Points To Ponder About Hillary

This was an e-mail I received today from a friend. As it says, Dick Morris worked with the Clintons. He was the one who said that when Hillary said that she had more experience because she had eight years in the White House. Dick said, “So did the baker.”


Subject: Facts to Ponder... What has happened to common sense?

The Democrats are Coming

by Dick Morris, former political advisor to President Bill Clinton


If you happen to see the Bill Clinton five-minute TV ad for Hillary in which he introduces the commercial by saying that he wants to share some things we may not know about Hillary's background . . . beware .

As I was there for most of their presidency and know them, better than just about anyone, I offer a few corrections;

LIE 1. Bill says: 'In law school Hillary worked on legal services for the poor.'
The facts are: Hillary's main extra-curricular activity in law school was helping the Black Panthers, on trial in Connecticut for torturing and killing a federal agent. She went to court every day as part of a law student monitoring committee trying to spot civil rights violations and develop grounds for appeal.

LIE 2. Bill says: 'Hillary spent a year after graduation working on a children's rights project for poor kids.'
The facts are: Hillary interned with Bob Truehaft, the head of the California Communist Party. She met Bob when he represented the Panthers and traveled all the way to San Francisco to take an internship with him.

LIE 3. Bill says: ’Hillary could have written her own job ticket, but she turned down all the lucrative job offers.'
The facts are: She flunked the DC bar exam, yes, flunked, it is a matter of record, and only passed the Arkansas bar. She had no job offers in Arkansas, none, and only got hired by the University of Arkansas Law School at Fayetteville because Bill was already teaching there. She did not join the prestigious Rose Law Firm until Bill became Arkansas Attorney General and was made a partner only after he was elected Arkansas Governor.

LIE 4. Bill says: 'President Carter appointed Hillary to the Legal Services Board of Directors and she became its chairman.'
The facts are: The appointment was in exchange for Bill's support for Carter in his 1980 primary against Ted Kennedy. Hillary then became chairman in a coup in which she won a majority away from Carter's choice to be chairman.

LIE 5. Bill says: 'She served on the board of the Arkansas Children's Hospital.'
The facts are: Yes she did. But, her main board activity, not mentioned by Bill, was to sit on the Wal-Mart board of directors, for a substantial fee. She was silent about their labor and health care practices.

LIE 6. Bill says: ‘Hillary didn’t succeed at getting health care for all Americans in 1994 but she kept working at it and helped to create the Children's Health Insurance Program (CHIP) that provides five million children with health insurance.'
The facts are: Hillary had nothing to do with creating CHIP. It was included in the budget deal between Clinton and Republican Majority Leader Senator Trent Lott. I know; I helped to negotiate the deal. The money came half from the budget deal and half from the Attorney Generals' tobacco settlement. Hillary had nothing to do with either source of funds

LIE 7. Bill says: ’Hillary was the face of America all over the world.'
The facts are: Her visits were part of a program to get her out of town so that Bill would not appear weak by feeding stories that Hillary was running the White House. Her visits abroad were entirely touristic and symbolic and there was no substantive diplomacy on any of them.

LIE 8. Bill says: ’Hillary was an excellent Senator who kept fighting for children's and women’s issues.'
The facts are: Other than totally meaningless legislation like changing the names on courthouses and post offices, she has passed only four substantive pieces of legislation. One set up a national park in Puerto Rico. A second provided respite care for family members helping their relatives through Alzheimer's or other conditions. And two were routine bills to aid 911 victims and responders which were sponsored by the entire NY delegation. Presently she is trying to have the US memorialize the Woodstock fiasco of 40 years ago.

Here is what bothers me more than anything else about Hillary Clinton. She has done everything possible to weaken the President and our country (that's you and me!) when it comes to the war on terror.

1. She wants to close GITMO and move the combatants to the USA where they would have access to our legal system.

2. She wants to eliminate the monitoring of suspected Al Qaeda phone calls to/from the USA.

3. She wants to grant constitutional rights to enemy combatants captured on the battlefield.

4. She wants to eliminate the monitoring of money transfers between suspected Al Qaeda cells and supporters in the USA.

5. She wants to eliminate the type of interrogation tactics used by the military & CIA where coercion might be used when questioning known terrorists even though such tactics might save American lives.

One cannot think of a single bill Hillary has introduced or a single comment she has made that would tend to strengthen our country in the War on Terror.

But, one can think of a lot of comments she has made that weaken our country and makes it a more dangerous situation for all of us.

Bottom line: She goes hand in hand with the ACLU on far too many issues where common sense is abandoned.

Pass this on. Thanks for reading this to the end. MY words: We must not forget these facts so quickly as to sell our Nation short. Thank you GOD for Emails; we could never count on our News media.

I have heard all this before, but this is the first time I have seen it in print by a former Clinton supporter and Democrat. If any of this is wrong, Brother Dave will correct it. I do not intend to mislead, but I do intend to fight Socialism as hard as I can.

Stress - Don't Want It

Stress training for the day.

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?”

Answers called out ranged from 250g. to 700g.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."

"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance."

"In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. "

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow."

"Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you
can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy!"

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

1 Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

2 Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

5 If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 Never buy a car you can't push.

9 Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

15 You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to on person.

16 Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

17 We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed -
Nicholas Chamfort

Back Home Again

It was great. Really busy and fun. I worked in the same precinct that we vote in, and got to meet new neighbors, see friends we don’t normally get to see, and marveled at their choice of parties. I spent most of my time on the “accelerated voter” machines.

This is the machine that initiates and builds your voter card. There is no way to coordinate your vote with any information other than your party choice. So don’t worry about Big Brother knowing how you voted.

