I have seen this one before, as most of you have, but it is hilarious.
Jay Leno is the best, as good as Carson, and way above the current bunch of emcees. Conan will never be in the same class, and I think NBC should look for someone else to replace Jay when he retires. Conan is not funny. He's zany!
Enjoy!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Quotable Quotes
“Have you ever noticed… anyone going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”... George Carlin
“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started waling five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the hell she is.”... Ellen DeGeneris
“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”... Rita Rudner
“I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead.”... Sue Kolinsky
“I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No Pain; No Pain.”... Carol Leifer
“I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.”... Ed Bluestone
“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.”... Jackie Gleason
“I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’”... Jay Leno
“I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”... Dave Edison
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.”... George Goble
“Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.”... Billiam Coronel
“PCs should have next to the ‘Intel Inside’ sticker, an additional label that says, ‘Best if used by _______’.”... Unknown
“During the heat of the space race in the 1960’s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) decided it needed a ball-point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $241 million dollars. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.”... Unknown
“If Bigamy is having one wife too many, Monogamy is the same.”... Oscar Wilde
“The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”... Unknown
“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I’m a vegetarian because I have plants.”... A.Whitney Brown
“The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage totaled 26,911 words.”... Dave Barry
“Half of the people in the world are below average.”... Dave Barry
“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s live, she will choose to save the infant’s life without considering if there are men on base.”... Dave Barry
“Somebody hits me; I’m going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn’t eaten in a while.”... Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics
“Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress…but I repeat myself.”... Mark Twain
“A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. ‘Mind if I have a few?’ he asks. ‘No, not at all,’ the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that he had empied the bowl. ‘I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts; I really just meant to eat a few.’ ‘Oh, that’s all right,’ the woman says. ‘Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”... Unknown
“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started waling five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the hell she is.”... Ellen DeGeneris
“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”... Rita Rudner
“I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead.”... Sue Kolinsky
“I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No Pain; No Pain.”... Carol Leifer
“I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.”... Ed Bluestone
“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.”... Jackie Gleason
“I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’”... Jay Leno
“I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”... Dave Edison
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.”... George Goble
“Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.”... Billiam Coronel
“PCs should have next to the ‘Intel Inside’ sticker, an additional label that says, ‘Best if used by _______’.”... Unknown
“During the heat of the space race in the 1960’s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) decided it needed a ball-point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $241 million dollars. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.”... Unknown
“If Bigamy is having one wife too many, Monogamy is the same.”... Oscar Wilde
“The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”... Unknown
“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I’m a vegetarian because I have plants.”... A.Whitney Brown
“The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage totaled 26,911 words.”... Dave Barry
“Half of the people in the world are below average.”... Dave Barry
“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s live, she will choose to save the infant’s life without considering if there are men on base.”... Dave Barry
“Somebody hits me; I’m going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn’t eaten in a while.”... Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics
“Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress…but I repeat myself.”... Mark Twain
“A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. ‘Mind if I have a few?’ he asks. ‘No, not at all,’ the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that he had empied the bowl. ‘I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts; I really just meant to eat a few.’ ‘Oh, that’s all right,’ the woman says. ‘Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”... Unknown
Monday, February 11, 2008
Birthday MeMe
Rules:
1. Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
I enjoyed finding this in HoosierGirl's and Brother Dave’sblog.
2. Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months.
3. Pick your month of birth:
September
4. Highlight the traits that apply to you.
Listed all traits — made remarks.
5. Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving a comment for them.
I want tag anymore. I agree with BD, memes should be for those who volunteer their participation.
6. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve done it!
No one tagged me; I’m a volunteer.
Birth Month Traits:
JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.
FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.
APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.
MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.
JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.
JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.
SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.
OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.
NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.
DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.
My birth month is:
SEPTEMBER(Libra): Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.
Loves to joke: What? Hell no! I’m as serious as an inflamed hemorrhoid.
Attractive: OH YEAH!
Suave and caring: As long as you are agreeable as I am.
Brave and fearless: As long as I am bigger and stronger than they are.
Firm and has leadership qualities: I am very firm and my leadership abilities center around my slogan: “The Beatings Will Continue Until The Moral Improves.”
Knows how to console others: Oh Yes! I gently tell them to get over it and pull your whine ass together.
Too generous and egoistic: Very much so! I’ll give you freely more shit than you can possibly handle because I am the bestest and smartest.
Takes high pride in oneself: What is there not to have pride in?
Thirsty for praises: Not thirsty. Demanding!
Extraordinary spirit: Nah! I’m going to die one day.
Easily angered: Have you not been reading my stuff? What the Hell’s the matter with you? Go on! Get off my blog you peace loving piece loving dove’s ass.
Angry when provoked: Only to the point of killing slowly and painfully.
Easily jealous: Yes! You flirt with one of my women and... well… read the above.
Observant: About what?
Careful and cautious: Only if the husband is expected home soon.
Thinks quickly: Yep! As fast as a… um… you know… a… A BOLT OF LIGHTNING.
Independent thoughts: No! I’ll stay married.
Loves to lead and to be led: Lead to the dinner table and lead to the bed.
Loves to dream: About what?
Talented in the arts, music and defense: Music, if you call farting reveille music.
Sensitive but not petty: I’ll comfort you if you are below me, but will suck up to you if you have more money.
Poor resistance against illnesses: So far I have beaten everything that has come alone except diabetes and an enlarged prostate.
Learns to relax: I don’t have to learn it come nat…zzzzzzzz.
Hasty and trusty: You can trust that I am hasty during sex. Something like, “It won’t hurt, did it?”
Romantic: OH YEAH! Definitely! I tell the ladies, “You’re eyes are like two hen turds in a bowl of clabber.” Or, “Your ears are as cute as mud-flaps on a gophers ass.
Loving and caring: Okay! Go Ahead!
Loves to make friends: What! Meet someone else to borrow money from me and use my tools. No Thanks!
1. Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
I enjoyed finding this in HoosierGirl's and Brother Dave’sblog.
2. Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months.
3. Pick your month of birth:
September
4. Highlight the traits that apply to you.
Listed all traits — made remarks.
5. Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving a comment for them.
I want tag anymore. I agree with BD, memes should be for those who volunteer their participation.
6. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve done it!
No one tagged me; I’m a volunteer.
Birth Month Traits:
JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.
FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.
APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.
MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.
JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.
JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.
SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.
OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.
NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.
DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.
My birth month is:
SEPTEMBER(Libra): Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.
Loves to joke: What? Hell no! I’m as serious as an inflamed hemorrhoid.
Attractive: OH YEAH!
Suave and caring: As long as you are agreeable as I am.
Brave and fearless: As long as I am bigger and stronger than they are.
Firm and has leadership qualities: I am very firm and my leadership abilities center around my slogan: “The Beatings Will Continue Until The Moral Improves.”
Knows how to console others: Oh Yes! I gently tell them to get over it and pull your whine ass together.
Too generous and egoistic: Very much so! I’ll give you freely more shit than you can possibly handle because I am the bestest and smartest.
Takes high pride in oneself: What is there not to have pride in?
Thirsty for praises: Not thirsty. Demanding!
Extraordinary spirit: Nah! I’m going to die one day.
Easily angered: Have you not been reading my stuff? What the Hell’s the matter with you? Go on! Get off my blog you peace loving piece loving dove’s ass.
Angry when provoked: Only to the point of killing slowly and painfully.
Easily jealous: Yes! You flirt with one of my women and... well… read the above.
Observant: About what?
Careful and cautious: Only if the husband is expected home soon.
Thinks quickly: Yep! As fast as a… um… you know… a… A BOLT OF LIGHTNING.
Independent thoughts: No! I’ll stay married.
