you may get a few men multiple times, depending on who your contact list contains. So, enjoy! Oh! Don't send Sweet Tea one. She doesn't go for this shit - dammit.
Dear Old Lady,
This is a chain letter started with the hope of bringing relief to tired or unhappy wives. Unlike other chain letters you may have seen, this one doesn’t cost anything. Simply send a copy of this letter to four of your married friends who are tired or unhappy. Then bundle up your husband and send him on to the woman at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom of the list.
Someday you will be on top. When you’re name comes to the top of the list you will have received 16,487 men… and some of them are DANDIES. Have faith in this letter and don’t break the chain. One woman broke the chain and got her old man back. Don’t let this happen to you.
At the time of this letter, a friend of mine had received 465 men. They buried her yesterday, and it took seven undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face and two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin.
Sincerely,
A Good Friend.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Saturday, April 19, 2008
USS IOWA
Today, twenty-nine years ago, forty seven young men lost their lives while serving in the #2 gun mount on the USS Iowa (BB61). While sailing in the Caribbean, the ship was performing gunnery practice by firing her 16 inch guns. These are huge guns and firing one can send reverberations thought-out the ship. There are three of these bad boys in each turret, and there are two turrets on the bow (front) of the ship. When a full broadside (all the turrets for and aft aimed to port or to starboard) the ship moves sideways in the water and anyone standing outside can be killed by the concussions. Each powder magazine weighs over 600 pounds and fires a 1200 pound projectile over 26 miles with pin-point accuracy.
This morning (9:58 a.m.) turret #2 fired its first salvo and was immediately followed by a secondary explosion that killed the 47 young men.
One of the men was FCSA (Fire Controlman Seaman Apprentice) Richard J. Lewis, the brother of a friend of mine. Amy doesn’t talk about it much, but she and her family are deeply affected by the incident.
As much as I sometimes enjoyed and sometimes hated my service in the Navy, I am proud that I served. But the Navy also has a way of being self-serving and devious. The initial story was that a petty office deliberately set off the explosion because of a homosexual relationship gone wrong. The families (including Amy’s mother) fought this lie and won. FCSA Lewis wasn’t one of the people involved in the relationship, though. The Navy came back and apologized and stated that they don’t know what really caused the explosion, but investigations speculated that after firing the first shot there was a blowback of fire that ignited the powder bag being loaded for the next shot. Normally this should not happen, but malfunctions do happen, but the real reason may never be known.
What is known is that the lives of 47 men were snuffed out in an instant and the lives of 47 families were changed forever, not to mention the crew who had to recover the bodies of their friends. Every man and woman who has served in the service knows that they may have to lay down their lives for their country. Some do it in battle, some do it in sickbay from an illness or organ failure, or from an accident, but to die from an error or accident that wasn’t of your own making is horrible. This is one of the strongest feelings anyone serving has, that his fellow mates might die because of his/her error or not doing their job the way they were trained to do. That reason alone was enough for me not to believe the initial reports of a love gone wrong. I have never believed it and many of my fellow veterans haven’t either.
But like the 74 men who went down on my ship in 1969, these 47 deserve to be remembered, too. They were the cream of the crop of the late 80’s and they deserve to be remembered. So, Amy, I remember!
This morning (9:58 a.m.) turret #2 fired its first salvo and was immediately followed by a secondary explosion that killed the 47 young men.
One of the men was FCSA (Fire Controlman Seaman Apprentice) Richard J. Lewis, the brother of a friend of mine. Amy doesn’t talk about it much, but she and her family are deeply affected by the incident.
As much as I sometimes enjoyed and sometimes hated my service in the Navy, I am proud that I served. But the Navy also has a way of being self-serving and devious. The initial story was that a petty office deliberately set off the explosion because of a homosexual relationship gone wrong. The families (including Amy’s mother) fought this lie and won. FCSA Lewis wasn’t one of the people involved in the relationship, though. The Navy came back and apologized and stated that they don’t know what really caused the explosion, but investigations speculated that after firing the first shot there was a blowback of fire that ignited the powder bag being loaded for the next shot. Normally this should not happen, but malfunctions do happen, but the real reason may never be known.
What is known is that the lives of 47 men were snuffed out in an instant and the lives of 47 families were changed forever, not to mention the crew who had to recover the bodies of their friends. Every man and woman who has served in the service knows that they may have to lay down their lives for their country. Some do it in battle, some do it in sickbay from an illness or organ failure, or from an accident, but to die from an error or accident that wasn’t of your own making is horrible. This is one of the strongest feelings anyone serving has, that his fellow mates might die because of his/her error or not doing their job the way they were trained to do. That reason alone was enough for me not to believe the initial reports of a love gone wrong. I have never believed it and many of my fellow veterans haven’t either.
But like the 74 men who went down on my ship in 1969, these 47 deserve to be remembered, too. They were the cream of the crop of the late 80’s and they deserve to be remembered. So, Amy, I remember!
Friday, April 18, 2008
There is a Difference
We all know that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Below are examples that prove this thrum.
Women As Explained by Engineers
Any Questions?
Women As Explained by Engineers
Any Questions?
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Thursday Humor
Thanks to my friend Mary:
Three Women: One engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to AMAZE their men. That night they decided to wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again....
The engaged girlfriend said, ‘The other night, when my boyfriend came home, he found me with the leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress said, ‘AH! Me, too; the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say anything...But we had wild sex all night.
The married one said, 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night and I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband comes in from work and opens the door and says: 'HEY BATMAN, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?'
And I am adding:
A woman stopped by her daughters house for a visit without call first. Being a mom, she did have to know before going in, so she opened the door and there was her daughter lying on the couch – naked.
“What in the world are you doing?” she screamed.
The daughter, embarrassed and trying to cover herself said, “It’s time for my husband to come home and I frequently greet him in my birthday suit. It turns him on and we have great sex all night long.”
“Well, I had better leave.” the mother said as she embarrassingly backed out of the door.
But she thought about it all the way home and thought she would give it a try with her husband. When it was time for him to come in the door, she shucked her clothes, jumped on the couch and waited.
He came in the door, saw her laying there and shockingly said, “What in the hell are you doing, woman?”
She said, “I thought I would greet you in my birthday suit.”
He took off his cap, set down in his chair with the remote control and said, “Birthday suit? Well you need to iron the damn thing. It’s wrinkled as hell.” His visiting hours are for family only.
Three Women: One engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to AMAZE their men. That night they decided to wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again....
The engaged girlfriend said, ‘The other night, when my boyfriend came home, he found me with the leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress said, ‘AH! Me, too; the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say anything...But we had wild sex all night.
The married one said, 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night and I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband comes in from work and opens the door and says: 'HEY BATMAN, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?'
And I am adding:
A woman stopped by her daughters house for a visit without call first. Being a mom, she did have to know before going in, so she opened the door and there was her daughter lying on the couch – naked.
“What in the world are you doing?” she screamed.
The daughter, embarrassed and trying to cover herself said, “It’s time for my husband to come home and I frequently greet him in my birthday suit. It turns him on and we have great sex all night long.”
“Well, I had better leave.” the mother said as she embarrassingly backed out of the door.
But she thought about it all the way home and thought she would give it a try with her husband. When it was time for him to come in the door, she shucked her clothes, jumped on the couch and waited.
He came in the door, saw her laying there and shockingly said, “What in the hell are you doing, woman?”
She said, “I thought I would greet you in my birthday suit.”
He took off his cap, set down in his chair with the remote control and said, “Birthday suit? Well you need to iron the damn thing. It’s wrinkled as hell.” His visiting hours are for family only.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
There She Goes
Some you have been wondering where I have been. I’m well and happy, but very busy. We have sold our old homestead of fifteen years (see below) and the closing is scheduled for July 1st.
This is the view from the front stoop looking across the street to the club house, pool and the tennis courts. There are two of these in the 'hood and in the summer time there are some might purty bikinis over thar.
We have many mixed feelings about doing this. We like our house, but it is entirely too big for just Sweet Tea and I. There are four bedrooms and three baths on the second floor; two staircases from the main floor to the second floor and one to the basement. We have a huge kitchen and breakfast area, a two story den, a formal living room and a dining room with a half bath. The basement has a ‘mother-in-law’s’ apartment where Steven and Laura live – bedroom, bathroom, living room and kitchen. It has a game room and an office along with a storage place. We simply do not need it anymore. So we are downsizing – with the operative word being ‘down’.