I played a game with myself (which I won, by the way) were I would try to guess the party affiliate before I looked them up on the computer. The process is, for those of you who do not vote or do not have computer voting abilities, is you come in the door, go to a table and fill out a card that has your name, address, and, for this election, your party choice (either Dem or Rep – no Ind.) The people at the table will verify that you have filled out your card correctly, they check your photo id, and initial the card. The card is then brought to me. I key in your last name, and your first name if needed. I check the party you are choosing (this determines which names and issues will be loaded on your card for the voting machine,) and hit enter. The card comes out and you take it to the machine. When you insert the card, the needed information comes up on the screen (and your name and stuff is not on the card.) After you have made your choices you touch “Cast Ballot.” The card comes back out and you give it back to me to be used over again. Simple!

But occasionally you have to help some people with the process. We can help them up to the selection screen. We then MUST walk away. You vote is secret, know only to you and God and the little camera I installed behind you. Just kidding! Only you and any person you choose to tell.

We had quiet a few first time voters. High School Seniors came by after school and voted. I was really amazed that almost all of them marked Republican. Maybe there is still a voice for freedom somewhere in the Liberal government run schools. One lady who was born in 1925 (83 years old for you government school graduates) was voting FOR THE FIRST TIME. She was so cute. She was maybe 5’5” and 90 lbs. She talked real loud and tickled me to death. Let me say, first, that we, the pollsters, are not allowed to talk about the candidates, the parties, the issues, anything. We have to be impartial. Some people come in and make comments, but we have to deflect or ignore them. If you keep on talking about what is on the ballot, we have to ask you not to do it or ask them to leave the premises until you can come in a vote ONLY. So this little lady told me she was 83 years old (that’s 1925 for you government school graduates) and that this was her first time voting. She ask if I could make sure she marked her card correctly and said, in her loud voice, “I want to make sure I don’t vote for that Clinton woman or the man with the big ears.” All I could do was tell her that neither of those candidates would be on her ballot and she was free to vote on the Republican ticket. She ask if either of those two were Republicans. I said no, and helped her to the booth. When I turned back to the table, everyone in the place had smiles on their face. No one yelled foul play or anything. They were just as impressed with the lady as I was.

Occasionally, there are some who come in that you want to grab by the collar and slap some since into their thick skulls. A couple move here from Virginia where the have lived for a year and a half – and where they registered to vote. The moved back to the area, brought in a two year old voter registration card and were upset that they couldn’t vote. For your information, if you register in another precinct, town, city, or state, your precinct is notified of your new location and you are taken off the roles in the old place. They didn’t reregister, and thought that having the card would be proof that they had once voted here. They could not get it through their thick skulls that they could only vote in Virginia, if they could get back up there in time.

Enough! I know you are bored for now, but it was a fun and tiring day. Over 13 hours! Plus the delivery and pick up of the machines. The highlight of picking up the machines was the lunch we had at one of the elementary schools. It was such a treat watching the little yard apes get their meals, walk to their tables with all the authority a child can muster and sit at a table. It is their world, after all. They would skip seats and tell a friend to sit across from them. Then I noticed that they had to sit boy, girl, boy, girl. So the girls would try to sit across from each other. The boys didn't care. They were just so damn cute.

Buy! Later!

Too Busy To Write

This will be a busy week for me. I am working the elections for Cherokee County, so I won’t be around for you to abuse until Thursday.

Today I was on a truck with two other old geezers delivering and setting up the electronic voting machines. There were ten to twelve machines per precinct. In setting them up, the legs had to be unfolded, pilled out and locked then set upright. I was on and off my knees more times than a Catholic and a Mass marathon.

Then we had to wire the machines for electrical power, then run a steel cable though the handles to keep someone from stealing them. We had ten precincts to deliver. We started at 7:00 a.m. in the pouring rain. We finished at 4:30 in the humid heat well know in the South. I was sweating like a lumberjack whore on payday.

Tomorrow, at 6:00 a.m., I will report to my precinct for my Election Day duties. I have done this before and, although it is a long day, it is fun seeing and meeting the people as they come through. It will end around 9:00 p.m. tomorrow night. Then I will have to go back and pick up the voting machines on Wednesday. Another nine or ten hours.

I’m not complaining, mind you. I enjoy working with the fellows and visiting the schools and churches. But it is more continuous work than I am use too since I have retired. I am soar and stiff right now. And I want be at the computer as much. So be kind to me until I get back and can defend myself.

Later dudes and duddets!

I'm Proud

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American.

I'm A Dork - Really

I’m a dork. I know it. I’m not smart enough to be a geek. Just a dork! Over at RWA’s place, he entertained us with 25 of songs that mean something to him. He did it through a meme. And at my niece (Coffeycup) site, she talks about the arts and music all the time. It is a big part of her life. And at one time it was a big part of my life too. In high school during the late 50’s to early 60’s I lived for the radio. But aside from a few country songs, I have gotten away from the world of arts. Talk Radio is my forte, now.

But there are two songs that I love to hear anytime. Back in the early 50’s my sister bought a HiFi with her first paycheck. She bought us our first television with the next check. Three channels that stayed on till the 11:00 news went off the air. Rabbit ears, snow and fuss. And black-n-white!

But being a kid who loved his cowboy heroes (and their horses) and being at the church door every time it opened, the only place we had then of socializing with the kids our age, I would wonder about the cowboys on the cattle drives. They didn’t have a church to go to. If they died on the trail, or was shot down in a saloon, would they go to hell? Important concerns for a ten year old dork. Anyway, my sister brought some 33 1/3 albums home, and one of them was Vaughn Monroe. In that album I learned that the cowboys had their own way of worshiping. It was through music! To this day this is one of my favorite songs. It brings back memories of a different era and a fun childhood wearing gun belts and imaginary horses and fighting the Indians and bad guys and stuff. Since then, Johnny Cash has made the song famous, being heard on C&W stations all the time. But this was the first:



One of the old westerns stared Dean Martin, Ricky Nelson and John Wayne. Rio Bravo! Dean Martin is one of my favorite singers of yesterday. He made singing look so easy. He never seemed to strain for any note and was just damn cool. But of all the songs he sang on all the movies he was in, this song comes to mind every time I hear his name. Just this one. I still like to her him sing, but this is what comes to mind when I hear Dean Martin.