Loves to lead and to be led: Lead to the dinner table and lead to the bed.
Loves to dream: About what?
Talented in the arts, music and defense: Music, if you call farting reveille music.
Sensitive but not petty: I’ll comfort you if you are below me, but will suck up to you if you have more money.
Poor resistance against illnesses: So far I have beaten everything that has come alone except diabetes and an enlarged prostate.
Learns to relax: I don’t have to learn it come nat…zzzzzzzz.
Hasty and trusty: You can trust that I am hasty during sex. Something like, “It won’t hurt, did it?”
Romantic: OH YEAH! Definitely! I tell the ladies, “You’re eyes are like two hen turds in a bowl of clabber.” Or, “Your ears are as cute as mud-flaps on a gophers ass.
Loving and caring: Okay! Go Ahead!
Loves to make friends: What! Meet someone else to borrow money from me and use my tools. No Thanks!
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Points To Ponder About Hillary
This was an e-mail I received today from a friend. As it says, Dick Morris worked with the Clintons. He was the one who said that when Hillary said that she had more experience because she had eight years in the White House. Dick said, “So did the baker.”
Subject: Facts to Ponder... What has happened to common sense?
The Democrats are Coming
by Dick Morris, former political advisor to President Bill Clinton
If you happen to see the Bill Clinton five-minute TV ad for Hillary in which he introduces the commercial by saying that he wants to share some things we may not know about Hillary's background . . . beware .
As I was there for most of their presidency and know them, better than just about anyone, I offer a few corrections;
LIE 1. Bill says: 'In law school Hillary worked on legal services for the poor.'
The facts are: Hillary's main extra-curricular activity in law school was helping the Black Panthers, on trial in Connecticut for torturing and killing a federal agent. She went to court every day as part of a law student monitoring committee trying to spot civil rights violations and develop grounds for appeal.
LIE 2. Bill says: 'Hillary spent a year after graduation working on a children's rights project for poor kids.'
The facts are: Hillary interned with Bob Truehaft, the head of the California Communist Party. She met Bob when he represented the Panthers and traveled all the way to San Francisco to take an internship with him.
LIE 3. Bill says: ’Hillary could have written her own job ticket, but she turned down all the lucrative job offers.'
The facts are: She flunked the DC bar exam, yes, flunked, it is a matter of record, and only passed the Arkansas bar. She had no job offers in Arkansas, none, and only got hired by the University of Arkansas Law School at Fayetteville because Bill was already teaching there. She did not join the prestigious Rose Law Firm until Bill became Arkansas Attorney General and was made a partner only after he was elected Arkansas Governor.
LIE 4. Bill says: 'President Carter appointed Hillary to the Legal Services Board of Directors and she became its chairman.'
The facts are: The appointment was in exchange for Bill's support for Carter in his 1980 primary against Ted Kennedy. Hillary then became chairman in a coup in which she won a majority away from Carter's choice to be chairman.
LIE 5. Bill says: 'She served on the board of the Arkansas Children's Hospital.'
The facts are: Yes she did. But, her main board activity, not mentioned by Bill, was to sit on the Wal-Mart board of directors, for a substantial fee. She was silent about their labor and health care practices.
LIE 6. Bill says: ‘Hillary didn’t succeed at getting health care for all Americans in 1994 but she kept working at it and helped to create the Children's Health Insurance Program (CHIP) that provides five million children with health insurance.'
The facts are: Hillary had nothing to do with creating CHIP. It was included in the budget deal between Clinton and Republican Majority Leader Senator Trent Lott. I know; I helped to negotiate the deal. The money came half from the budget deal and half from the Attorney Generals' tobacco settlement. Hillary had nothing to do with either source of funds
LIE 7. Bill says: ’Hillary was the face of America all over the world.'
The facts are: Her visits were part of a program to get her out of town so that Bill would not appear weak by feeding stories that Hillary was running the White House. Her visits abroad were entirely touristic and symbolic and there was no substantive diplomacy on any of them.
LIE 8. Bill says: ’Hillary was an excellent Senator who kept fighting for children's and women’s issues.'
The facts are: Other than totally meaningless legislation like changing the names on courthouses and post offices, she has passed only four substantive pieces of legislation. One set up a national park in Puerto Rico. A second provided respite care for family members helping their relatives through Alzheimer's or other conditions. And two were routine bills to aid 911 victims and responders which were sponsored by the entire NY delegation. Presently she is trying to have the US memorialize the Woodstock fiasco of 40 years ago.
Here is what bothers me more than anything else about Hillary Clinton. She has done everything possible to weaken the President and our country (that's you and me!) when it comes to the war on terror.
1. She wants to close GITMO and move the combatants to the USA where they would have access to our legal system.
2. She wants to eliminate the monitoring of suspected Al Qaeda phone calls to/from the USA.
3. She wants to grant constitutional rights to enemy combatants captured on the battlefield.
4. She wants to eliminate the monitoring of money transfers between suspected Al Qaeda cells and supporters in the USA.
5. She wants to eliminate the type of interrogation tactics used by the military & CIA where coercion might be used when questioning known terrorists even though such tactics might save American lives.
One cannot think of a single bill Hillary has introduced or a single comment she has made that would tend to strengthen our country in the War on Terror.
But, one can think of a lot of comments she has made that weaken our country and makes it a more dangerous situation for all of us.
Bottom line: She goes hand in hand with the ACLU on far too many issues where common sense is abandoned.
Pass this on. Thanks for reading this to the end. MY words: We must not forget these facts so quickly as to sell our Nation short. Thank you GOD for Emails; we could never count on our News media.
I have heard all this before, but this is the first time I have seen it in print by a former Clinton supporter and Democrat. If any of this is wrong, Brother Dave will correct it. I do not intend to mislead, but I do intend to fight Socialism as hard as I can.
Subject: Facts to Ponder... What has happened to common sense?
The Democrats are Coming
by Dick Morris, former political advisor to President Bill Clinton
If you happen to see the Bill Clinton five-minute TV ad for Hillary in which he introduces the commercial by saying that he wants to share some things we may not know about Hillary's background . . . beware .
As I was there for most of their presidency and know them, better than just about anyone, I offer a few corrections;
LIE 1. Bill says: 'In law school Hillary worked on legal services for the poor.'
The facts are: Hillary's main extra-curricular activity in law school was helping the Black Panthers, on trial in Connecticut for torturing and killing a federal agent. She went to court every day as part of a law student monitoring committee trying to spot civil rights violations and develop grounds for appeal.
LIE 2. Bill says: 'Hillary spent a year after graduation working on a children's rights project for poor kids.'
The facts are: Hillary interned with Bob Truehaft, the head of the California Communist Party. She met Bob when he represented the Panthers and traveled all the way to San Francisco to take an internship with him.
LIE 3. Bill says: ’Hillary could have written her own job ticket, but she turned down all the lucrative job offers.'
The facts are: She flunked the DC bar exam, yes, flunked, it is a matter of record, and only passed the Arkansas bar. She had no job offers in Arkansas, none, and only got hired by the University of Arkansas Law School at Fayetteville because Bill was already teaching there. She did not join the prestigious Rose Law Firm until Bill became Arkansas Attorney General and was made a partner only after he was elected Arkansas Governor.
LIE 4. Bill says: 'President Carter appointed Hillary to the Legal Services Board of Directors and she became its chairman.'
The facts are: The appointment was in exchange for Bill's support for Carter in his 1980 primary against Ted Kennedy. Hillary then became chairman in a coup in which she won a majority away from Carter's choice to be chairman.
LIE 5. Bill says: 'She served on the board of the Arkansas Children's Hospital.'