I have spent the last few days riding all over North East Georgia looking for land, hopefully with at least one dwelling on it. Our goal is to get a track of land that is – or can be – divided into three parcels. Sweet Tea and I will live on one, Steven and Laura on one and Dr. Amber and Bob and the rescue dogs on the other. Not an easy task.
I found a farm with twelve acres which included a double wide trailer, a four stall barn and a hay barn. It has a huge garage/work shop and the whole place is fenced in. It is almost perfect for us. They raise miniature horses, turkeys and chickens. Sounds too good, huh? The bad news is six acres are on a green belt with high power wires crossing the land cutting it in half. You can feed animals, run naked across the fields, or most anything, except build a permanent structure on it. So that property seems to be out; we are still thinking about it. If we do get this parcel, any of you who want to run naked acorss the patures are welcome to come and join us. You can pee on the trees, too.
We are also thinking about a trailer park we found that has five trailers on it. They aren’t in the best of shape, but the land is half the price of the farm above and what we are getting from the sale of our homestead. The thinking right now is to live in the trailers, build a log cabin or a prefab home on the land and then scrap all the trailers. This land is over six acres, but we can use all of it. It is backed by woods and there huge farms on either side of the park. There seem to me there are more hunting dogs than people in there area.
Our agent and I are still looking at land, burning gas and trying to keep Sweet Tea, who is in New Jersey till the end of the week, informed. I take pictures on the cell phone and email them to her, but you have to be there to see the real thing. We will do this next week – when I get back from my dog transport to New Jersey.
We may end up living in a motel for a while until we can find something and get settled. In the mean time, I will try to keep y’all informed. I have been reading your stuff, but have been too tired to try to post. Sorry! I’m an old fucker and need my rest. Later!
This is the view from the front stoop looking across the street to the club house, pool and the tennis courts. There are two of these in the 'hood and in the summer time there are some might purty bikinis over thar.
We have many mixed feelings about doing this. We like our house, but it is entirely too big for just Sweet Tea and I. There are four bedrooms and three baths on the second floor; two staircases from the main floor to the second floor and one to the basement. We have a huge kitchen and breakfast area, a two story den, a formal living room and a dining room with a half bath. The basement has a ‘mother-in-law’s’ apartment where Steven and Laura live – bedroom, bathroom, living room and kitchen. It has a game room and an office along with a storage place. We simply do not need it anymore. So we are downsizing – with the operative word being ‘down’.
I have spent the last few days riding all over North East Georgia looking for land, hopefully with at least one dwelling on it. Our goal is to get a track of land that is – or can be – divided into three parcels. Sweet Tea and I will live on one, Steven and Laura on one and Dr. Amber and Bob and the rescue dogs on the other. Not an easy task.
I found a farm with twelve acres which included a double wide trailer, a four stall barn and a hay barn. It has a huge garage/work shop and the whole place is fenced in. It is almost perfect for us. They raise miniature horses, turkeys and chickens. Sounds too good, huh? The bad news is six acres are on a green belt with high power wires crossing the land cutting it in half. You can feed animals, run naked across the fields, or most anything, except build a permanent structure on it. So that property seems to be out; we are still thinking about it. If we do get this parcel, any of you who want to run naked acorss the patures are welcome to come and join us. You can pee on the trees, too.
We are also thinking about a trailer park we found that has five trailers on it. They aren’t in the best of shape, but the land is half the price of the farm above and what we are getting from the sale of our homestead. The thinking right now is to live in the trailers, build a log cabin or a prefab home on the land and then scrap all the trailers. This land is over six acres, but we can use all of it. It is backed by woods and there huge farms on either side of the park. There seem to me there are more hunting dogs than people in there area.
Our agent and I are still looking at land, burning gas and trying to keep Sweet Tea, who is in New Jersey till the end of the week, informed. I take pictures on the cell phone and email them to her, but you have to be there to see the real thing. We will do this next week – when I get back from my dog transport to New Jersey.
We may end up living in a motel for a while until we can find something and get settled. In the mean time, I will try to keep y’all informed. I have been reading your stuff, but have been too tired to try to post. Sorry! I’m an old fucker and need my rest. Later!
Monday, April 07, 2008
The First Computer
I know most of you have seen this before, but I though you needed to see it again. Those of you who haven't seen it before, enjoy or ignore, depending on your mood.
Memory was something you lost with age.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
A web was a spider's home.
A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.
A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3 inch floppy. . . You just hoped nobody ever found out!
Remeber those simple days? The times, they are a changing.
Memory was something you lost with age.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
A web was a spider's home.
A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.
A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3 inch floppy. . . You just hoped nobody ever found out!
Remeber those simple days? The times, they are a changing.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Underwear and T-Shirts
I got up this morning feeling fine and dandy. Jumped into the shower and washed off real good – some parts took more time to wash than others, but you don’t care about that. The point is, I got out, toweled off, and went to get some skivvies. But there were no clean skivvies. None! I haven’t done my laundry yet, and I didn’t realize the severity of the depletion of the undergarments.
So I dress commando and off to Wal Mart I go just a swinging. I don’t like to shop. I hate it. So I restock my skivvies and white socks about twice a year. This was about the time I need to do it, so I loaded up on several pair. Brief’s, boxer briefs, t-shirts and socks. Some colored, some white. Now I am all covered and it feels good to have clean, new cloth snuggling up to the tool and the nuts.
When you first go into Wal Mart there is a section as you go in the door with specialty items they are trying desperately to push. The first half of this section was full of t-shirts with an ecology theme. Sayings, like ‘Green Is The Next Black’ – what ever that means. Another one was a white shirt with what looks like it has dirt and grease on it and the saying, ‘Save Energy, Don’t Wash Your Shirts.’ But my favorite was, ‘Save The Planet. It’s The Only One With Beer.” That’s as good a reason as any other I have heard. Imagine living on Mars without beer. Shudder! But I didn’t buy one, though. I’m not that big a dork. Not anymore! Not is years! Not since last week. Not since… Okay! I didn’t have enough money. OKAAAYYYY!
Gotta run, now. I get to sit with the kiddies tonight while Marni and Carl go off on a date, and they have call me twice now wanting to know where I am. Love those little shits!
So I dress commando and off to Wal Mart I go just a swinging. I don’t like to shop. I hate it. So I restock my skivvies and white socks about twice a year. This was about the time I need to do it, so I loaded up on several pair. Brief’s, boxer briefs, t-shirts and socks. Some colored, some white. Now I am all covered and it feels good to have clean, new cloth snuggling up to the tool and the nuts.
When you first go into Wal Mart there is a section as you go in the door with specialty items they are trying desperately to push. The first half of this section was full of t-shirts with an ecology theme. Sayings, like ‘Green Is The Next Black’ – what ever that means. Another one was a white shirt with what looks like it has dirt and grease on it and the saying, ‘Save Energy, Don’t Wash Your Shirts.’ But my favorite was, ‘Save The Planet. It’s The Only One With Beer.” That’s as good a reason as any other I have heard. Imagine living on Mars without beer. Shudder! But I didn’t buy one, though. I’m not that big a dork. Not anymore! Not is years! Not since last week. Not since… Okay! I didn’t have enough money. OKAAAYYYY!
Gotta run, now. I get to sit with the kiddies tonight while Marni and Carl go off on a date, and they have call me twice now wanting to know where I am. Love those little shits!
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Staying Healthy
Does this sound familiar?
During a visit to my doctor we were discussing my prostate, which is swollen. No cancer or anything like that, just aging. Anyway, he told me to ejaculate as often as I could, that it helps with the swelling.
Well, you know me, I ask him for a prescription for a three times weekly visit with a hooker so the insurance would pay for it, and that he should provide a nurse for immediate medication.
He just placed his hand on my shoulder and said that if that worked that easily he would have use up all his Rx pads on himself. It’s a shame, too. He has some awesome looking nurses and one bodacious PA.
During a visit to my doctor we were discussing my prostate, which is swollen. No cancer or anything like that, just aging. Anyway, he told me to ejaculate as often as I could, that it helps with the swelling.
Well, you know me, I ask him for a prescription for a three times weekly visit with a hooker so the insurance would pay for it, and that he should provide a nurse for immediate medication.
He just placed his hand on my shoulder and said that if that worked that easily he would have use up all his Rx pads on himself. It’s a shame, too. He has some awesome looking nurses and one bodacious PA.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
I Lost A Girlfriend Today
An old girlfriend died today. I never dated her or anything like that. Never saw her outside of work. I just worked with her back in the early 80’s and she was one of my favorite people ever. Her name was Betty and she was the stereotypical country and western barfly woman. But she rarely went to the bars, at least when I knew her.