See! I told you I was a dork. I have a few more, like Cool Water, Rawhide, Flying to the Danger Zone from Top Gun. Now you know why I’m not invited to many parties.

My Tattoo

I don't have a tattoo, yet. But a friend sent this one to me, and I can see me having this one done. NOT!

 

It's almost nasty, isn't it?

We All Have Our Days

That last post reminded me of a heartwarming story of a man who called home one day from work and his Mexican house keeper answered the phone in her broken English.

“Ola!” she said.

“Let me speak to my wife.” The man said.

“Uh! I’m sorry, Senior. She up on second floor with mailman.”

“WHAT? Why the sluttish whore. Listen, go in my desk drawer, get my gun and shoot both the bastards.”

“But, Senior, I cannot do that. I could get into trouble.”

“Listen you wetback illegal whore, if you don’t do it I am calling Immigration and having you and your whole family deported back to Mexico by night fall.”

“Yes, sir! I will try.”

“Try my ass. Get my gun and shoot both of them, NOW. I’ll wait on the phone until you do it and then I’ll tell you what to do with the gun and who to call.”

“Yes, sir!” And she lays the phone down. A few minuets later he hears a couple of gun shots. Then a pause and two more shots that sounded closer. Then she came back on the phone and said, “It is done.”

"Tell me! Tell me the whole thing. Uh! Why were there two shots so close to the phone?”

“Well, they were in bed and I shot the misses first. But he gringo, he slipped by me and run down steps. I chase him out the patio door and shot him. He fell into the pool.”

“POOL?? What Pool? Is this 555-1253?”

Spanish For Your Nanny

Be careful what you ask for!

Bumper Stickers For The Aged

A friend sent me an email with a few bumper stickers from a web site called pccaregivers.com. Nekked Lizard Man also mentioned in a comment somewhere that he should get into the bumper sticker business. Well, NLM, here are a few bumper stickers to help you get started. That is, if you want to take advantage of us infirmed and aged.

I ask my wife if old men wear boxers or briefs.
She said Depends!

I’m so old...
I don’t buy green bananas.

Good by Tension! Hello Pension!

When I was younger, all I wanted was a nice BMW.
Now, I don’t care about the W.

I’m Retired!
I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.

I’m in the initial stages of my golden years.
SS, CD’s, IRS’s, AARP…

Sometimes I pee when I laugh!

I was at the beauty shop for nearly two hours,
And that was only for the estimate.

You know you are getting old when…
You throw a wild party and the neighbors didn’t realize it.

“The secret to staying young is to live honestly…
Eat slowly, and lie about your age.”

I must be getting older…
All the names in my phonebook end with MD

I’m not old.
I’m chronologically gifted.

FLORIDA!
God’s waiting room.

Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

At my age… Flowers scare me!

I’m so old… when I eat out,
They ask for the money up front.

I’m so old… all my friends in Heaven
Will think I didn’t make it.

It ain’t the age, it’s the damn mileage.

Support Bingo!
Keep Grandma off the streets.

When did my wild oats…
Turn into prunes and brand?

Old Age comes at a very bad time.

You know you are getting old when…
Happy Hour is a NAP!

Retirement!
Twice the husband; half the money.

It’s not that I am afraid to die…
I just don’t want to be around when it happens.

Men and Womens Brains

This will explain a great deal about the two different brain thought patterns of men and women.



Any thoughts on the subject?

I'm Off Again

I’m off again. This time I am leaving tonight for two locations in upper New York. I am delivering a load of puppies to the booming metropolis of Niskayuna, NY and a few dogs to the sister metropolis of Menands, NY. It is, according to MapQuest, a 16 hour drive to Niskayuna and a twenty-three minuets to Menands.

From there I am going to Murry Hill, NJ, (another three hours) to spend the night with Sweet Tea. She will be driving back with me on Saturday. Poor thing! She will be home until Valentines Day (I hope,) when she will be leaving for Paris, France, or a couple of weeks for training on a new system.

We live in a huge house (I’ll show you pictures one day) that echoes a lot. I’m not one of those men who NEEDS to have a woman to be around. I do my own laundry (even when she is here) and I clean the house pretty much without being asked (TOLD.) I can fix something to eat, although I don’t cook any serious shit. But it seems more complete when she is here yelling at me.

Oh, well! Such is the life of a professional working with an international company. I’m proud of her and her accomplishments, but I also like to scrooch up to her at night, too.

In the meantime, I will transport the dogs and puppies to far and exotic locations, and try to keep the peeing down to a manageable few hours between stops.

See y’all when I get back on Saturday night. TaTa!

I'm The Man and She's The Woman

Thanks to gawilli for sending this to me. It has been around for some time, but it is closer to the truth of Sweet Tea and me.



Now you know the real truth.

But there is another side, too. How about the woman? Well, let's see:



Now chose your side.

Retirement Reminders

I received this in my email today and, with minor adjustments that are obvious, I am sending it to you for your Monday chuckle. Or to piss you off. Depending on which sex you are.

Subject: RETIREMENT REMINDERS

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Coffeypot. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Sweet Tea. When I took 'early retirement' last year, it became necessary for Sweet Tea to get a full-time job along with her part- time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sweet Tea. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy, though. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Coffeypot

EDITOR'S NOTE: Coffeypot died suddenly on January 21st. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his behind, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Sweet Tea was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.

Our New Government Seal

UPDATE: I sent this out to some non-blogging friends and Sweet Tea via email. Sweet Tea sent me back a message saying she felt soooo 'tupid. She couldn't figure how a children’s wading pool had anything to do with the government. Then it hit her. In her defense, folks, it has been a long time...

Official Announcement:

The New Official Government Seal


The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!



Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than this.

I Ain't Petty Necked Anymore

One of my many admirers, whose numbers can be counted on one hand, emailed this to me. It is soooo me. So, if you can keep your food down, here it is. Again, I’m not good enough to link to this so you will have to cut and paste. But it is worth it.

http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20071221/MULTIMEDIA/283841756

Thanks, Tina!

