“My, what a pretty dog.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”, said the little girl.
“What’s your dog’s name?” asked the lady.
“Porky”
The old lady said, “What a cute name. Is that because he is so big and fat?”
The little girl looked surprised and said, “Oh, no ma’am. We call him Porky because he fucks pigs.”
Twenty minutes later the EMT’s revived her. She was okay!
I am an awesome husband, yes I am. I have the ability to make my wife one of the happiest women on earth and it takes little effort on my part. I’m that good.
And it only cost me $.99.
You see, living out in the country among all the horses and chicken farms, we have our share of flies. Pesky little buggers! And a bitch to get rid of! So I put up four fly traps along the fence line and around the garbage can. They are so functional that I have to replace them each week. They fill up so fast.
But a few will get off course and end up in the house. Neither one of us enjoy them and their aerobatics. So we get bloodthirsty (do flies have blood) and kill the little fuckers when we can. But Judy will not let me spray the fly spray in the house. So I went out and bought fly swatters. For $.99! That is two for $.99 at Wal Mart. She has a red one and I have a blue one.
And Judy went wild. She is swatting flies all over the place.
I have dubbed her The Fly Killer. And she goes on the deck swatting flies like a MLB player at batting practice. She slap's them on the side of the house, on the deck furniture, even on the deck, and on the door (which makes a noise the scares the dogs and they climb all over me (over 90 lbs each.)
So I give you The Fly Killer…the Happiest Woman In Georgia…if not the world.
Told you I was awesome!
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally found the place but an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. But the guy was a veteran, and not knowing what else to do, I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man who proudly served our country.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept; we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I ain’t never seen not’en like that afore in my life, and I've been putting in Septic Tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost . . . it's a man thing.
With a H/T to DC
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes! How can I help you."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds”
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely!"
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "Well then, we'd like to use this store for our wedding present’s list..."