She was ten years older than me and had a 20 year old retarded son that she doted over. When she did get out, though, she was a pistol ball. She always wore tight fitting jeans or a mini skirt, a feminine western type shirt or t-shirt and her boots. Betty also had big hair, teased and sprayed with 15 pounds of hairspray. Her voice was the deep, raspy voice of someone who smoked most of her life and she would end her laughs with a deep wet cough. She cussed like a sailor and would leave us in tears with her stories.
The men in the bars loved her, too. Not in the way you would think – though she would indulge herself every now and then. They just loved her one liner’s. She would tell us about them during break at work and laugh and cough her ass off. I have shamelessly use some of her sayings myself, or told others to use them.
A couple I remember her telling was: “Some dude would come up to me and say, ‘Betty, I sure would like to have a little pussy.’ And she would tell him, “Me, too. I’m about to swallow this barstool.” Or one would tell her, “I sure would like to get laid tonight.” She would tell him, “Well, crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.” She informed us that you could tell when she was wearing panties under her mini skirt. If she wasn’t, then when she set down on the barstool she would go straight to the floor.
I wish I had been able to know her better and longer, but I was injured on the job and finally left the company and lost track of her. I saw an old friend at the Waffle House today, and he told me about Betty. God, I loved that woman. They don’t make many liker her.
Along the same lines, my brother e-mailed this to me today. I don’t think he understood it though, since he is as queer as a football bat. But he is cool and the funniest one in the family, too.
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezes. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"
She was ten years older than me and had a 20 year old retarded son that she doted over. When she did get out, though, she was a pistol ball. She always wore tight fitting jeans or a mini skirt, a feminine western type shirt or t-shirt and her boots. Betty also had big hair, teased and sprayed with 15 pounds of hairspray. Her voice was the deep, raspy voice of someone who smoked most of her life and she would end her laughs with a deep wet cough. She cussed like a sailor and would leave us in tears with her stories.
The men in the bars loved her, too. Not in the way you would think – though she would indulge herself every now and then. They just loved her one liner’s. She would tell us about them during break at work and laugh and cough her ass off. I have shamelessly use some of her sayings myself, or told others to use them.
A couple I remember her telling was: “Some dude would come up to me and say, ‘Betty, I sure would like to have a little pussy.’ And she would tell him, “Me, too. I’m about to swallow this barstool.” Or one would tell her, “I sure would like to get laid tonight.” She would tell him, “Well, crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.” She informed us that you could tell when she was wearing panties under her mini skirt. If she wasn’t, then when she set down on the barstool she would go straight to the floor.
I wish I had been able to know her better and longer, but I was injured on the job and finally left the company and lost track of her. I saw an old friend at the Waffle House today, and he told me about Betty. God, I loved that woman. They don’t make many liker her.
Along the same lines, my brother e-mailed this to me today. I don’t think he understood it though, since he is as queer as a football bat. But he is cool and the funniest one in the family, too.
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezes. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"
I've Been Busy
Boy, it’s been a long few days. I left for New York on Thursday night around 10:00 p.m. and drove all night arriving at the first location around 12:30 p.m. on Friday. Unloaded most of the dogs and then drove the thirty minuets to the other location. I was back on the road around 2:30 and drove until 8:00 p.m. I had to stop in Hagerstown, MD, at the Motel 6 and slept till 5:00 a.m. on Saturday before heading out again. I mad it back home about 5:00 p.m. on Saturday. I could have been back by 4:00 but I had to waist about an hour in Charlotte while one of there State Patrolmen gave me a speeding ticket for doing 80 mph in a 60 mph zone.
When an eight lane highway has a two or three mile strip posted at 60 mph then moves back up to 65 mph, it is not a safety issue – it’s a revenue generating issue. But it is the cost of doing business. I’ll pay the fine.
Then I got a call on the cell phone from my real-estate agent telling me we have a contract on our house. We are scheduled for closing on or about July 1st. We are now looking to northeast Georgia area for a few archers that will accommodate three houses. We want a small two or three bedroom house with a front porch. Right now we have a house with four bedrooms and three full baths on the second floor and an apartment complete with kitchen, living room and bed room for living pulse an office, some storage and a game room in the daylight basement with its own entrance. Steven and Laura live down there. Way too much for Sweet Tea and me, though. We are so looking forward to having a much smaller home.
But I may be off-line for a while until we can get moved and either cable set up or DSL. Does Direct TV have computer connections? I’ll have to find out about that.
Anyway, on Sunday, Sweet Tea, my step-son, Steven and his wife, Laura, drove the two hours out to Dr. Amber’s place and finished her kennels by adding two foot walls and four foot chain link fencing in the four different cages. This gives her eight concrete cages for the puppies and dogs. It was sprinkling rain and about 50 degrees the whole day, but it was fun and we did laugh a lot. The cages are even baptized in blood in a few places. But we had no trouble going to sleep on Sunday night.
Yesterday we spent the morning getting Sweet Tea packed and delivered to the Atlanta airport. She is off again to New Jersey for three weeks. So I slept in this morning and got up around 8:30. I’ve been blogging ever since. I do owe Tookie Tail and my niece, Beth, a meme, but I have to be in the mood to do those things and I AM NOT right now. Give me a few days and I’ll post them.
In the mean time, I have to start doing some packing and sorting. And looking at property!
I’ll leave you with this little dittie:
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. However after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
When an eight lane highway has a two or three mile strip posted at 60 mph then moves back up to 65 mph, it is not a safety issue – it’s a revenue generating issue. But it is the cost of doing business. I’ll pay the fine.
Then I got a call on the cell phone from my real-estate agent telling me we have a contract on our house. We are scheduled for closing on or about July 1st. We are now looking to northeast Georgia area for a few archers that will accommodate three houses. We want a small two or three bedroom house with a front porch. Right now we have a house with four bedrooms and three full baths on the second floor and an apartment complete with kitchen, living room and bed room for living pulse an office, some storage and a game room in the daylight basement with its own entrance. Steven and Laura live down there. Way too much for Sweet Tea and me, though. We are so looking forward to having a much smaller home.
But I may be off-line for a while until we can get moved and either cable set up or DSL. Does Direct TV have computer connections? I’ll have to find out about that.
Anyway, on Sunday, Sweet Tea, my step-son, Steven and his wife, Laura, drove the two hours out to Dr. Amber’s place and finished her kennels by adding two foot walls and four foot chain link fencing in the four different cages. This gives her eight concrete cages for the puppies and dogs. It was sprinkling rain and about 50 degrees the whole day, but it was fun and we did laugh a lot. The cages are even baptized in blood in a few places. But we had no trouble going to sleep on Sunday night.
Yesterday we spent the morning getting Sweet Tea packed and delivered to the Atlanta airport. She is off again to New Jersey for three weeks. So I slept in this morning and got up around 8:30. I’ve been blogging ever since. I do owe Tookie Tail and my niece, Beth, a meme, but I have to be in the mood to do those things and I AM NOT right now. Give me a few days and I’ll post them.
In the mean time, I have to start doing some packing and sorting. And looking at property!
I’ll leave you with this little dittie:
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. However after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Kittens For Fun - Puppies For Delivery
Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to them. Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a motorcycle policeman in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. 'Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?' he asked.
'Kittens' Little Suzy says. 'They're so small; their eyes are not even open yet.'
'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked.
'DEMOCRATS' says Little Suzy.
The tall man chuckled, returned to his car and they drove away. Sensing a good photo opportunity, Barack Hussein Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.
The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens and the 'FREE KITTENS' sign. The big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.
Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Barack Hussein Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy. 'Now, don't be frightened,' he said, 'I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'
'Yes sir,' Suzy said, 'They are all 'REPUBLICAN' kittens.'
Taken by surprise, Obama said, 'But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS.'
Little Suzy says, 'Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.'
Soooo, I haven’t been on-line all day because I am preparing to take a load of Republican puppies and a few older dogs to New York (Niskayuna and Menands with a total of 12 puppies and 9 adult Republicans.) So I won’t be around until Saturday night. Y’all have fun and I’ll see ya later.
'Kittens' Little Suzy says. 'They're so small; their eyes are not even open yet.'
'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked.
'DEMOCRATS' says Little Suzy.
The tall man chuckled, returned to his car and they drove away. Sensing a good photo opportunity, Barack Hussein Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.
The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens and the 'FREE KITTENS' sign. The big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.
Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Barack Hussein Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy. 'Now, don't be frightened,' he said, 'I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'
'Yes sir,' Suzy said, 'They are all 'REPUBLICAN' kittens.'
Taken by surprise, Obama said, 'But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS.'