The facts are: Yes she did. But, her main board activity, not mentioned by Bill, was to sit on the Wal-Mart board of directors, for a substantial fee. She was silent about their labor and health care practices.
LIE 6. Bill says: ‘Hillary didn’t succeed at getting health care for all Americans in 1994 but she kept working at it and helped to create the Children's Health Insurance Program (CHIP) that provides five million children with health insurance.'
The facts are: Hillary had nothing to do with creating CHIP. It was included in the budget deal between Clinton and Republican Majority Leader Senator Trent Lott. I know; I helped to negotiate the deal. The money came half from the budget deal and half from the Attorney Generals' tobacco settlement. Hillary had nothing to do with either source of funds
LIE 7. Bill says: ’Hillary was the face of America all over the world.'
The facts are: Her visits were part of a program to get her out of town so that Bill would not appear weak by feeding stories that Hillary was running the White House. Her visits abroad were entirely touristic and symbolic and there was no substantive diplomacy on any of them.
LIE 8. Bill says: ’Hillary was an excellent Senator who kept fighting for children's and women’s issues.'
The facts are: Other than totally meaningless legislation like changing the names on courthouses and post offices, she has passed only four substantive pieces of legislation. One set up a national park in Puerto Rico. A second provided respite care for family members helping their relatives through Alzheimer's or other conditions. And two were routine bills to aid 911 victims and responders which were sponsored by the entire NY delegation. Presently she is trying to have the US memorialize the Woodstock fiasco of 40 years ago.
Here is what bothers me more than anything else about Hillary Clinton. She has done everything possible to weaken the President and our country (that's you and me!) when it comes to the war on terror.
1. She wants to close GITMO and move the combatants to the USA where they would have access to our legal system.
2. She wants to eliminate the monitoring of suspected Al Qaeda phone calls to/from the USA.
3. She wants to grant constitutional rights to enemy combatants captured on the battlefield.
4. She wants to eliminate the monitoring of money transfers between suspected Al Qaeda cells and supporters in the USA.
5. She wants to eliminate the type of interrogation tactics used by the military & CIA where coercion might be used when questioning known terrorists even though such tactics might save American lives.
One cannot think of a single bill Hillary has introduced or a single comment she has made that would tend to strengthen our country in the War on Terror.
But, one can think of a lot of comments she has made that weaken our country and makes it a more dangerous situation for all of us.
Bottom line: She goes hand in hand with the ACLU on far too many issues where common sense is abandoned.
Pass this on. Thanks for reading this to the end. MY words: We must not forget these facts so quickly as to sell our Nation short. Thank you GOD for Emails; we could never count on our News media.
I have heard all this before, but this is the first time I have seen it in print by a former Clinton supporter and Democrat. If any of this is wrong, Brother Dave will correct it. I do not intend to mislead, but I do intend to fight Socialism as hard as I can.
Stress - Don't Want It
Stress training for the day.
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?”
Answers called out ranged from 250g. to 700g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."
"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance."
"In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. "
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow."
"Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you
can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy!"
And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
1 Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
2 Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 Never buy a car you can't push.
9 Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
15 You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to on person.
16 Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
17 We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18 A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed -
Nicholas Chamfort
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?”
Answers called out ranged from 250g. to 700g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."
"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance."
"In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. "
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow."
"Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you
can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy!"
And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
1 Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
2 Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 Never buy a car you can't push.
9 Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
15 You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to on person.
16 Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
17 We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18 A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed -
Nicholas Chamfort
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Back Home Again
It was great. Really busy and fun. I worked in the same precinct that we vote in, and got to meet new neighbors, see friends we don’t normally get to see, and marveled at their choice of parties. I spent most of my time on the “accelerated voter” machines.
This is the machine that initiates and builds your voter card. There is no way to coordinate your vote with any information other than your party choice. So don’t worry about Big Brother knowing how you voted.
I played a game with myself (which I won, by the way) were I would try to guess the party affiliate before I looked them up on the computer. The process is, for those of you who do not vote or do not have computer voting abilities, is you come in the door, go to a table and fill out a card that has your name, address, and, for this election, your party choice (either Dem or Rep – no Ind.) The people at the table will verify that you have filled out your card correctly, they check your photo id, and initial the card. The card is then brought to me. I key in your last name, and your first name if needed. I check the party you are choosing (this determines which names and issues will be loaded on your card for the voting machine,) and hit enter. The card comes out and you take it to the machine. When you insert the card, the needed information comes up on the screen (and your name and stuff is not on the card.) After you have made your choices you touch “Cast Ballot.” The card comes back out and you give it back to me to be used over again. Simple!
But occasionally you have to help some people with the process. We can help them up to the selection screen. We then MUST walk away. You vote is secret, know only to you and God and the little camera I installed behind you. Just kidding! Only you and any person you choose to tell.
We had quiet a few first time voters. High School Seniors came by after school and voted. I was really amazed that almost all of them marked Republican. Maybe there is still a voice for freedom somewhere in the Liberal government run schools. One lady who was born in 1925 (83 years old for you government school graduates) was voting FOR THE FIRST TIME. She was so cute. She was maybe 5’5” and 90 lbs. She talked real loud and tickled me to death. Let me say, first, that we, the pollsters, are not allowed to talk about the candidates, the parties, the issues, anything. We have to be impartial. Some people come in and make comments, but we have to deflect or ignore them. If you keep on talking about what is on the ballot, we have to ask you not to do it or ask them to leave the premises until you can come in a vote ONLY. So this little lady told me she was 83 years old (that’s 1925 for you government school graduates) and that this was her first time voting. She ask if I could make sure she marked her card correctly and said, in her loud voice, “I want to make sure I don’t vote for that Clinton woman or the man with the big ears.” All I could do was tell her that neither of those candidates would be on her ballot and she was free to vote on the Republican ticket. She ask if either of those two were Republicans. I said no, and helped her to the booth. When I turned back to the table, everyone in the place had smiles on their face. No one yelled foul play or anything. They were just as impressed with the lady as I was.
Occasionally, there are some who come in that you want to grab by the collar and slap some since into their thick skulls. A couple move here from Virginia where the have lived for a year and a half – and where they registered to vote. The moved back to the area, brought in a two year old voter registration card and were upset that they couldn’t vote. For your information, if you register in another precinct, town, city, or state, your precinct is notified of your new location and you are taken off the roles in the old place. They didn’t reregister, and thought that having the card would be proof that they had once voted here. They could not get it through their thick skulls that they could only vote in Virginia, if they could get back up there in time.
Enough! I know you are bored for now, but it was a fun and tiring day. Over 13 hours! Plus the delivery and pick up of the machines. The highlight of picking up the machines was the lunch we had at one of the elementary schools. It was such a treat watching the little yard apes get their meals, walk to their tables with all the authority a child can muster and sit at a table. It is their world, after all. They would skip seats and tell a friend to sit across from them. Then I noticed that they had to sit boy, girl, boy, girl. So the girls would try to sit across from each other. The boys didn't care. They were just so damn cute.
Buy! Later!
This is the machine that initiates and builds your voter card. There is no way to coordinate your vote with any information other than your party choice. So don’t worry about Big Brother knowing how you voted.
I played a game with myself (which I won, by the way) were I would try to guess the party affiliate before I looked them up on the computer. The process is, for those of you who do not vote or do not have computer voting abilities, is you come in the door, go to a table and fill out a card that has your name, address, and, for this election, your party choice (either Dem or Rep – no Ind.) The people at the table will verify that you have filled out your card correctly, they check your photo id, and initial the card. The card is then brought to me. I key in your last name, and your first name if needed. I check the party you are choosing (this determines which names and issues will be loaded on your card for the voting machine,) and hit enter. The card comes out and you take it to the machine. When you insert the card, the needed information comes up on the screen (and your name and stuff is not on the card.) After you have made your choices you touch “Cast Ballot.” The card comes back out and you give it back to me to be used over again. Simple!