Another Year Has Passed But I Haven't Yet

The years are really flying by now. I can feel it, too. This is a poem sent to me that might help you to understand me more than any meme's could. Enjoy!


Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,

But lots of things that come to mind
Just makes me kind of sad.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.

Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'.

We used to go to friends homes
For baseball games and lunches,

Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers
From parties that were gay.

Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.

Now we ask for doggie bags;
Come home and take a pill.

We used to travel often
To places near and far.

Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall

But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you get too old!!

Whopper Freak-out In The 'Hood

This is the Whopper Freak-out happily brought to you by Wendy's.

Grannydot Is Finally Happy

EDIT: Sweet Tea was having a slow moment at work today and sent me this email. She thinks I am on withdrawel after two months of GrannyDot.

Hi,
Since you are "playing" on the computer, I just thought I would mention that I need a nap…. I am tired, and ready for hibernation. It says on the news on Sunday it will be a high of 20 degrees. BRRR!!! Just thought I would drop a short note to let you know I am tired….

And to make you feel better because I know you missed this:

Could you go to Rite Aid and by me some gas X because the other stores brands aren't the same. And can you go to Wal-Mart and get me some pepsid AC for my heart burn. And then can you go to Kroger's to pick up some fiber substitute to help me go to the bathroom.. And can you go to the nature health store to get me some medicine for my gas. On the way back can you go to the pharmacy and get my prescriptions filled. Also I need some yogurt and some ice cream and some candy.

Also I am almost out of toilet paper in the bathroom because the package of 12 you bought yesterday is gone….

Do you feel better now???

ILU

 

Grannydot is as happy as a pig in shit. She has cancer. Normally that is not something I would see as being funny, but we are talking about Dot, the epitome of hypochondriac symptoms.

Just before she came down to spend November and December with us; she had a spot on her right cheek removed. If you look real close on the picture you will see a red spot just under her right eye and to the side of her nose. This is after almost two months of healing. There was an ugly hole there when she first came down that she doctored and covered up with Band-Aids (every hour.) She would ask me if it looked bad. Me! She would ask me. I would tell her that until people started puking and little kids started running away screaming, not to worry about it. Anyway, when she returned home there was a message for her to come into the doctor’s office. That is when she learned of the cancer.

Sweet Tea, who is in New Jersey for the month of January, stopped by to visit her and she said Grannydot was almost happy. She actually has a problem that is not in her head and she can brag to the other people in her building about her affliction. I think she has even forgotten about the Restless Leg Syndrome she said she had after seeing it on television one night. I know her Diverticulitis went away as soon as she discovered McDonalds put nuts in their yogurt – which she can eat now, along with her nightly bowl of ice-cream, since her Lactose Intolerance maliciously (her term, not mine) cleared up after they prayed for her in church.

She told Sweet Tea, “You remember how my nose would bleed when I blew it? It was on the other side of the cancer spot, but I think the cancer has spread behind my nose to the left side, and is in my nose now.” It didn’t matter that the air was probably too dry in the house, and the heat was up so much it would dry a wet-wipe into brittleness in two minuets. She asked me, again, silly woman, how she could stop her nose from bleeding every time she blew it. I told her to quit blowing it. Have you ever seen an 83 year old squatty body woman shoot someone a bird? I don’t know if her hand was shaking from her laughing, being mad at me, an orgasm or palsy, but it was funny.

But she is having a ball calling everyone and telling them that she is going to have to go back in and have the spot cut on again. There is another small spot that they think they missed from the last surgery. Not spreading, but just missed. She even told Uncle Sherm that shy might have to have her nose cut off.

She gets so mad when someone questions her about her problems and the amount of medications she takes. So now she actually has something to show them and she is beside herself. I think she should celebrate with a bowl of butter-pecan ice-cream, don’t you?

Ponderings and Comments

My bloging buddy, Nekked Lizard Man, posted some ponderings that keep him awake at night. I found a few more that should really keep him snoozingly impaired. Plus a few good comments, too. So, here ‘tis:

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in', but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

ALSO

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't drink and drive; you might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies. [Kermit the Frog]

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi.

Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.

GUN CONTROL: using both hands!

The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist."

MEME of 4's

I was tagged by Mary Stebbins Taitt over at No Polar Coordinates to do this meme. It is a List of fours.

1) 4 Jobs you have had:
1. Coca Cola Route Salesman/Sales Manager
2. Route Salesman selling Draft Beer.
3. Line Production Supervisor in Blow Mold Plastic Industry.
4. Financial Analyst.

2) 4 Jobs you would like to have had:
1. Lawyer.
2. FBI or CIA Agent
3. Professional Hit Man for the Mafia or the Government or the IRS.
4. Quality Control Inspector in a Whore House.

3) 4 Places I have lived:
1. Atlanta, Georgia
2. Long Beach, California
3. Smyrna/Marietta, Georgia
4. In my own dream world.
4) 4 Places I have been on vacation:
1. The Orlando tourist trap area.
2. Charleston, SC
3. Savannah, GA
4. All over the Caribbean.

5) 4 Places I would like to be now instead of here:
1. At sea on a cruse with Sweet Tea and the grandkids.
2. Japan
3. In the quality control room at the Whore House.
4. Where ever my mind takes me.

6) 4 Favorite foods:
1. Hamburgers
2. Spring Salads with grilled chicken breast.
3. Mexican.
4. Steaks.

7) 4 Things I like to do?
1. Read.
2. Do Crossword Puzzles
3. Beat the wife.
4. Get Christmas Cards from the Emergency Room personnel where I go for treatment after I beat the wife. She doesn’t go for it much.

4 People who might or might not respond in kind.
George Bush, Dali Lama, O.J. Simpson, Dr. Phill

God Laughs Too

 

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast.

 

When a Jew is on the swim team.