Little Suzy says, 'Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.'
Soooo, I haven’t been on-line all day because I am preparing to take a load of Republican puppies and a few older dogs to New York (Niskayuna and Menands with a total of 12 puppies and 9 adult Republicans.) So I won’t be around until Saturday night. Y’all have fun and I’ll see ya later.
Thursday Humor
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the
men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me, she told him."
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."
Or
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
A: 10 little piggies; 2 calves; 1 ass; and an unknown number of hares.
Okay! So it's not the best stuff you have ever read, but it's better than reading the news.
men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me, she told him."
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."
Or
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
A: 10 little piggies; 2 calves; 1 ass; and an unknown number of hares.
Okay! So it's not the best stuff you have ever read, but it's better than reading the news.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
COFFEYPOT's School Days
Before I get into a few tails of me in school I thought you might enjoy these two pictures.
It is important to stay in shape. Try this exercise. Sadly, Sweet Tea can only use one hand with me.
Never let it be said that a Red Neck cannot think fast and improvise. Check out this Tank Top!
Now, for a few stories from my schoold days.
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON MATH (Part 1)
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Coffeypot.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Coffeypot says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice-cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Coffeypot replied, "The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking."
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON MATH (Part 2)
Little Coffeypot returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?'
“I said ‘6’”, replies Coffeypot.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me how much is 3 x 2?"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON ENGLISH
Little Coffeypot goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Coffeypot says "Mas-tur-bate!"
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Coffeypot, that's a mouthful."
Little Coffeypot says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON GRAMMAR (Part 1)
Little Coffeypot was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, Coffeypot, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Coffeypot, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Coffeypot........
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON GETTING OLDER
Little Coffeypot was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Coffeypot replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Coffeypot answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.”
Does this help you to understand me a little more?
It is important to stay in shape. Try this exercise. Sadly, Sweet Tea can only use one hand with me.
Never let it be said that a Red Neck cannot think fast and improvise. Check out this Tank Top!
Now, for a few stories from my schoold days.
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON MATH (Part 1)
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Coffeypot.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Coffeypot says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice-cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Coffeypot replied, "The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking."
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON MATH (Part 2)
Little Coffeypot returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?'
“I said ‘6’”, replies Coffeypot.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me how much is 3 x 2?"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON ENGLISH
Little Coffeypot goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Coffeypot says "Mas-tur-bate!"
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Coffeypot, that's a mouthful."
Little Coffeypot says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON GRAMMAR (Part 1)
Little Coffeypot was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, Coffeypot, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Coffeypot, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Coffeypot........
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON GETTING OLDER
Little Coffeypot was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Coffeypot replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Coffeypot answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.”
Does this help you to understand me a little more?
Monday, March 24, 2008
To Help Your Tuesday Go A Little Easier
Cheeseburger Anyone?
A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which Reads: - CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 - CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 - HAND JOB: $10.00.
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'
'I was wondering, sugar,’ whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am'
The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.”
*******
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.”
*******
The sharing of marriage...
An old man and his wife went into a hamburger joint. The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "THE TEETH.”
A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which Reads: - CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 - CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 - HAND JOB: $10.00.
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'
'I was wondering, sugar,’ whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am'
The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.”
*******
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.”
*******
The sharing of marriage...
An old man and his wife went into a hamburger joint. The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "THE TEETH.”
Sunday, March 23, 2008
No More Bra's
In my column below titled ‘OLD’, Pamela (from The Dust Will Wait) ask if she went without a bra would it pull the wrinkles out of her face (not that a sweet face like her's would ever need adjusting)? The proof is below, folks. I know its springtime and all the girls start showing their bellybuttons - but look how smooth her face is, too. It works, folks. No Bra, No Wrinkles!
Saturday, March 22, 2008
HAPPY KEESTER
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE
I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY
Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Good things come in small sugarcoated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Adoption and Sexual Harassment
Below are a couple of tidbits that Casual Slack gave me… uh, loaned me… okay, I stole the damn things but they were too funny not too.
This one is about adoption by a trendy, not to bright couple:
This one is a serious documentary concerning Sexual Harassment in the Work Place.
Now you know why I couldn't resist passing these along. Jen, at Casual Slack and The Fee Feasible Prophecies. I encourage each of you to go these two sites and enjoy her stuff.
This one is about adoption by a trendy, not to bright couple:
This one is a serious documentary concerning Sexual Harassment in the Work Place.
Now you know why I couldn't resist passing these along. Jen, at Casual Slack and The Fee Feasible Prophecies. I encourage each of you to go these two sites and enjoy her stuff.
Romantic Valentines Ballad
This is a touching ballad that brought tears to my eyes.
If you don't have tears in your eyes after watching this, you are a hard hearted soul.
If you don't have tears in your eyes after watching this, you are a hard hearted soul.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
OLD
'OLD' is when your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' is when A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' is when going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' is when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' is when 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' is when 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' is when an 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' is when you are not sure these are jokes?
**********
PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT---SENIOR STYLE
An elderly couple were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 2 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays
'OLD' is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' is when A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' is when going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' is when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' is when 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' is when 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' is when an 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' is when you are not sure these are jokes?
**********
PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT---SENIOR STYLE
An elderly couple were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 2 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
A Special Easter This Year
Easter this year is a little more special than usual. Easter is always on the 1st Sunday after the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 20). This dating of Easter is based on the lunar calendar that the Hebrew people used to identify Passover, which is why it moves around on our Roman calendar.
I found out a couple of things that you might find interesting. Based on the above, Easter can actually be one day earlier (March 22) but that is pretty rare.
Here's the interesting information. This year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives. And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above.) And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier. Here are the facts:
1) The next time Easter will be this early (March 23) will be the year 2228 - 220 years from now. The last time it was this early was 1913 (so if you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that.)
2) The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 - 277 years from now. The last time it was on March 22 was 1818. So, no one alive today has or ever will see it any earlier than this year!
3). Just hope that you are still around next week, or you will miss the event of your lifetime. I am skipping this one, I sticking around for the one on March 22 in the year 2285.
I found out a couple of things that you might find interesting. Based on the above, Easter can actually be one day earlier (March 22) but that is pretty rare.
Here's the interesting information. This year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives. And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above.) And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier. Here are the facts:
1) The next time Easter will be this early (March 23) will be the year 2228 - 220 years from now. The last time it was this early was 1913 (so if you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that.)
2) The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 - 277 years from now. The last time it was on March 22 was 1818. So, no one alive today has or ever will see it any earlier than this year!
3). Just hope that you are still around next week, or you will miss the event of your lifetime. I am skipping this one, I sticking around for the one on March 22 in the year 2285.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Another MeMe But Not By MeMe
My friend and talented artist, Mary Stibbins Taitt over at No Polar Coordinates, challenged me to a meme. The idea is to list seven unique things about yourself that most people do not know. I did this a while back, so I thought I would live on the edge and do something a little different. I asked Sweet Tea to do it for me.
She has been instructed to write whatever she feels like saying and to be as honest as possible. I showed her how to post this, and I have left her alone. I will not influence her one bit; and as soon as she is finished I will give her back the key to the liquor cabinet.
So, without further ado, I give you Sweet Tea:
1. Love of history -- Due to his acute love for history John is very worldly and knowledgeable.
2. Sense of humor – John has the greatest sense of humor of anyone I know. He finds laughter in everything and can always come up with a quick response.
3. Sensitivity -- John will never admit this to anyone, but he is very sensitive and caring. He puts up with all my quirks and faults and still cares tremendously about my thoughts and wishes.
4. Flexibility – John is quite capable of adjusting to changes within our lives. This is a very valuable unique quality.
5. Humility – John doesn’t not accept or know of his own worth. Although this is not always a good quality, it is unique in the world today. Sometimes I wish he could see his attributes more clearly.
6. Realistic – John doesn’t see through “Rose colored glasses” as I do. He compliments me in his ability to see things realistically.
7. “Gutter month” -- John has the ability to constantly add bad language to every sentence. Although this is annoying at times, he has the ability to do this without the uneducated stigmatism that is usually associated with bad word usage.
She has been instructed to write whatever she feels like saying and to be as honest as possible. I showed her how to post this, and I have left her alone. I will not influence her one bit; and as soon as she is finished I will give her back the key to the liquor cabinet.
So, without further ado, I give you Sweet Tea:
1. Love of history -- Due to his acute love for history John is very worldly and knowledgeable.
2. Sense of humor – John has the greatest sense of humor of anyone I know. He finds laughter in everything and can always come up with a quick response.