But occasionally you have to help some people with the process. We can help them up to the selection screen. We then MUST walk away. You vote is secret, know only to you and God and the little camera I installed behind you. Just kidding! Only you and any person you choose to tell.
We had quiet a few first time voters. High School Seniors came by after school and voted. I was really amazed that almost all of them marked Republican. Maybe there is still a voice for freedom somewhere in the Liberal government run schools. One lady who was born in 1925 (83 years old for you government school graduates) was voting FOR THE FIRST TIME. She was so cute. She was maybe 5’5” and 90 lbs. She talked real loud and tickled me to death. Let me say, first, that we, the pollsters, are not allowed to talk about the candidates, the parties, the issues, anything. We have to be impartial. Some people come in and make comments, but we have to deflect or ignore them. If you keep on talking about what is on the ballot, we have to ask you not to do it or ask them to leave the premises until you can come in a vote ONLY. So this little lady told me she was 83 years old (that’s 1925 for you government school graduates) and that this was her first time voting. She ask if I could make sure she marked her card correctly and said, in her loud voice, “I want to make sure I don’t vote for that Clinton woman or the man with the big ears.” All I could do was tell her that neither of those candidates would be on her ballot and she was free to vote on the Republican ticket. She ask if either of those two were Republicans. I said no, and helped her to the booth. When I turned back to the table, everyone in the place had smiles on their face. No one yelled foul play or anything. They were just as impressed with the lady as I was.
Occasionally, there are some who come in that you want to grab by the collar and slap some since into their thick skulls. A couple move here from Virginia where the have lived for a year and a half – and where they registered to vote. The moved back to the area, brought in a two year old voter registration card and were upset that they couldn’t vote. For your information, if you register in another precinct, town, city, or state, your precinct is notified of your new location and you are taken off the roles in the old place. They didn’t reregister, and thought that having the card would be proof that they had once voted here. They could not get it through their thick skulls that they could only vote in Virginia, if they could get back up there in time.
Enough! I know you are bored for now, but it was a fun and tiring day. Over 13 hours! Plus the delivery and pick up of the machines. The highlight of picking up the machines was the lunch we had at one of the elementary schools. It was such a treat watching the little yard apes get their meals, walk to their tables with all the authority a child can muster and sit at a table. It is their world, after all. They would skip seats and tell a friend to sit across from them. Then I noticed that they had to sit boy, girl, boy, girl. So the girls would try to sit across from each other. The boys didn't care. They were just so damn cute.
Buy! Later!
Monday, February 04, 2008
Too Busy To Write
This will be a busy week for me. I am working the elections for Cherokee County, so I won’t be around for you to abuse until Thursday.
Today I was on a truck with two other old geezers delivering and setting up the electronic voting machines. There were ten to twelve machines per precinct. In setting them up, the legs had to be unfolded, pilled out and locked then set upright. I was on and off my knees more times than a Catholic and a Mass marathon.
Then we had to wire the machines for electrical power, then run a steel cable though the handles to keep someone from stealing them. We had ten precincts to deliver. We started at 7:00 a.m. in the pouring rain. We finished at 4:30 in the humid heat well know in the South. I was sweating like a lumberjack whore on payday.
Tomorrow, at 6:00 a.m., I will report to my precinct for my Election Day duties. I have done this before and, although it is a long day, it is fun seeing and meeting the people as they come through. It will end around 9:00 p.m. tomorrow night. Then I will have to go back and pick up the voting machines on Wednesday. Another nine or ten hours.
I’m not complaining, mind you. I enjoy working with the fellows and visiting the schools and churches. But it is more continuous work than I am use too since I have retired. I am soar and stiff right now. And I want be at the computer as much. So be kind to me until I get back and can defend myself.
Later dudes and duddets!
Today I was on a truck with two other old geezers delivering and setting up the electronic voting machines. There were ten to twelve machines per precinct. In setting them up, the legs had to be unfolded, pilled out and locked then set upright. I was on and off my knees more times than a Catholic and a Mass marathon.
Then we had to wire the machines for electrical power, then run a steel cable though the handles to keep someone from stealing them. We had ten precincts to deliver. We started at 7:00 a.m. in the pouring rain. We finished at 4:30 in the humid heat well know in the South. I was sweating like a lumberjack whore on payday.
Tomorrow, at 6:00 a.m., I will report to my precinct for my Election Day duties. I have done this before and, although it is a long day, it is fun seeing and meeting the people as they come through. It will end around 9:00 p.m. tomorrow night. Then I will have to go back and pick up the voting machines on Wednesday. Another nine or ten hours.
I’m not complaining, mind you. I enjoy working with the fellows and visiting the schools and churches. But it is more continuous work than I am use too since I have retired. I am soar and stiff right now. And I want be at the computer as much. So be kind to me until I get back and can defend myself.
Later dudes and duddets!
Sunday, February 03, 2008
I'm Proud
A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be an American.
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be an American.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
I'm A Dork - Really
I’m a dork. I know it. I’m not smart enough to be a geek. Just a dork! Over at RWA’s place, he entertained us with 25 of songs that mean something to him. He did it through a meme. And at my niece (Coffeycup) site, she talks about the arts and music all the time. It is a big part of her life. And at one time it was a big part of my life too. In high school during the late 50’s to early 60’s I lived for the radio. But aside from a few country songs, I have gotten away from the world of arts. Talk Radio is my forte, now.
But there are two songs that I love to hear anytime. Back in the early 50’s my sister bought a HiFi with her first paycheck. She bought us our first television with the next check. Three channels that stayed on till the 11:00 news went off the air. Rabbit ears, snow and fuss. And black-n-white!
But being a kid who loved his cowboy heroes (and their horses) and being at the church door every time it opened, the only place we had then of socializing with the kids our age, I would wonder about the cowboys on the cattle drives. They didn’t have a church to go to. If they died on the trail, or was shot down in a saloon, would they go to hell? Important concerns for a ten year old dork. Anyway, my sister brought some 33 1/3 albums home, and one of them was Vaughn Monroe. In that album I learned that the cowboys had their own way of worshiping. It was through music! To this day this is one of my favorite songs. It brings back memories of a different era and a fun childhood wearing gun belts and imaginary horses and fighting the Indians and bad guys and stuff. Since then, Johnny Cash has made the song famous, being heard on C&W stations all the time. But this was the first:
One of the old westerns stared Dean Martin, Ricky Nelson and John Wayne. Rio Bravo! Dean Martin is one of my favorite singers of yesterday. He made singing look so easy. He never seemed to strain for any note and was just damn cool. But of all the songs he sang on all the movies he was in, this song comes to mind every time I hear his name. Just this one. I still like to her him sing, but this is what comes to mind when I hear Dean Martin.
See! I told you I was a dork. I have a few more, like Cool Water, Rawhide, Flying to the Danger Zone from Top Gun. Now you know why I’m not invited to many parties.
But there are two songs that I love to hear anytime. Back in the early 50’s my sister bought a HiFi with her first paycheck. She bought us our first television with the next check. Three channels that stayed on till the 11:00 news went off the air. Rabbit ears, snow and fuss. And black-n-white!