 

 

I See

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend with the boys and spent most of his paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be just fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

What's In A Name

I got this from Teri over at Family Tree Junkie.

What John Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Then, again, there is this one:

What Coffeypot Means

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings. You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun. Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. You are influential and persuasive. You tend to have a lot of power over people. Generally, you use your powers for good. You excel at solving other people's problems. Occasionally, you do get a little selfish and persuade people to do things that are only in your interest. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Which one is more me?

For the Want of a Few Good Laughs

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!!”
___

A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"

"Dunno...Never found the head!"
____

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING:

Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall

My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big tits."
___

STRENGTH EXERCISES FOR SENIORS

It just might work for some others too!

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

It seems so easy; I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potatoe sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

If Abbott and Costello Were Here Now

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business…what do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's jus t say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later....

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START!”

It would have had more meaning if Abbott had an accent from India.

Another Me Me For You You

I have been tagged to do this meme. I am suppose to link to the person(s) that tagged me, but I don’t know how to link, yet, so I’ll just say that Special K tagged me. Thank you, sweetie!

Post the rules on your blog.

Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog, tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I cannot just sit and watch TV. I have to be doing something else like working a crossword puzzle or reading or jacking off or doodling on a TV Guide or blogging.

2. When I’m on a transport I listen to audio books.

3. I hated high school and wasn’t too fond of college, either, though I did enjoy working on my MBA.

4. I suffer with clinical depression. Nothing drastic! It’s more like what’s the use in doing this or that. And I have a problem with believing people actually like me. I guess I’ve been the recipient of too many back-stabbings and lack of loyalty to believe anything else.

5. And despite the above, I love to laugh and hear people laugh. And absolutely nothing is too sacred to not be made fun of or joked about. Including me! And I have found some of the funniest people I have ever read on this blog. You people are funnier than paid professionals and I enjoy your company.

6. I want to go back to Japan and Hong Kong to see the stuff I couldn’t afford to see as a sailor.

7. I’m the worlds oldest male lesbian. So much so that I have to garble with Drano to get the hair clog out of my throat.

That’s it for now. I'm suppose to tag 7 of you, but fuck it. The chain stops here. I won’t tag anyone else. But if you would like to volunteer, be my guest.

I love reading about you people. Your lives, the good and the bad, and you are all so interesting. I’ve laughed out loud; had a tear roll down my cheek; and I have had the desire to hug some of you.

TTFN!

CLINTON vs PROSPERITY

NOTHING ELSE NEEDS TO BE SAID

 

July Andrews Ain't Old

I got this in an email and I thought you might like to see it. It seems to be more about women, but I can relate to a bunch of this stuff.

Julie Andrews - It takes a good sense of humor to grow old.....

It wouldn't be funny if it wasn’t so true... Julie Andrews turned 69.
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music." Here are the actual lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth and glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.

Dot Will Leave - Yahoo

This is Dot, the love child of Jabba the Hut and the Wicked Witch of the West.

 

Just two more days and Grannydot will be gone. That’s good, but the best thing is, I’m not in jail. I try to be understanding and realize she is eighty three and all, but still…

She is the most self-centered person I have ever met. And she is nutty as a fruitcake, too.

Take for instance the night we went to see J-Man in his first band concert. We stopped for fast food because of the time. She had never had Chic-Fillet chicken sandwich and didn’t know what to order. So she looked at the menu and chose the biggest meal they offer. Sweet Tea told me what she wanted and added a fried peach pie to order. GD had to have one, too. Okay! I can live with that – if she would eat everything she ordered. But you guessed it, she at the peach pie first. Then complained that she had heartburn and wanted a stick of gum to make it go away. Just like Diet Pepsi stops her throat from clogging up when she eats pepper.

Because of Friday night traffic we were running a little late, so I told her to just sit on the front row of the gym bleachers. Well! She’ll have me know that she can climb a few steps. “Dot,” I said, “there are no railings to hold on too.” She said she that I could help her up the steps. I told her I would help her alright. I would stick my finger up her ass and march her up the steps to the top tier on her tiptoes. She said, “You just try if, mister.” I told her not to worry; I wouldn’t do that to my finger. She ended up sitting in a chair on the gym floor. Fuck with me!

She takes pills. When she dies the pill company will have to lay off twenty people. She takes pills to thin her blood because of a triple by-pass she had. That is okay. Not a problem. But she takes pills to make her shit, and pills to soften her stools and pills to stop the gas, and pills to help her cholesterol, and pills to help her digest her food and pills to help her eyes and pills for every occassion know to man that I never heard of. I ask her why she takes pills to make her shit and pills to stop gas buildup, and pills to help her see (fish oil peels.) She said her doctor said she needed them. I told her I think her body is confused. It doesn’t know rather to shit or go blind. She said I wasn’t’ a doctor and to mind my own business. I would if it wasn’t costing me a fortune in Rx and toilet paper. It is absolutely amazing how one little woman can go thought so much tp. Rolls and rolls! Of course she does have a huge ass.

For Christmas, we did something different this year and it was fun. Everyone who came over had to bring three gifts totaling less that $100. One of the gifts had to be a “white elephant” gag gift. Then we all drew numbers to see who gets the first gift. The second person can either take an unopened present from the pile or take the one the person before you had opened. Then the number one person draws another present. It’s fun, believe me. When it came to be Dot’s turn she chose the biggest box on the floor simply because she wanted to have the biggest present. Appropriately, it was a gag gift that had a Sponge Bob Square Pants toilet seat and two towels rolled up to look like a butt with a tootsie roll sticking out. She was pissed, but tried not to show it. Amber’s boyfriend, Bob, felt sorry for her (he's a liberal, ya know) and took it on his turn. I ask her why she chose something so big when she wouldn’t be able to take it on the plane when she went home. She said I could mail it to her. I said why don’t I mail her, it’s cheaper than a ticket. She pretended not to hear me. She is also selectively deaf, too.