3. Sensitivity -- John will never admit this to anyone, but he is very sensitive and caring. He puts up with all my quirks and faults and still cares tremendously about my thoughts and wishes.
4. Flexibility – John is quite capable of adjusting to changes within our lives. This is a very valuable unique quality.
5. Humility – John doesn’t not accept or know of his own worth. Although this is not always a good quality, it is unique in the world today. Sometimes I wish he could see his attributes more clearly.
6. Realistic – John doesn’t see through “Rose colored glasses” as I do. He compliments me in his ability to see things realistically.
7. “Gutter month” -- John has the ability to constantly add bad language to every sentence. Although this is annoying at times, he has the ability to do this without the uneducated stigmatism that is usually associated with bad word usage.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Irish Blessing to You
Monday is St. Patrick’s Day. Wearing of the green, green beer, shamrocks and Celtic music will dominate the day. For us in America it’s a fun day. But it also it can be a time for reflection and wishes, especially those of us with Irish heritage. Mine started in 1804 with the landing of Edwin Bowman, who was my Great to the umpteen Grandfather on my mother’s side. She was Ola Lois Bowman. My sir name is also Irish, but my father was adopted. His birth name was either Zimmerman or Shell, depending on which story the family gives. So I am within my right to pass on an Irish Blessing to you folks, which is presented below. Enjoy!
Also, I cannot let the time go by without telling you another touching Irish story.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ya not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ya call? Can ye not understand what ya put yar pur old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute..."
"Ya what!!? Out with ya, ya shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ya wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother this gold Rolex and for ya daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath)....and an invitation for ya all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera and..."
"Now what was it ya said ya had becum?" says dad.
The girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad…. sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus, Mary and Joseph! -- Ya scared me half to death, girl! I thought ya said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give yar old man a hug!"
Also, I cannot let the time go by without telling you another touching Irish story.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ya not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ya call? Can ye not understand what ya put yar pur old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute..."
"Ya what!!? Out with ya, ya shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ya wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother this gold Rolex and for ya daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath)....and an invitation for ya all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera and..."
"Now what was it ya said ya had becum?" says dad.
The girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad…. sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus, Mary and Joseph! -- Ya scared me half to death, girl! I thought ya said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give yar old man a hug!"
Friday, March 14, 2008
The New Guy In Prison
I love this commercial.
Now you know why he is there in the first place - stupidity.
Now you know why he is there in the first place - stupidity.
Weather Warning
When you walk out the door in the morning and see this in the sky:
Just go back in the house, pour another cup of coffee, and stay there, maybe crawl under the bed.
It probably isn't going to be a good day.
Just go back in the house, pour another cup of coffee, and stay there, maybe crawl under the bed.
It probably isn't going to be a good day.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Twins At Play
You know how twins like to play with each other and do things even after childhood? This is a video of E. Craig and Brother Dave playing together sometime after they got out of the Navy - but before Booze, Broads and Bread got in their way.
Cute, arent' they?
Actually, its titled "Strength In Poland" on YouTube.
Cute, arent' they?
Actually, its titled "Strength In Poland" on YouTube.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Boobs or Nuts
The Democratic Party has a crisis of monumental proportions:
They don't know whether to vote for the "Nut" with two Boobs,
or the "Boob" with two Nuts.
They don't know whether to vote for the "Nut" with two Boobs,
or the "Boob" with two Nuts.
What If...
Sometimes I really get pissed when I think about my childhood. From my seat here at the computer I can see out through the neighborhood and I have been watching the school buses dropping off the heathens. Just about all of them are met by their moms and the occasional dad, with smiles, hugs and kisses. I had to walk about a mile to my house from the grammar school and my mom would greet me with, “Do your homework and did you get in trouble today?” Love you, too, mom. Thanks for making me feel special.
Okay, my mom was 39 when I was born, ten years after her last live child. There was a girl born dead that would have been six years older, but she don’t count. So my parents had two boys and a girl that they got to enjoy. But when I came along everyone was too tired to go anywhere or do anything, unless one of my dad’s lodge buddies call for a ride or something. Then the energy was there. My dad never played ball with me. We never went on vacation or celebrated birthdays, other than have your favorite desert after supper. Mom and dad never owned a car until I went into the Navy. My older bros and sis had cars and they took mom to the store. Other wise, we walked or too the bus.
One time we went to a place call Cheatham’s Hill, a Civil War Battle sit at the foot of Kennesaw Mountain for the one and only picnic the family ever had. It lasted just long enough to eat. Dad complained the whole time and baby brother, Stephen, cried. Admittedly it was hot, but walking around and enjoying the shade of the trees and stuff was beyond them.
They never went to PTA meetings, watched me play sports (for this I can’t blame them because I wasn’t very good,) or got involved with any church projects that involved the youth. I remember one RA (Royal Ambassadors), a Baptist church thing, function was a Father and Son dinner, but I didn’t go because my dad was too tired. But Mr. Pritchett called and ask dad to walk down to the church and drive them home because he had sprained his ankle playing a game with his son. He did. And I couldn’t go with him because it was too late and I needed to go to bed.
When my baby brother, Stephen, was born he was sickly with jaundice. That, and the fact that he was mom’s last chance, made him special. He was doted on and I had to give him anything I was playing with and he wanted. No negotiations or fairness.
Yes, they were both in their 40’s when Stephen and I were coming up, but fuck that. I’m 63 years old and I spend the summers on the lake with the grandkids, taking them on curses, I set in the freezing wind or insufferable heat to watch them play soccer. I can find the time to be there. Why didn’t they think I was worth the trouble?
Since then I’ve always wondered why anyone takes any time with or for me. That’s also why I never let anyone get too close. I’ll either disappoint them or I will get too close to them and they will disappoint me. Even Sweet Tea! I have never understood why she chose me, but I am very glad she did. And when the grandkids climb into my lap or give me a random hug or kiss, I lap it up like a hound dog lapping water after a day of serious hunting.
I just can’t help but wonder what I would be like now if I had been greeted with a hug and a kiss. If I had ever had an encourage word. Yes, I did have plenty to eat, and clothes to get me through each growth spurt and climate change, but to see a welcome smile…
Okay, my mom was 39 when I was born, ten years after her last live child. There was a girl born dead that would have been six years older, but she don’t count. So my parents had two boys and a girl that they got to enjoy. But when I came along everyone was too tired to go anywhere or do anything, unless one of my dad’s lodge buddies call for a ride or something. Then the energy was there. My dad never played ball with me. We never went on vacation or celebrated birthdays, other than have your favorite desert after supper. Mom and dad never owned a car until I went into the Navy. My older bros and sis had cars and they took mom to the store. Other wise, we walked or too the bus.
One time we went to a place call Cheatham’s Hill, a Civil War Battle sit at the foot of Kennesaw Mountain for the one and only picnic the family ever had. It lasted just long enough to eat. Dad complained the whole time and baby brother, Stephen, cried. Admittedly it was hot, but walking around and enjoying the shade of the trees and stuff was beyond them.
They never went to PTA meetings, watched me play sports (for this I can’t blame them because I wasn’t very good,) or got involved with any church projects that involved the youth. I remember one RA (Royal Ambassadors), a Baptist church thing, function was a Father and Son dinner, but I didn’t go because my dad was too tired. But Mr. Pritchett called and ask dad to walk down to the church and drive them home because he had sprained his ankle playing a game with his son. He did. And I couldn’t go with him because it was too late and I needed to go to bed.
When my baby brother, Stephen, was born he was sickly with jaundice. That, and the fact that he was mom’s last chance, made him special. He was doted on and I had to give him anything I was playing with and he wanted. No negotiations or fairness.
Yes, they were both in their 40’s when Stephen and I were coming up, but fuck that. I’m 63 years old and I spend the summers on the lake with the grandkids, taking them on curses, I set in the freezing wind or insufferable heat to watch them play soccer. I can find the time to be there. Why didn’t they think I was worth the trouble?
Since then I’ve always wondered why anyone takes any time with or for me. That’s also why I never let anyone get too close. I’ll either disappoint them or I will get too close to them and they will disappoint me. Even Sweet Tea! I have never understood why she chose me, but I am very glad she did. And when the grandkids climb into my lap or give me a random hug or kiss, I lap it up like a hound dog lapping water after a day of serious hunting.
I just can’t help but wonder what I would be like now if I had been greeted with a hug and a kiss. If I had ever had an encourage word. Yes, I did have plenty to eat, and clothes to get me through each growth spurt and climate change, but to see a welcome smile…
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Man's Best Friend Won't Do It
The look on that hounds face is priceless. Evidently there are some things that even man's best friend will not do.