But being a kid who loved his cowboy heroes (and their horses) and being at the church door every time it opened, the only place we had then of socializing with the kids our age, I would wonder about the cowboys on the cattle drives. They didn’t have a church to go to. If they died on the trail, or was shot down in a saloon, would they go to hell? Important concerns for a ten year old dork. Anyway, my sister brought some 33 1/3 albums home, and one of them was Vaughn Monroe. In that album I learned that the cowboys had their own way of worshiping. It was through music! To this day this is one of my favorite songs. It brings back memories of a different era and a fun childhood wearing gun belts and imaginary horses and fighting the Indians and bad guys and stuff. Since then, Johnny Cash has made the song famous, being heard on C&W stations all the time. But this was the first:
One of the old westerns stared Dean Martin, Ricky Nelson and John Wayne. Rio Bravo! Dean Martin is one of my favorite singers of yesterday. He made singing look so easy. He never seemed to strain for any note and was just damn cool. But of all the songs he sang on all the movies he was in, this song comes to mind every time I hear his name. Just this one. I still like to her him sing, but this is what comes to mind when I hear Dean Martin.
See! I told you I was a dork. I have a few more, like Cool Water, Rawhide, Flying to the Danger Zone from Top Gun. Now you know why I’m not invited to many parties.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
My Tattoo
I don't have a tattoo, yet. But a friend sent this one to me, and I can see me having this one done. NOT!
It's almost nasty, isn't it?
It's almost nasty, isn't it?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
We All Have Our Days
That last post reminded me of a heartwarming story of a man who called home one day from work and his Mexican house keeper answered the phone in her broken English.
“Ola!” she said.
“Let me speak to my wife.” The man said.
“Uh! I’m sorry, Senior. She up on second floor with mailman.”
“WHAT? Why the sluttish whore. Listen, go in my desk drawer, get my gun and shoot both the bastards.”
“But, Senior, I cannot do that. I could get into trouble.”
“Listen you wetback illegal whore, if you don’t do it I am calling Immigration and having you and your whole family deported back to Mexico by night fall.”
“Yes, sir! I will try.”
“Try my ass. Get my gun and shoot both of them, NOW. I’ll wait on the phone until you do it and then I’ll tell you what to do with the gun and who to call.”
“Yes, sir!” And she lays the phone down. A few minuets later he hears a couple of gun shots. Then a pause and two more shots that sounded closer. Then she came back on the phone and said, “It is done.”
"Tell me! Tell me the whole thing. Uh! Why were there two shots so close to the phone?”
“Well, they were in bed and I shot the misses first. But he gringo, he slipped by me and run down steps. I chase him out the patio door and shot him. He fell into the pool.”
“POOL?? What Pool? Is this 555-1253?”
“Ola!” she said.
“Let me speak to my wife.” The man said.
“Uh! I’m sorry, Senior. She up on second floor with mailman.”
“WHAT? Why the sluttish whore. Listen, go in my desk drawer, get my gun and shoot both the bastards.”
“But, Senior, I cannot do that. I could get into trouble.”
“Listen you wetback illegal whore, if you don’t do it I am calling Immigration and having you and your whole family deported back to Mexico by night fall.”
“Yes, sir! I will try.”
“Try my ass. Get my gun and shoot both of them, NOW. I’ll wait on the phone until you do it and then I’ll tell you what to do with the gun and who to call.”
“Yes, sir!” And she lays the phone down. A few minuets later he hears a couple of gun shots. Then a pause and two more shots that sounded closer. Then she came back on the phone and said, “It is done.”
"Tell me! Tell me the whole thing. Uh! Why were there two shots so close to the phone?”
“Well, they were in bed and I shot the misses first. But he gringo, he slipped by me and run down steps. I chase him out the patio door and shot him. He fell into the pool.”
“POOL?? What Pool? Is this 555-1253?”
Bumper Stickers For The Aged
A friend sent me an email with a few bumper stickers from a web site called pccaregivers.com. Nekked Lizard Man also mentioned in a comment somewhere that he should get into the bumper sticker business. Well, NLM, here are a few bumper stickers to help you get started. That is, if you want to take advantage of us infirmed and aged.
I ask my wife if old men wear boxers or briefs.
She said Depends!
I’m so old...
I don’t buy green bananas.
Good by Tension! Hello Pension!
When I was younger, all I wanted was a nice BMW.
Now, I don’t care about the W.
I’m Retired!
I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.
I’m in the initial stages of my golden years.
SS, CD’s, IRS’s, AARP…
Sometimes I pee when I laugh!
I was at the beauty shop for nearly two hours,
And that was only for the estimate.
You know you are getting old when…
You throw a wild party and the neighbors didn’t realize it.
“The secret to staying young is to live honestly…
Eat slowly, and lie about your age.”
I must be getting older…
All the names in my phonebook end with MD
I’m not old.
I’m chronologically gifted.
FLORIDA!
God’s waiting room.
Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
At my age… Flowers scare me!
I’m so old… when I eat out,
They ask for the money up front.
I’m so old… all my friends in Heaven
Will think I didn’t make it.
It ain’t the age, it’s the damn mileage.
Support Bingo!
Keep Grandma off the streets.
When did my wild oats…
Turn into prunes and brand?
Old Age comes at a very bad time.
You know you are getting old when…
Happy Hour is a NAP!
Retirement!
Twice the husband; half the money.
It’s not that I am afraid to die…
I just don’t want to be around when it happens.
I ask my wife if old men wear boxers or briefs.
She said Depends!
I’m so old...
I don’t buy green bananas.
Good by Tension! Hello Pension!
When I was younger, all I wanted was a nice BMW.
Now, I don’t care about the W.
I’m Retired!
I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.
I’m in the initial stages of my golden years.
SS, CD’s, IRS’s, AARP…
Sometimes I pee when I laugh!
I was at the beauty shop for nearly two hours,
And that was only for the estimate.
You know you are getting old when…
You throw a wild party and the neighbors didn’t realize it.
“The secret to staying young is to live honestly…
Eat slowly, and lie about your age.”
I must be getting older…
All the names in my phonebook end with MD
I’m not old.
I’m chronologically gifted.
FLORIDA!
God’s waiting room.
Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
At my age… Flowers scare me!
I’m so old… when I eat out,
They ask for the money up front.
I’m so old… all my friends in Heaven
Will think I didn’t make it.
It ain’t the age, it’s the damn mileage.
Support Bingo!
Keep Grandma off the streets.
When did my wild oats…
Turn into prunes and brand?
Old Age comes at a very bad time.
You know you are getting old when…
Happy Hour is a NAP!
Retirement!
Twice the husband; half the money.
It’s not that I am afraid to die…
I just don’t want to be around when it happens.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Men and Womens Brains
This will explain a great deal about the two different brain thought patterns of men and women.
Any thoughts on the subject?
Any thoughts on the subject?
Thursday, January 24, 2008
I'm Off Again
I’m off again. This time I am leaving tonight for two locations in upper New York. I am delivering a load of puppies to the booming metropolis of Niskayuna, NY and a few dogs to the sister metropolis of Menands, NY. It is, according to MapQuest, a 16 hour drive to Niskayuna and a twenty-three minuets to Menands.
From there I am going to Murry Hill, NJ, (another three hours) to spend the night with Sweet Tea. She will be driving back with me on Saturday. Poor thing! She will be home until Valentines Day (I hope,) when she will be leaving for Paris, France, or a couple of weeks for training on a new system.
We live in a huge house (I’ll show you pictures one day) that echoes a lot. I’m not one of those men who NEEDS to have a woman to be around. I do my own laundry (even when she is here) and I clean the house pretty much without being asked (TOLD.) I can fix something to eat, although I don’t cook any serious shit. But it seems more complete when she is here yelling at me.
Oh, well! Such is the life of a professional working with an international company. I’m proud of her and her accomplishments, but I also like to scrooch up to her at night, too.
In the meantime, I will transport the dogs and puppies to far and exotic locations, and try to keep the peeing down to a manageable few hours between stops.