Oh! There are many more “conversations” we have had, but I think you get the drift. She loves me and thinks I’m funny. I’m not! I’m as serious as an inflamed hemorrhoid. But she will be gone on Tuesday. Unfortunately Sweet Tea will, too. She will be in Murray Hill, NJ, for most of January. I do have another transport going to NJ and to NY on the 2nd, and I will stop and have lunch with ST, but Grannydot is out of my hair – till next Christmas. Pray for me!

A Little Humor For You

This lady is hilarious. It's my intent to give you a little humor before the start of the Christmas celebrations.

UPDATE: Did y'all not go to the site blow? You have to copy and paste, but Mrs. Hughes is hilarious.

http://crackle.com/c/High_Wire/Mrs_hughes_skewed_views/2041059/#ml=o%3D15%26fc%3D25%26fx%3D

Also, this is some experts from one of the funniest game shows ever put on television. Hollywood Squares with Paul Lynde, Charley Weaver and the gang.

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when “Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

My Christmas Story

This is my Christmas story. It’s very moving, so, if you are the emotional type, stop reading now.

Little Johnny came up to his mother and asked, “Mama, what am I going to get for Christmas?”

Mama said, “Not a damn thing. You’ve been a little shit all year long.”

Little Johnny whined, “But mmaaaa maaaaa, it’s Christmas.”

Mama said, “Okay! Since the real meaning of Christmas it the celebration of the Baby Jesus’ birthday I want you to go to your room and write the Baby Jesus a letter telling him how bad your have been all year and how you are going to change. Then, if He likes the letter you MIGHT get something for Christmas.”

He takes off to his room, sits at his desk with a pencil and paper and prints, “Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a bad boy all year long and I promise that for the next 6 months I’ll…”
He pauses and thinks, “That is an awfully long time. Maybe I had better not commit to such a long time. He wads the paper into a ball and flings it over his shoulder, and begins again.

“Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a bad boy all year, but I promise that for the next month I’ll…” He stops and thinks to himself, “This is December and we have Christmas parties at school and church and New Years Eve parties, too. I’d better not commit to that length of time, either.” So he wads that paper up and slings it over his shoulder, and starts again.

“Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a bad boy all year long, but I promise that for the next…” He rips the paper up and wads it into a ball thinking, “Ah, hell! He knows me better than that.”

He runs down to the Nativity scene and grabs the Big V (Mary) and runs back to his room, locks her in his desk drawer and writes, “Dear Baby Jesus, If you ever want to see your mother again…”

Sniff, sniff. It gets to me every year.

The Final Santa Show - Unless

As I promised, this is the last of the Santa stuff, but I wanted you to see my buddies.

This is Brie and Gabby. They are, like all my animals, rescue dogs. Brie, the white one, is a Great Pyrenees/Golden Lab mix (around 110lbs.) Dr. Amber called us to say that the mother and her 3 brothers and sisters were going to be adopted. All but one. She didn’t care which one we chose, but do it that day because a rescue organization who place them was going to pick up the others. When we got there Brie walked over and sat down on Sweet Tea’s foot and would not get up. She chose us. Gabby, a Chocolate Lab (90 lbs.), had been left chained to a tree with 10 puppies. The owners had moved away. She had scars from fighting something, and was heart worm positive. We worked with her and she’s fine now.

 

These two are Nancy and Jo Jo. Nancy is a boy and Jo is a girl. The original owner couldn’t tell the difference and though he was a she – thus Nancy. Jo was tied with a rope outside Pet Smart and abandoned. Becasue she was so scared and abused, no one could get near her. Except Sweet Tea, who just happened to be there dropping off lunch to Amber and her rescue workers. The same thing happened to me when I met her. She's that kind of woman. So we brought Jo home. When Dr. Amber said she would keep the dogs at her place until we could get the house sold, Nancy ran up to greet Jo and they have been inseparable BBFs ever since. So I guess I inherited a new pet.

 

I will be leaving tomorrow night after J-Man’s band recital to deliver 32 puppies to West Palm and Boca Raton, Florida. I’ll start around midnight and try to make it a turnaround trip (without stopping at a motel,) some twenty hours. Just depends on how I feel, the traffic, and those cell phone drivers.

 

Then, either Friday or Saturday, I will be driving up to Goshin, Indiana to pick up a dog that Dr. Amber adopted out about two years ago. It became separated from the owner and a kind lady found the dog and took it to the vet. The vet found the chip in the dogs neck. She got the information and called Dr. Amber to let her know she had the dog. Dr. A called the owner of record who said they didn’t want the dog. So someone has to pick it up. She was going to drive up, but with the snow and shit up that way, I told her I would do it.

So my week will be pretty full, but the good thing is, you won’t have to put up with my shit for a few days. I can hear the yelling and whistling from here. But I promise to return with a vengeance. Besides, I have to tell you about Grannydot. Let’s just say two or three days on the road without the whining and complaining will be heaven.

I might try to tell you tomorrow before I leave – or not. Be good, folks. I do have a couple of pictures of two pugs that visited Santa for Marni and Lori. But Lori is have some problems with her Pugsley, and I don't want to maker feel any worse than she already does. So, when she says it's oaky, I'll let you see the two pugs. THEN it will be all the Santa pictures. Except maybe the one where I had to get on the floor for my Play Girl pose because the dog would not let anyone pick it up.

Later, Gator!

It Happened To ME - TWICE

For over a year, now, I have been blogging and reading blogs. I have been amazed and gratified in reading post and comments from some of the most talented and funniest group of people anyone could ever be fortunate enough to be a part of. I wish I had just a touch of the talent, intelligence and writing ability you people possess.

That is why, to my surprise, I was not only selected as a Best Bloger Buddy award, but I was selected twice on the same day.

X 2

Marni, at It’s a Pug’s Life, and Katy, at Her Indoors, both bestowed this on me. I am honored and grateful. I think I owe them money or something, but, still, I got the awards.
And part of the award is that I have to select seven, that’s 7, people to pass this award on to. But since I got two of them, I get to do 14. And that isn’t easy, either.