Friday, March 07, 2008
Little Mama
I just watched a video on MSN.com about a woman who is 28 inches tall and gave birth to a baby. Isn't that like a snake shedding its skin?
DRAGON COSTUME
This is NOT my kid, although I do like his style.
But, you know, the same thing happens to me when I wear my speedo.
But, you know, the same thing happens to me when I wear my speedo.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Disorder In The Court
My gifted friend, Mary Stibbins Taitt, sent this list to me a week or so ago and this is the first time I've had to pass them on. These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the tim e?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
I feel much better about myself, now. Though I can see myself giving most of these answers to someone, I would be doing it for the humor. These are from the heart and brain.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the tim e?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
I feel much better about myself, now. Though I can see myself giving most of these answers to someone, I would be doing it for the humor. These are from the heart and brain.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Westfalls Championship Run
This was sent to me in an e-mail and I thought it was very inspirational. So I am sending it on to you people. Enjoy!
COFFEYPOT'S THOUGHTS ON WORK
If you can’t get the work done in 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few feet from a kick on the ass.
You can’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced you can’t be promoted.
It doesn’t matter what you do. It only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a lift home.
The Boss is always right. But BOSS spelled backwards is double SOB.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there’d be so many.
Keep your boss’s boss of your bosses’ back.
Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous.’
Never delay the end of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human – to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provide it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
If you are good, you’ll be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you’ll get out of it.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.
Success is a matter of luck; just ask any failure.
All vacations and holidays present problems, except for your own.
Once a job is fucked up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
An ‘acceptable’ level of unemployment means the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
Following the rules won’t get the job done.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
If it wasn’t for the last minuet, nothing would get done.
People don’t make the same mistake twice; they make it three, four or five times.
Teamwork means NEVER having to take all the blame yourself.
A pat on the back is only a few feet from a kick on the ass.
You can’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced you can’t be promoted.
It doesn’t matter what you do. It only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a lift home.
The Boss is always right. But BOSS spelled backwards is double SOB.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there’d be so many.
Keep your boss’s boss of your bosses’ back.
Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous.’
Never delay the end of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human – to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provide it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
If you are good, you’ll be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you’ll get out of it.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.
Success is a matter of luck; just ask any failure.
All vacations and holidays present problems, except for your own.
Once a job is fucked up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
An ‘acceptable’ level of unemployment means the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
Following the rules won’t get the job done.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
If it wasn’t for the last minuet, nothing would get done.
People don’t make the same mistake twice; they make it three, four or five times.
Teamwork means NEVER having to take all the blame yourself.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
CHILDREN
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON’T!"
"Don’t what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve… we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was pissed.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON’T!"
"Don’t what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve… we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was pissed.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
I've Learned A Lot
I'm on the road again taking 30 puppies and 4 aduld dogs to Lindenwold and Pompton Lakes, NJ. I hope the snow has melted before I get there. I'll be back to you folks Saturday night.
Also, you don't live sixty-three years and not learn something about life. And I have learned plenty, but I can't remember what most of it is. So when a friend of mine emailed this to me, I thought you might fined something you agree with, or have learned and didn't know it, or you forgot and this refreshes your memory. Anyway, enjoy:
I’ve Learned A Lot
by
Jeanette Lawrence
I’ve learned…… that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
that you should never say no to a gift from a child.
that I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in some other way.
that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
that we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.
that it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
that under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
that the Lord didn’t do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
that you can make someone’s day by simply sending them a little note.
that you can tell a lot about a man by how he handles these things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.
that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’ve gone from your life.
that making a ‘living’ is not the same as making a ‘life.’
that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People need and love human touches – holding hands, a warm hug or just a friendly pat on the back.
that I still have a lot to learn.
that sometimes people just need a little something to make them smile and to let them know that you are thinking about them.
Also, I made the offer on the post before last to show you my cods (that’s balls to those of you who don't know what cods are.) So after no responses came pouring in, I decided to show you anyways.
CIRCA 1948
Also, you don't live sixty-three years and not learn something about life. And I have learned plenty, but I can't remember what most of it is. So when a friend of mine emailed this to me, I thought you might fined something you agree with, or have learned and didn't know it, or you forgot and this refreshes your memory. Anyway, enjoy:
I’ve Learned A Lot
by
Jeanette Lawrence
I’ve learned…… that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
that you should never say no to a gift from a child.
that I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in some other way.
that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
that we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.
that it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
that under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
that the Lord didn’t do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
that you can make someone’s day by simply sending them a little note.
that you can tell a lot about a man by how he handles these things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.
that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’ve gone from your life.
that making a ‘living’ is not the same as making a ‘life.’
that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People need and love human touches – holding hands, a warm hug or just a friendly pat on the back.
that I still have a lot to learn.
that sometimes people just need a little something to make them smile and to let them know that you are thinking about them.
Also, I made the offer on the post before last to show you my cods (that’s balls to those of you who don't know what cods are.) So after no responses came pouring in, I decided to show you anyways.
CIRCA 1948
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Brother Dave at Work
Brother Dave and I have been swapping emails lately and he sent me a picture of him at work. I though you might like to see what he looks like at his daily grind.
Does the word RETIREMENT mean anything to you, BD?
Does the word RETIREMENT mean anything to you, BD?
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
DAY AT THE PARK
I have a few pictures I wanted to show you but PISCA will only let me show four pictures at a time. Do any of you know how I can get around this? Not to technical, now. I'm still computer illiterate - even though my mom and dad were married at the time of my birth.
This is me and J-Man starting a ride that takes you over an alligator pit.
This is Sweet Tea, J-Man and Bug waiting to get on the same ride.
We were walking through the zoo and I saw this black and white monkey and thought I would take a picture. People were laughing, but I wasn't paying attention since people laugh all the time at amusement/zoo parks. It wasn't until I got home that I noticed the monkey had a woodie of his own. Sweet Tea was laughing at me asking didn't I see it before. She though I took the picture because of the woodie.
I guess he got tired of people laughing at him so he turned his back. But his arm and back kept jerking. I mean, a man needs his privacy sometimes.
If y'all are interested, I'll show you my cods later on, too.
This is me and J-Man starting a ride that takes you over an alligator pit.
This is Sweet Tea, J-Man and Bug waiting to get on the same ride.
We were walking through the zoo and I saw this black and white monkey and thought I would take a picture. People were laughing, but I wasn't paying attention since people laugh all the time at amusement/zoo parks. It wasn't until I got home that I noticed the monkey had a woodie of his own. Sweet Tea was laughing at me asking didn't I see it before. She though I took the picture because of the woodie.
I guess he got tired of people laughing at him so he turned his back. But his arm and back kept jerking. I mean, a man needs his privacy sometimes.
If y'all are interested, I'll show you my cods later on, too.
Monday, February 25, 2008
It Just Wasn't In The Stars
We didn’t’ make it to the Manatee universe and the ball game. It just wasn’t in the stars. It started with me picking up the kiddies after school. The plan: pick up Bug when she got out at 3:00 and drive over to J-Man’s middle school to sign him out of band class early. No problem. I kill time around the house until 1:30, when I go to the Waffle House for a bit to eat before I go get the kiddies. After I place my order, Marni calls and tells me I have to be in line by 2:15 to pick up Bug and still have time to get to J-Man’s school before he has to get on the bus. This means I have to go by Marni’s house first to get the window decal for student pickup. SHIT!
I am driving 80 mph to get from my hometown to hers while eating a chicken sandwich. I get to I-75 and I-285 where it gets a little tricky if you don’t know what you are doing. To go right, you must be in the left lane and to go left you must be in the right lane. I was too busy getting my next bit of chicken sandwich and went the wrong way. The way logic would tell you to go. So I had to get off at the next exit, turn around and go the way I needed to go. This involved a right turn at the end of the ramp and three left turns to get back on I-285. But I mad it to Marni’s town at 2:05. I called Carl, who was going to get Bug and told him I would meet him in town to get the pickup card. He told me to go ahead and get J-Man and he would get Bug. Finally, we all met up back at Marni’s house and got on the road to meet Sweet Tea (Me Maw) at the airport.