See y’all when I get back on Saturday night. TaTa!
From there I am going to Murry Hill, NJ, (another three hours) to spend the night with Sweet Tea. She will be driving back with me on Saturday. Poor thing! She will be home until Valentines Day (I hope,) when she will be leaving for Paris, France, or a couple of weeks for training on a new system.
We live in a huge house (I’ll show you pictures one day) that echoes a lot. I’m not one of those men who NEEDS to have a woman to be around. I do my own laundry (even when she is here) and I clean the house pretty much without being asked (TOLD.) I can fix something to eat, although I don’t cook any serious shit. But it seems more complete when she is here yelling at me.
Oh, well! Such is the life of a professional working with an international company. I’m proud of her and her accomplishments, but I also like to scrooch up to her at night, too.
In the meantime, I will transport the dogs and puppies to far and exotic locations, and try to keep the peeing down to a manageable few hours between stops.
See y’all when I get back on Saturday night. TaTa!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
I'm The Man and She's The Woman
Thanks to gawilli for sending this to me. It has been around for some time, but it is closer to the truth of Sweet Tea and me.
Now you know the real truth.
But there is another side, too. How about the woman? Well, let's see:
Now chose your side.
Now you know the real truth.
But there is another side, too. How about the woman? Well, let's see:
Now chose your side.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Retirement Reminders
I received this in my email today and, with minor adjustments that are obvious, I am sending it to you for your Monday chuckle. Or to piss you off. Depending on which sex you are.
Subject: RETIREMENT REMINDERS
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Coffeypot. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Sweet Tea. When I took 'early retirement' last year, it became necessary for Sweet Tea to get a full-time job along with her part- time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sweet Tea. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy, though. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed, Coffeypot
EDITOR'S NOTE: Coffeypot died suddenly on January 21st. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his behind, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Sweet Tea was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.
Subject: RETIREMENT REMINDERS
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Coffeypot. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Sweet Tea. When I took 'early retirement' last year, it became necessary for Sweet Tea to get a full-time job along with her part- time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sweet Tea. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy, though. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed, Coffeypot
EDITOR'S NOTE: Coffeypot died suddenly on January 21st. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his behind, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Sweet Tea was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Our New Government Seal
UPDATE: I sent this out to some non-blogging friends and Sweet Tea via email. Sweet Tea sent me back a message saying she felt soooo 'tupid. She couldn't figure how a children’s wading pool had anything to do with the government. Then it hit her. In her defense, folks, it has been a long time...
Official Announcement:
The New Official Government Seal
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than this.
Official Announcement:
The New Official Government Seal
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than this.
Friday, January 18, 2008
I Ain't Petty Necked Anymore
One of my many admirers, whose numbers can be counted on one hand, emailed this to me. It is soooo me. So, if you can keep your food down, here it is. Again, I’m not good enough to link to this so you will have to cut and paste. But it is worth it.
http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20071221/MULTIMEDIA/283841756
Thanks, Tina!
http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20071221/MULTIMEDIA/283841756
Thanks, Tina!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Another Year Has Passed But I Haven't Yet
The years are really flying by now. I can feel it, too. This is a poem sent to me that might help you to understand me more than any meme's could. Enjoy!
Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.
I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,
But lots of things that come to mind
Just makes me kind of sad.
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'.
We used to go to friends homes
For baseball games and lunches,
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.
We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags;
Come home and take a pill.
We used to travel often
To places near and far.
Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.
We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.
That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you get too old!!
Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.
I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,
But lots of things that come to mind
Just makes me kind of sad.
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'.
We used to go to friends homes
For baseball games and lunches,
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.
We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags;
Come home and take a pill.
We used to travel often
To places near and far.
Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.
We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.
That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you get too old!!
Monday, January 14, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Grannydot Is Finally Happy
EDIT: Sweet Tea was having a slow moment at work today and sent me this email. She thinks I am on withdrawel after two months of GrannyDot.
Hi,
Since you are "playing" on the computer, I just thought I would mention that I need a nap…. I am tired, and ready for hibernation. It says on the news on Sunday it will be a high of 20 degrees. BRRR!!! Just thought I would drop a short note to let you know I am tired….
And to make you feel better because I know you missed this:
Could you go to Rite Aid and by me some gas X because the other stores brands aren't the same. And can you go to Wal-Mart and get me some pepsid AC for my heart burn. And then can you go to Kroger's to pick up some fiber substitute to help me go to the bathroom.. And can you go to the nature health store to get me some medicine for my gas. On the way back can you go to the pharmacy and get my prescriptions filled. Also I need some yogurt and some ice cream and some candy.
Also I am almost out of toilet paper in the bathroom because the package of 12 you bought yesterday is gone….
Do you feel better now???
ILU
Grannydot is as happy as a pig in shit. She has cancer. Normally that is not something I would see as being funny, but we are talking about Dot, the epitome of hypochondriac symptoms.
Just before she came down to spend November and December with us; she had a spot on her right cheek removed. If you look real close on the picture you will see a red spot just under her right eye and to the side of her nose. This is after almost two months of healing. There was an ugly hole there when she first came down that she doctored and covered up with Band-Aids (every hour.) She would ask me if it looked bad. Me! She would ask me. I would tell her that until people started puking and little kids started running away screaming, not to worry about it. Anyway, when she returned home there was a message for her to come into the doctor’s office. That is when she learned of the cancer.
Sweet Tea, who is in New Jersey for the month of January, stopped by to visit her and she said Grannydot was almost happy. She actually has a problem that is not in her head and she can brag to the other people in her building about her affliction. I think she has even forgotten about the Restless Leg Syndrome she said she had after seeing it on television one night. I know her Diverticulitis went away as soon as she discovered McDonalds put nuts in their yogurt – which she can eat now, along with her nightly bowl of ice-cream, since her Lactose Intolerance maliciously (her term, not mine) cleared up after they prayed for her in church.
She told Sweet Tea, “You remember how my nose would bleed when I blew it? It was on the other side of the cancer spot, but I think the cancer has spread behind my nose to the left side, and is in my nose now.” It didn’t matter that the air was probably too dry in the house, and the heat was up so much it would dry a wet-wipe into brittleness in two minuets. She asked me, again, silly woman, how she could stop her nose from bleeding every time she blew it. I told her to quit blowing it. Have you ever seen an 83 year old squatty body woman shoot someone a bird? I don’t know if her hand was shaking from her laughing, being mad at me, an orgasm or palsy, but it was funny.
But she is having a ball calling everyone and telling them that she is going to have to go back in and have the spot cut on again. There is another small spot that they think they missed from the last surgery. Not spreading, but just missed. She even told Uncle Sherm that shy might have to have her nose cut off.
She gets so mad when someone questions her about her problems and the amount of medications she takes. So now she actually has something to show them and she is beside herself. I think she should celebrate with a bowl of butter-pecan ice-cream, don’t you?
Hi,
Since you are "playing" on the computer, I just thought I would mention that I need a nap…. I am tired, and ready for hibernation. It says on the news on Sunday it will be a high of 20 degrees. BRRR!!! Just thought I would drop a short note to let you know I am tired….
And to make you feel better because I know you missed this:
Could you go to Rite Aid and by me some gas X because the other stores brands aren't the same. And can you go to Wal-Mart and get me some pepsid AC for my heart burn. And then can you go to Kroger's to pick up some fiber substitute to help me go to the bathroom.. And can you go to the nature health store to get me some medicine for my gas. On the way back can you go to the pharmacy and get my prescriptions filled. Also I need some yogurt and some ice cream and some candy.
Also I am almost out of toilet paper in the bathroom because the package of 12 you bought yesterday is gone….