I chose the 14 because they post regularly and interact with me on some level. I read over 40 sites a day so those that are not mentioned, please don’t be offended. I can only do so much with so little. So, if the feelings are not hurt, here goes:

1. brother dave, my liberal democrat from the left coast. I’ll convert him, or die trying. He is funny and sarcastic. If he was a woman I would marry him.
2. coopergreen, the original lying bastard. I think he is very talented with words, and I will, yet, teach him to curse (cuss).
3. crazy cat woman, whom I admire for her guts in handling her emotional problems while still being a good mother and raising a great family. Here’s a pill to ya, hon.
4. e.crag, my very talented friend who’s only think against him is that he is brother dave’s twin brother. Bless their mom.
5. gawilli who has some cool pictures and great stories, though she looses me when she talks music, which is one of her loves.
6. family tree junkie – teri my new friend, even though she is from New Jersey, she has roots in the South, and a funny sister to boot.
7. Miss Heidi, from Hick Chick, who is one of the most enjoyable reads. She is so talented and deeper than even she knows. She and Jethro would be a pleasure to meet in person – as would all you dudes and dudets.
8. Jim Latchford, my newest friend who is never read. He has some good ideas and comments and should be read more.
9. Mary Taitt of No Polar Coordnance, who is a very talented artist and always pleased me with her photos and paintings. I wish talent rubbed off on people because, if it did, I would be on her like a duck on a June bug. I would love to be able to paint and draw like she does.
10. old lady, who is a very talented writer and has the best stories of old town and grave yards. Even though she is married to an ex-Marine.
11. rwa, another new friend and talented person. I love his radio show and his postings. He makes you think – even though I get headaches.
12. hoosiergal, J. She is my new feminist friend who want’s to… what with me? Castrate, slap, hug, kiss, have my children, what?
13. that girl – Tina, the funny sister mentioned above. She is an ex-USFA lady and that is good enough for me. But she is so much more and that makes her a joy to read.
14. Special K, another new friend that is both funny and entertaining.
Clew Blues, new, too. She tickles me more and more.
Twist-o-lemon, funny in a very open and abrupt way.

Let me see, how many more number 14’s can I use. There are just too many of you. Sorry!

Santa's Second Week - One More To Go

Here are some pictures I made last Saturday. They are made with my camera and no one knows how to zoom in to get rid of the background food supply.

This one I made of ground control. From the left is Dr. Amber, Sweet Tea, Bug, Major Tom of Ground Control (Rick) and a customer in awe of our setup.

 

This is my two elves, Bug and J-Man. They really worked hard, too. They walked the dogs, petted all the dogs and cats that came by, and inspected every item on the shelves, in the fish tanks and in the cat room. We could't have made it without their support and help.

 

This is Ruger. His only goal in life is to eat and be petted. The looks fierce, but is such a baby. Much like me.

 

Now to tell you about some of the people who come through the store. One little guy came by me riding on his heelies. You know. The sneakers with wheels in the heel? He came up to me to say hello.

“Hey, Santa!”

“Hey, bud! What’s your name?”

“Darnell”

“Man, Darnell, I would like to have a pair of heelies like that.”

“Well, Wal Mart has a pair that would fit you.”

“I bet they do, too. But I can’t find a pair with training wheels on them.”

He just gave a toothless grin and punched me on the arm and said, “Santa, you’re sooo silly.” And skated off. Little shit! Punching Santa! Humph!

The little kids who come through are awed and half are afraid to come see me. But they are so cute.

Every now and then a real nice tight fitting pair of jeans will come through. It’s much better than looking at the backs of dog’s heads all day. Thanks, ladies! Rick and I appreciate it. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Then there are the people who are wwaaaaayyyy to fat to wear short shorts and shirts that show too much midriff. I have to assume there are no mirrors in their homes.

A few come through in the full regalia complete with sequins or rinestones. Six inch heels, tight jeans or short skirts, sexy blouses and a jacket, even though it is 70 degrees outside.

We also see the pet lovers who stop and tell you all about their fostering achievements and animal rescue efforts because they are wonderful people who will have a special place in heaven. I hope it’s in the kennels there.

But most of the people coming in make it worth it. They are nice and appreciative and understand what is actually going on. They even thank Santa for his efforts and make nice comments. I just tell them to blow it out their asses and get this damn dog off my lap. It stinks and you both of you need to take a bath.

Sunday my arms were sore because I had a great many large dogs and I had to strain to keep them sitting beside me, or between my legs or in my lap until a decent picture can be made. One mastiff mix just climbed into my lap and set down on my arm and I had to hold him by the butt for several seconds. It was so funny. He was a true lap dog. There were several poses with two or three lab size dogs. Lab’s are not made to sit and pose. You have to keep a gentle pressure on their sides to keep them where you want them. And their heads are in constant motion. That’s when the little ball peen hammer comes in handy. Glad my suite is red. The most I had to pose with was four big dogs of different breeds.

Then there are the cats. Cats don’t pose. Cats climb. I found out that if I just let them set on my legs and I hold them gently, like a vice grip, by the hips, they will stay put long enough to get a picture. But they have a mind of their own and all the squeaky toys and box shaking you do to get their attention is useless.

Anyway, that’s about it for now. I won’t bother you with this stuff anymore. Except next weekend! I will have pictures of my dogs to show you. After that, no more Santa shit.

Those Were The Days

Amy, over at Mish Mash, wrote about her hard ass and her first grade experience, so I thought I would tell you about my seventh grade endeavor to be like my older brothers. Back in the 50's Atlanta there were no kindergartens or middle schools. You started the first grade and went through the seventh grade in elementary school. Then you went to high school, starting in the eighth grade (as a sub-freshman.)

My seventh grade teacher, Mrs. Stringfellow, pulled hair if you misbehaved. One day she came down the isle and grabbed me by the hair and shook my head telling me to stop talking in class. That afternoon, when I got home, one of my older brothers (10 and 15 years older) rubbed my head and said, “How’d it go today, squirt?”