Sweet Tea was returning from a week in France. That country is six hours ahead of us, and I had to call her at 10:30 EST to wake her up at 4:30 France time. She had to fly from Salzburg, France to Paris with a three hour layover. Then a ten and a half hour flight to Atlanta. She was to arrive at 3:30, but touched down at 4:00. Two hours later she finally got though customs, and another hour before we were able to pick up her luggage. There were many pissed off travelers that night. Anyway, we finally got on the road for Florida around 7:30 p.m. We drove down to Perry, GA, a little over a hundred miles and stopped for supper. We then drove down to Unadilla before Sweet Tea was just about dead. She hadn’t slept in 24 hours, plus the strain and stress of air travel. We got a motel room and tried to sleep on the most fucked up bed I have ever slept in.
The next morning it was drizzling rain and we had a flat tire. Sweet Tea asked if I was going to change it. Silly woman! I told her when Death Valley turned yellow and green from wheat and corn I would change that tire. I told her we have been paying an exorbitant extra $6 a year for roadside coverage and this was the perfect time to reap on that investment.
While we were waiting on the service truck to arrive, I was standing in the doorway of the Motel drinking a cup of coffee. I told ST that it just wasn’t meant for us to go to Florida. She agreed. It seems that she forgot to tell me that when there is heave rains, the park is closed to everyone but the guest because the rivers and lakes tend to flood and stuff. That area had sever thunder showers all day on Friday and that night. So we talked to the kiddies and we decided to go to Valdosta to a park called Wild Adventure.
It was a ball. One of the best decisions we’ve made in many a year. The rain stopped about an hour before we got to the park. On Saturday the park was ours, along with about 300 other people. The good thing was that it was two days for the price of one. So we went back on Sunday and shared it with about a thousand others. We didn’t have to wait on any rides, there is a zoo with kangaroos, emus, wallabies, elephants, bears, birds, monkeys (I have a picture of a monkey masturbating and didn’t know it until I got back home. I’ll post it later) ‘gators and snakes. We got to pet two wolf cubs, several snakes and birds, a pigmy fox and a cockatiel.
It wasn’t in the stars for us to go to Florida, and I believe in the stars. They were right this time. We’ll catch the Manatees next time.
I am driving 80 mph to get from my hometown to hers while eating a chicken sandwich. I get to I-75 and I-285 where it gets a little tricky if you don’t know what you are doing. To go right, you must be in the left lane and to go left you must be in the right lane. I was too busy getting my next bit of chicken sandwich and went the wrong way. The way logic would tell you to go. So I had to get off at the next exit, turn around and go the way I needed to go. This involved a right turn at the end of the ramp and three left turns to get back on I-285. But I mad it to Marni’s town at 2:05. I called Carl, who was going to get Bug and told him I would meet him in town to get the pickup card. He told me to go ahead and get J-Man and he would get Bug. Finally, we all met up back at Marni’s house and got on the road to meet Sweet Tea (Me Maw) at the airport.
Sweet Tea was returning from a week in France. That country is six hours ahead of us, and I had to call her at 10:30 EST to wake her up at 4:30 France time. She had to fly from Salzburg, France to Paris with a three hour layover. Then a ten and a half hour flight to Atlanta. She was to arrive at 3:30, but touched down at 4:00. Two hours later she finally got though customs, and another hour before we were able to pick up her luggage. There were many pissed off travelers that night. Anyway, we finally got on the road for Florida around 7:30 p.m. We drove down to Perry, GA, a little over a hundred miles and stopped for supper. We then drove down to Unadilla before Sweet Tea was just about dead. She hadn’t slept in 24 hours, plus the strain and stress of air travel. We got a motel room and tried to sleep on the most fucked up bed I have ever slept in.
The next morning it was drizzling rain and we had a flat tire. Sweet Tea asked if I was going to change it. Silly woman! I told her when Death Valley turned yellow and green from wheat and corn I would change that tire. I told her we have been paying an exorbitant extra $6 a year for roadside coverage and this was the perfect time to reap on that investment.
While we were waiting on the service truck to arrive, I was standing in the doorway of the Motel drinking a cup of coffee. I told ST that it just wasn’t meant for us to go to Florida. She agreed. It seems that she forgot to tell me that when there is heave rains, the park is closed to everyone but the guest because the rivers and lakes tend to flood and stuff. That area had sever thunder showers all day on Friday and that night. So we talked to the kiddies and we decided to go to Valdosta to a park called Wild Adventure.
It was a ball. One of the best decisions we’ve made in many a year. The rain stopped about an hour before we got to the park. On Saturday the park was ours, along with about 300 other people. The good thing was that it was two days for the price of one. So we went back on Sunday and shared it with about a thousand others. We didn’t have to wait on any rides, there is a zoo with kangaroos, emus, wallabies, elephants, bears, birds, monkeys (I have a picture of a monkey masturbating and didn’t know it until I got back home. I’ll post it later) ‘gators and snakes. We got to pet two wolf cubs, several snakes and birds, a pigmy fox and a cockatiel.
It wasn’t in the stars for us to go to Florida, and I believe in the stars. They were right this time. We’ll catch the Manatees next time.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Off To See The Manatees
I’m off to see the wizard again. I will be picking up the grandkids from school today and taking them to the airport to meet Sweet Tea coming in from France. Then we will leave there and head south to Fanning Springs, Florida.
F.S. is a Florida State Park that has some warm springs and is the winter home of the Manatees. I think that is a Southern League AA Baseball team or something. Anyways, there are hot springs there for swimming and nature trails to walk and, I hope, a good baseball game. I am told that you can swim with the Manatees, but I won’t impose and ask for their autographs or anything. I will try to get a few pictures, though. We’ll see!
We’ll be back home Sunday evening. Then I’m off again, on Thursday, to NJ to deliver thirty something puppies to the shelter up there. This will become a monthly or bi-monthly excursion for me. I don’t mind, but I wish I could go to a few different places. I love to see new stuff.
Don’t you think there are some people in Hawaii who would like to have a new spaded or neutered dog or puppy with a microchip that barks with a southern accent? I think there would be. But, NNOOOOO! Dr. Amber says it’s too far to drive. Doctors!!??! They think they are so smart and know everything.
Anyway, the bottom line is that I won’t be online much this week. Wait! What’s that yelling and whistling and clapping I hear? Maybe I need to go lay down for awhile. I’ll check with y’all later.
F.S. is a Florida State Park that has some warm springs and is the winter home of the Manatees. I think that is a Southern League AA Baseball team or something. Anyways, there are hot springs there for swimming and nature trails to walk and, I hope, a good baseball game. I am told that you can swim with the Manatees, but I won’t impose and ask for their autographs or anything. I will try to get a few pictures, though. We’ll see!
We’ll be back home Sunday evening. Then I’m off again, on Thursday, to NJ to deliver thirty something puppies to the shelter up there. This will become a monthly or bi-monthly excursion for me. I don’t mind, but I wish I could go to a few different places. I love to see new stuff.
Don’t you think there are some people in Hawaii who would like to have a new spaded or neutered dog or puppy with a microchip that barks with a southern accent? I think there would be. But, NNOOOOO! Dr. Amber says it’s too far to drive. Doctors!!??! They think they are so smart and know everything.
Anyway, the bottom line is that I won’t be online much this week. Wait! What’s that yelling and whistling and clapping I hear? Maybe I need to go lay down for awhile. I’ll check with y’all later.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
GREAT TRUTHS
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize a cat.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask our 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your feed.
6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. Families are like fudge… mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4. You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize a cat.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask our 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your feed.
6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. Families are like fudge… mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4. You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
For You Women
Men are like… LAXATIVES. They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like… BANANAS. The older they get the less firm they are.
Men are like… VACATIONS. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like… WEATHER. Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like… BLENDERS. You need one but you’re not sure why.
Men are like… CHOCOLATE BARS. Sweet, smooth and usually heard straight for you hips.
Men are like… COFFEE. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night.
Men are like… COMMERCIALS. You can’t believe a word they say.
Men are like… DEPARTMENT STORES. Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like… GOVERNMENT BONDS. They take soooo long to mature.
Men are like… HOROSCOPES. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like… MASCARA. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like… POPCORN. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like… SNOWSTORMS. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
Men are like… LAVA LAMPS. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like… PARKING SPOTS. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Plus:
The Four Stages of a Man’s Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus
Men are like… BANANAS. The older they get the less firm they are.
Men are like… VACATIONS. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like… WEATHER. Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like… BLENDERS. You need one but you’re not sure why.
Men are like… CHOCOLATE BARS. Sweet, smooth and usually heard straight for you hips.
Men are like… COFFEE. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night.
Men are like… COMMERCIALS. You can’t believe a word they say.
Men are like… DEPARTMENT STORES. Their clothes are always half off.
Men are like… GOVERNMENT BONDS. They take soooo long to mature.