Do you feel better now???
ILU
Grannydot is as happy as a pig in shit. She has cancer. Normally that is not something I would see as being funny, but we are talking about Dot, the epitome of hypochondriac symptoms.
Just before she came down to spend November and December with us; she had a spot on her right cheek removed. If you look real close on the picture you will see a red spot just under her right eye and to the side of her nose. This is after almost two months of healing. There was an ugly hole there when she first came down that she doctored and covered up with Band-Aids (every hour.) She would ask me if it looked bad. Me! She would ask me. I would tell her that until people started puking and little kids started running away screaming, not to worry about it. Anyway, when she returned home there was a message for her to come into the doctor’s office. That is when she learned of the cancer.
Sweet Tea, who is in New Jersey for the month of January, stopped by to visit her and she said Grannydot was almost happy. She actually has a problem that is not in her head and she can brag to the other people in her building about her affliction. I think she has even forgotten about the Restless Leg Syndrome she said she had after seeing it on television one night. I know her Diverticulitis went away as soon as she discovered McDonalds put nuts in their yogurt – which she can eat now, along with her nightly bowl of ice-cream, since her Lactose Intolerance maliciously (her term, not mine) cleared up after they prayed for her in church.
She told Sweet Tea, “You remember how my nose would bleed when I blew it? It was on the other side of the cancer spot, but I think the cancer has spread behind my nose to the left side, and is in my nose now.” It didn’t matter that the air was probably too dry in the house, and the heat was up so much it would dry a wet-wipe into brittleness in two minuets. She asked me, again, silly woman, how she could stop her nose from bleeding every time she blew it. I told her to quit blowing it. Have you ever seen an 83 year old squatty body woman shoot someone a bird? I don’t know if her hand was shaking from her laughing, being mad at me, an orgasm or palsy, but it was funny.
But she is having a ball calling everyone and telling them that she is going to have to go back in and have the spot cut on again. There is another small spot that they think they missed from the last surgery. Not spreading, but just missed. She even told Uncle Sherm that shy might have to have her nose cut off.
She gets so mad when someone questions her about her problems and the amount of medications she takes. So now she actually has something to show them and she is beside herself. I think she should celebrate with a bowl of butter-pecan ice-cream, don’t you?
Friday, January 11, 2008
Ponderings and Comments
My bloging buddy, Nekked Lizard Man, posted some ponderings that keep him awake at night. I found a few more that should really keep him snoozingly impaired. Plus a few good comments, too. So, here ‘tis:
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in', but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
ALSO
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't drink and drive; you might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Time's fun when you're having flies. [Kermit the Frog]
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi.
Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.
GUN CONTROL: using both hands!
The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist."
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in', but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
ALSO
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't drink and drive; you might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Time's fun when you're having flies. [Kermit the Frog]
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi.
Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.
GUN CONTROL: using both hands!
The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist."
Thursday, January 10, 2008
MEME of 4's
I was tagged by Mary Stebbins Taitt over at No Polar Coordinates to do this meme. It is a List of fours.
1) 4 Jobs you have had:
1. Coca Cola Route Salesman/Sales Manager
2. Route Salesman selling Draft Beer.
3. Line Production Supervisor in Blow Mold Plastic Industry.
4. Financial Analyst.
2) 4 Jobs you would like to have had:
1. Lawyer.
2. FBI or CIA Agent
3. Professional Hit Man for the Mafia or the Government or the IRS.
4. Quality Control Inspector in a Whore House.
3) 4 Places I have lived:
1. Atlanta, Georgia
2. Long Beach, California
3. Smyrna/Marietta, Georgia
4. In my own dream world.
4) 4 Places I have been on vacation:
1. The Orlando tourist trap area.
2. Charleston, SC
3. Savannah, GA
4. All over the Caribbean.
5) 4 Places I would like to be now instead of here:
1. At sea on a cruse with Sweet Tea and the grandkids.
2. Japan
3. In the quality control room at the Whore House.
4. Where ever my mind takes me.
6) 4 Favorite foods:
1. Hamburgers
2. Spring Salads with grilled chicken breast.
3. Mexican.
4. Steaks.
7) 4 Things I like to do?
1. Read.
2. Do Crossword Puzzles
3. Beat the wife.
4. Get Christmas Cards from the Emergency Room personnel where I go for treatment after I beat the wife. She doesn’t go for it much.
4 People who might or might not respond in kind.
George Bush, Dali Lama, O.J. Simpson, Dr. Phill
1) 4 Jobs you have had:
1. Coca Cola Route Salesman/Sales Manager
2. Route Salesman selling Draft Beer.
3. Line Production Supervisor in Blow Mold Plastic Industry.
4. Financial Analyst.
2) 4 Jobs you would like to have had:
1. Lawyer.
2. FBI or CIA Agent
3. Professional Hit Man for the Mafia or the Government or the IRS.
4. Quality Control Inspector in a Whore House.
3) 4 Places I have lived:
1. Atlanta, Georgia
2. Long Beach, California
3. Smyrna/Marietta, Georgia
4. In my own dream world.
4) 4 Places I have been on vacation:
1. The Orlando tourist trap area.
2. Charleston, SC
3. Savannah, GA
4. All over the Caribbean.
5) 4 Places I would like to be now instead of here:
1. At sea on a cruse with Sweet Tea and the grandkids.
2. Japan
3. In the quality control room at the Whore House.
4. Where ever my mind takes me.
6) 4 Favorite foods:
1. Hamburgers
2. Spring Salads with grilled chicken breast.
3. Mexican.
4. Steaks.
7) 4 Things I like to do?
1. Read.
2. Do Crossword Puzzles
3. Beat the wife.
4. Get Christmas Cards from the Emergency Room personnel where I go for treatment after I beat the wife. She doesn’t go for it much.
4 People who might or might not respond in kind.
George Bush, Dali Lama, O.J. Simpson, Dr. Phill
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
I See
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend with the boys and spent most of his paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be just fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be just fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
What's In A Name
I got this from Teri over at Family Tree Junkie.
Then, again, there is this one:
Which one is more me?
| What John Means |
 You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. |
Then, again, there is this one:
| What Coffeypot Means |
You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings. You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun. Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. You are influential and persuasive. You tend to have a lot of power over people. Generally, you use your powers for good. You excel at solving other people's problems. Occasionally, you do get a little selfish and persuade people to do things that are only in your interest. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. |
Which one is more me?
Monday, January 07, 2008
For the Want of a Few Good Laughs
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!!”
___
A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head!"
____
ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING:
Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall
My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big tits."
___
STRENGTH EXERCISES FOR SENIORS
It just might work for some others too!
I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.
It seems so easy; I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potatoe sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!!”
___
A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head!"
____
ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING:
Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall
My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big tits."
___
STRENGTH EXERCISES FOR SENIORS
It just might work for some others too!
I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.
It seems so easy; I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potatoe sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
If Abbott and Costello Were Here Now
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business…what do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's jus t say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few days later....
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START!”
It would have had more meaning if Abbott had an accent from India.
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business…what do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's jus t say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few days later....
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START!”
It would have had more meaning if Abbott had an accent from India.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Another Me Me For You You
I have been tagged to do this meme. I am suppose to link to the person(s) that tagged me, but I don’t know how to link, yet, so I’ll just say that Special K tagged me. Thank you, sweetie!
Post the rules on your blog.
Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog, tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
1. I cannot just sit and watch TV. I have to be doing something else like working a crossword puzzle or reading or jacking off or doodling on a TV Guide or blogging.