I must have flinched, because he asked me what was wrong. I told him Mrs. Stringfellow had pulled my hair. He said something like; you probably deserved it, too. But when I walked out of the room I heard him tell my other brother, “If the bitch did that to me I would knock her teeth out.” That was good enough for me. If my brothers thought that was the thing to do, then it had to be the right thing. I mean, they were older and wiser.

The next day, down the row she came, grabbed a handful of hair and started shaking my head like a dog with an old shoe (guess I really got on her nerves sometimes.) So, I gave her an uppercut that caused her to bit her tongue. My feet didn’t touch the floor until I was in the Principle’s office. Then I was suspended for three days and kick out of school like an old drunk being thrown out of the saloon in a western movie (okay that was an exaggeration.) But I was suspended and my mom beat my butt, my dad beat my butt and my brother beat my butt for telling mom it was his fault. I walked funny for those three days.

But when I went back to school I had a “flat-top” haircut - complete with Butch Hair Wax. Let the bitch try and grab me by the hair now. So she used my ears. That's why, if you look at my head from behind, it looks like a car with the doors open.

Those were the days. I wonder what would happen to Mrs. Stringfellow if she pulled hair today. Maybe a coffeypot wanna-be would pop a cap in her ass. Or the PTA would burn her at the stake. Or the ACLU would sue her for denying the wanna-be their Constitutional Rights of Free Speech. But I do know that my mom and dad would still have beat my butt. That was their favorite pastime.

Try Again, Dammit

Now, read the post below and pulg in the where it needs to be here.

 

 

Well You Ask For IT

I think this will work this time.

This is the BEFORE picture made on the deck of a cruse ship in Tampa.

(See the Picture Above)

This is the AFTER picture made last Sunday. See what I mean about being a SANTA SUCK?

(See the Other Picture Above)

That's Monster. She is Dr. Amber's little piece of hell. She hates everyone except Amber, but she will let someone hold her if Amber put her in you lap. Except children. I believe she would drag a 75lb child into a cage and eat it. She hates kids.

If you want more pictures, I'll make some on Saturday.

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

My brother, Stephen, sent this to me. He’s old, too, but younger than me, the asshole. So he though I might enjoy this. He was wrong.

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking a bout how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.



Enjoy Your Days, Love Your Life because:

“Life is a journey to be savored"

I'm Frustrated

Dammit, dammit, dammit!

I hate you techno-friendly people who can do shit on your blog and make it enjoyable. All I can do is type out a few stupid words and hope that someone somewhere understands what I am trying to say and either be offended or not offended. I don’t care which as long as you have a reaction of some kind and will note it in the comments. So all you people who can post pictures and stuff, BITE ME!

I have a few goofy pictures made this weekend at the Pet Smart. But I cannot get the goddamn things from my Kodak Picture Albums to this blog site. I suck at this and I am frustrated to no end. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, and, oh, yeah, FUCK IT!

So let me just answer some of your comments here so this won’t be a total waste of blog space. I’ll start by saying I didn’t know how much of a Santa Suck I am. Last year the pictures were made on a Polaroid camera. It is provided by Pet Smart, so we didn’t have a choice. This year PS changed to a small digital camera and a $1.15 printer which takes about three minuets to print each picture – with sometimes 10 or 12 people waiting with their dogs (who most times are trying to eat each other.). Our store is very lucky in that one of the volunteers who comes by every week to walk dogs and help out anyway he can, is also a salesman in real like of anything computer related for Cisco. He became very discussed with the quality of the pictures the store provided camera gave, so he went home and brought back his professional stuff. We are making the best quality photos of any PS store in the nation. But that also brings about a problem. Last year I couldn’t see myself very well. This year, if I look down at the animal at the time of the click, I look like I’m asleep. I did not know this on Saturday because I didn’t see any of the pictures. I saw few yesterday and I look like I am sleeping on the job. I am actually trying to get the best view of the dog and they don’t tell me when they are ready. Dammit!

To Pamela, that isn’t me in the photo you sent over, and I don’t make that good looking of a Santa.

Skippymom, Yes and no! I have been nipped a few times while trying to get a picture made. Some of the dogs are afraid of the all-red man with all the white hair on his face and head. It isn’t natural to them (or me) and they are just a little afraid. I try to get the owner to stand next to me and let the dog smell my hand before I try to pet it. Then we work it into my lap. Some of the dogs just jump into the lap and pose. Folks, NEVER EVER reach for a dog you don’t know or who doesn’t know you. Always slowly lower you hand to his nose and let him smell you first. It is the safest way to become acquainted. Unless, of course, you want to do it naturally their way and get down on all fours and sell each others ass. I prefer the hand method, myself.

Dr. Amber did have a small dog that she and I had to tell people all day long not to stick their fingers in the cage. She would try to bit them without a warning growl or bearing of the teeth. Outside the cage she would be just as loving as can be, but she was abused in her pin at the shelter she came from by the caretakers (minimum security prisoners working for the county.) Anyway, I spent the slow periods talking to her and rubbing her nose and the side of her mouth. She would whine and gently gnaw on my finger. After it was over, I came back to say goodbye to her, not even thinking that I wasn’t in the getup anymore, and she bit my left index finger pretty bad. I have cuts from my middle knuckle to the fingernail (and that is bruised) that did bleed for a while. But it wasn’t serious, and it was my own stupid fault. We laughed about it, too, because of all the warnings we gave to other people. Duh!

Clew, I would say go for it. It’s not that expensive and the shelter will benefit and you will have a cute picture. Some people were going to some of the copy shops and having Christmas cards made from the pictures. That is scary that my ugly Santa will be going all over the world. But if you are at the Pet Smart in Gwinnett on Ventura Blvd in Atlanta, drop by for a chat and a photo.

Have I said enough beside, damn, damn, fuck? Okay, bye!