Men are like… HOROSCOPES. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like… MASCARA. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like… POPCORN. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like… SNOWSTORMS. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
Men are like… LAVA LAMPS. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like… PARKING SPOTS. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Plus:
The Four Stages of a Man’s Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus
Monday, February 18, 2008
Menstrual Muse
You may have seen this before, but I received it in my email today. It is supposed to be an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best web-mail-award-winning letter – or so the email claims. But this lady is hysterical. What a laugh. Please read on......
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a
bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants; which brings me to the reason for my
letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there,
printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull shit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always!
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a
bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants; which brings me to the reason for my
letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there,
printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull shit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always!
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
Sunday, February 17, 2008
My Dictionary For Those Who Need It
The English language can be very confusing, especially to people learning to speak it as a second language. So, with my vast knowledge and superb education, I am sending out a list of words and their definitions to help in the cause. I mean to be helpful.
1. A CLITORIS is a Type of Flower.
2. A PUBIC HAIR is a Wild Rabbit.
3. A VULVA is a Swedish Vehicle.
4. SPREAD EAGLE is an Extinct Bird.
5. A FALLOPIAN TUBE is part of a T.V.
6. A VAGINA is a Medical Term for Heart Trouble.
7. A MENSTRUAL CYCLE has Three Wheels.
8. A FELLATIO is an Italian Dagger.
9. A G-STRING is par of a Violin.
10. SEAMEN is a term for Sailors.
11. ANUS is the Latin Word for Yearly.
12. TESTICLES are found on an Octopus.
13. CUNNLINGUS is a Person who Speaks Several Languages.
14. ASPHALT describes a Rectal Problem.
15. KOTEX is a Radio Station in Texas.
16. MASTERBATE is used to catch Big Fish.
17. MASTERBATER is the Head Bate Preparer on a Fishing Boat.
18. COITUS is a Musical Instrument.
19. FETUS is a Character on Gun Smoke.
20. An UNBILICAL COARD is part of a Parachute.
21. A CONDOM is an Apartment Complex.
22. When YOU MISS A PERIOD you can use a Semicolon.
23. AN ORGASM is use to Accompany a Choir.
24. A DIAPHRAM is a Geometric Drawing.
25. A DILDO is a Type of Sweet Pickle.
26. An ERECTION is when Japanese Vote.
27. A LESBIAN is From the Middle East.
28. SODOMY is a Type of Fast Growing Grass.
29. PORNOGRAPHY is the Business of Making Records.
30. GENITALS are Non-Jewish Persons.
31. DOUCHE is French for Twelve.
32. AN ENIMA is Someone Not Your Friend.
33. OVARIES is an Egg Dish made with Cheese.
34. SCROTUM is a small Planet next to Uranus.
35. A WET DREAM will not shock you under an Electric Blanket.
Now go forth feeling secure in your ability to communicate with people like me and brother dave and e.craig. We are natural born Master Cunnlinguist.
1. A CLITORIS is a Type of Flower.
2. A PUBIC HAIR is a Wild Rabbit.
3. A VULVA is a Swedish Vehicle.
4. SPREAD EAGLE is an Extinct Bird.
5. A FALLOPIAN TUBE is part of a T.V.
6. A VAGINA is a Medical Term for Heart Trouble.
7. A MENSTRUAL CYCLE has Three Wheels.
8. A FELLATIO is an Italian Dagger.
9. A G-STRING is par of a Violin.
10. SEAMEN is a term for Sailors.
11. ANUS is the Latin Word for Yearly.
12. TESTICLES are found on an Octopus.
13. CUNNLINGUS is a Person who Speaks Several Languages.
14. ASPHALT describes a Rectal Problem.
15. KOTEX is a Radio Station in Texas.
16. MASTERBATE is used to catch Big Fish.
17. MASTERBATER is the Head Bate Preparer on a Fishing Boat.
18. COITUS is a Musical Instrument.
19. FETUS is a Character on Gun Smoke.
20. An UNBILICAL COARD is part of a Parachute.
21. A CONDOM is an Apartment Complex.
22. When YOU MISS A PERIOD you can use a Semicolon.
23. AN ORGASM is use to Accompany a Choir.
24. A DIAPHRAM is a Geometric Drawing.
25. A DILDO is a Type of Sweet Pickle.
26. An ERECTION is when Japanese Vote.
27. A LESBIAN is From the Middle East.
28. SODOMY is a Type of Fast Growing Grass.
29. PORNOGRAPHY is the Business of Making Records.
30. GENITALS are Non-Jewish Persons.
31. DOUCHE is French for Twelve.
32. AN ENIMA is Someone Not Your Friend.
33. OVARIES is an Egg Dish made with Cheese.
34. SCROTUM is a small Planet next to Uranus.
35. A WET DREAM will not shock you under an Electric Blanket.
Now go forth feeling secure in your ability to communicate with people like me and brother dave and e.craig. We are natural born Master Cunnlinguist.
Friday, February 15, 2008
The Lighter Side
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but they may not be the right thousand words.
It’s better to be looked over than overlooked.
Math illiteracy affects eight out of every five people.
People usually get what’s coming to them… unless it was mailed.
Always write in complete sentences. Always.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.
Trust your first impressions. It seems that thinking only confuses you.
Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?
When the going gets though, everyone leaves.
The sports page records people’s accomplishments; the front page usually records nothing but man’s failures. – Earl Warren
Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year – “62-63,” “63-64,” “64-65,” etc. A freshman looking curiously at the photos turned to his buddy and said, “Isn’t it strange how the teams always lost by one point?”
A picture is worth a thousand words, but they may not be the right thousand words.
It’s better to be looked over than overlooked.
Math illiteracy affects eight out of every five people.
People usually get what’s coming to them… unless it was mailed.
Always write in complete sentences. Always.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.
Trust your first impressions. It seems that thinking only confuses you.
Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?
When the going gets though, everyone leaves.
The sports page records people’s accomplishments; the front page usually records nothing but man’s failures. – Earl Warren
Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year – “62-63,” “63-64,” “64-65,” etc. A freshman looking curiously at the photos turned to his buddy and said, “Isn’t it strange how the teams always lost by one point?”
Thursday, February 14, 2008
My Country
We have Jimmy Carter to thank for giving our Social Security to immigrants who never paid a dime into it.
We have Cynthia Tucker to thank for totally failing to realize what “illegal” means.
These liberals have turned our country into a welfare “gimme” state that even our great-grandchildren will never stop paying for.
A picture I’d love to have on a T-Shirt!
LET ME MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR
THIS IS MY COUNTRY!
And, because I make this statement DOES NOT mean I'm against immigration!!!
YOU ARE WELCOME HERE IN MY COUNTRY.
Welcome to come through like everyone else has.
Get a sponsor!
Get a place to lay your head!
Get a job!
Live by OUR rules!
Pay YOUR taxes!
And LEARN THE LANGUAGE LIKE ALL OTHER IMMIGRANTS HAVE IN THE PAST!!
AND PLEASE, DON'T DEMAND THAT AMERICANS HAND OVER THEIR LIFETIME SAVINGS OF SOCIAL SECURITY FUNDS TO YOU TO MAKE UP FOR ''YOUR'' LOSSES.
When will AMERICAN'S STOP giving away THEIR RIGHTS???
We've gone so far the other way, bending over backwards not to offend anyone. But it seems no one cares about the AMERICANS who are being offended!
Wake Up Americans; Wake up Congress!
We have Cynthia Tucker to thank for totally failing to realize what “illegal” means.
These liberals have turned our country into a welfare “gimme” state that even our great-grandchildren will never stop paying for.
A picture I’d love to have on a T-Shirt!
LET ME MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR
THIS IS MY COUNTRY!
And, because I make this statement DOES NOT mean I'm against immigration!!!
YOU ARE WELCOME HERE IN MY COUNTRY.
Welcome to come through like everyone else has.
Get a sponsor!
Get a place to lay your head!
Get a job!
Live by OUR rules!
Pay YOUR taxes!
And LEARN THE LANGUAGE LIKE ALL OTHER IMMIGRANTS HAVE IN THE PAST!!
AND PLEASE, DON'T DEMAND THAT AMERICANS HAND OVER THEIR LIFETIME SAVINGS OF SOCIAL SECURITY FUNDS TO YOU TO MAKE UP FOR ''YOUR'' LOSSES.
When will AMERICAN'S STOP giving away THEIR RIGHTS???
We've gone so far the other way, bending over backwards not to offend anyone. But it seems no one cares about the AMERICANS who are being offended!
Wake Up Americans; Wake up Congress!
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