2. When I’m on a transport I listen to audio books.
3. I hated high school and wasn’t too fond of college, either, though I did enjoy working on my MBA.
4. I suffer with clinical depression. Nothing drastic! It’s more like what’s the use in doing this or that. And I have a problem with believing people actually like me. I guess I’ve been the recipient of too many back-stabbings and lack of loyalty to believe anything else.
5. And despite the above, I love to laugh and hear people laugh. And absolutely nothing is too sacred to not be made fun of or joked about. Including me! And I have found some of the funniest people I have ever read on this blog. You people are funnier than paid professionals and I enjoy your company.
6. I want to go back to Japan and Hong Kong to see the stuff I couldn’t afford to see as a sailor.
7. I’m the worlds oldest male lesbian. So much so that I have to garble with Drano to get the hair clog out of my throat.
That’s it for now. I'm suppose to tag 7 of you, but fuck it. The chain stops here. I won’t tag anyone else. But if you would like to volunteer, be my guest.
I love reading about you people. Your lives, the good and the bad, and you are all so interesting. I’ve laughed out loud; had a tear roll down my cheek; and I have had the desire to hug some of you.
TTFN!
Post the rules on your blog.
Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog, tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
1. I cannot just sit and watch TV. I have to be doing something else like working a crossword puzzle or reading or jacking off or doodling on a TV Guide or blogging.
2. When I’m on a transport I listen to audio books.
3. I hated high school and wasn’t too fond of college, either, though I did enjoy working on my MBA.
4. I suffer with clinical depression. Nothing drastic! It’s more like what’s the use in doing this or that. And I have a problem with believing people actually like me. I guess I’ve been the recipient of too many back-stabbings and lack of loyalty to believe anything else.
5. And despite the above, I love to laugh and hear people laugh. And absolutely nothing is too sacred to not be made fun of or joked about. Including me! And I have found some of the funniest people I have ever read on this blog. You people are funnier than paid professionals and I enjoy your company.
6. I want to go back to Japan and Hong Kong to see the stuff I couldn’t afford to see as a sailor.
7. I’m the worlds oldest male lesbian. So much so that I have to garble with Drano to get the hair clog out of my throat.
That’s it for now. I'm suppose to tag 7 of you, but fuck it. The chain stops here. I won’t tag anyone else. But if you would like to volunteer, be my guest.
I love reading about you people. Your lives, the good and the bad, and you are all so interesting. I’ve laughed out loud; had a tear roll down my cheek; and I have had the desire to hug some of you.
TTFN!
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
July Andrews Ain't Old
I got this in an email and I thought you might like to see it. It seems to be more about women, but I can relate to a bunch of this stuff.
Julie Andrews - It takes a good sense of humor to grow old.....
It wouldn't be funny if it wasn’t so true... Julie Andrews turned 69.
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music." Here are the actual lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth and glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.
Julie Andrews - It takes a good sense of humor to grow old.....
It wouldn't be funny if it wasn’t so true... Julie Andrews turned 69.
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music." Here are the actual lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth and glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Dot Will Leave - Yahoo
This is Dot, the love child of Jabba the Hut and the Wicked Witch of the West.
Just two more days and Grannydot will be gone. That’s good, but the best thing is, I’m not in jail. I try to be understanding and realize she is eighty three and all, but still…
She is the most self-centered person I have ever met. And she is nutty as a fruitcake, too.
Take for instance the night we went to see J-Man in his first band concert. We stopped for fast food because of the time. She had never had Chic-Fillet chicken sandwich and didn’t know what to order. So she looked at the menu and chose the biggest meal they offer. Sweet Tea told me what she wanted and added a fried peach pie to order. GD had to have one, too. Okay! I can live with that – if she would eat everything she ordered. But you guessed it, she at the peach pie first. Then complained that she had heartburn and wanted a stick of gum to make it go away. Just like Diet Pepsi stops her throat from clogging up when she eats pepper.
Because of Friday night traffic we were running a little late, so I told her to just sit on the front row of the gym bleachers. Well! She’ll have me know that she can climb a few steps. “Dot,” I said, “there are no railings to hold on too.” She said she that I could help her up the steps. I told her I would help her alright. I would stick my finger up her ass and march her up the steps to the top tier on her tiptoes. She said, “You just try if, mister.” I told her not to worry; I wouldn’t do that to my finger. She ended up sitting in a chair on the gym floor. Fuck with me!
She takes pills. When she dies the pill company will have to lay off twenty people. She takes pills to thin her blood because of a triple by-pass she had. That is okay. Not a problem. But she takes pills to make her shit, and pills to soften her stools and pills to stop the gas, and pills to help her cholesterol, and pills to help her digest her food and pills to help her eyes and pills for every occassion know to man that I never heard of. I ask her why she takes pills to make her shit and pills to stop gas buildup, and pills to help her see (fish oil peels.) She said her doctor said she needed them. I told her I think her body is confused. It doesn’t know rather to shit or go blind. She said I wasn’t’ a doctor and to mind my own business. I would if it wasn’t costing me a fortune in Rx and toilet paper. It is absolutely amazing how one little woman can go thought so much tp. Rolls and rolls! Of course she does have a huge ass.
For Christmas, we did something different this year and it was fun. Everyone who came over had to bring three gifts totaling less that $100. One of the gifts had to be a “white elephant” gag gift. Then we all drew numbers to see who gets the first gift. The second person can either take an unopened present from the pile or take the one the person before you had opened. Then the number one person draws another present. It’s fun, believe me. When it came to be Dot’s turn she chose the biggest box on the floor simply because she wanted to have the biggest present. Appropriately, it was a gag gift that had a Sponge Bob Square Pants toilet seat and two towels rolled up to look like a butt with a tootsie roll sticking out. She was pissed, but tried not to show it. Amber’s boyfriend, Bob, felt sorry for her (he's a liberal, ya know) and took it on his turn. I ask her why she chose something so big when she wouldn’t be able to take it on the plane when she went home. She said I could mail it to her. I said why don’t I mail her, it’s cheaper than a ticket. She pretended not to hear me. She is also selectively deaf, too.
Oh! There are many more “conversations” we have had, but I think you get the drift. She loves me and thinks I’m funny. I’m not! I’m as serious as an inflamed hemorrhoid. But she will be gone on Tuesday. Unfortunately Sweet Tea will, too. She will be in Murray Hill, NJ, for most of January. I do have another transport going to NJ and to NY on the 2nd, and I will stop and have lunch with ST, but Grannydot is out of my hair – till next Christmas. Pray for me!
Just two more days and Grannydot will be gone. That’s good, but the best thing is, I’m not in jail. I try to be understanding and realize she is eighty three and all, but still…
She is the most self-centered person I have ever met. And she is nutty as a fruitcake, too.
Take for instance the night we went to see J-Man in his first band concert. We stopped for fast food because of the time. She had never had Chic-Fillet chicken sandwich and didn’t know what to order. So she looked at the menu and chose the biggest meal they offer. Sweet Tea told me what she wanted and added a fried peach pie to order. GD had to have one, too. Okay! I can live with that – if she would eat everything she ordered. But you guessed it, she at the peach pie first. Then complained that she had heartburn and wanted a stick of gum to make it go away. Just like Diet Pepsi stops her throat from clogging up when she eats pepper.
Because of Friday night traffic we were running a little late, so I told her to just sit on the front row of the gym bleachers. Well! She’ll have me know that she can climb a few steps. “Dot,” I said, “there are no railings to hold on too.” She said she that I could help her up the steps. I told her I would help her alright. I would stick my finger up her ass and march her up the steps to the top tier on her tiptoes. She said, “You just try if, mister.” I told her not to worry; I wouldn’t do that to my finger. She ended up sitting in a chair on the gym floor. Fuck with me!
She takes pills. When she dies the pill company will have to lay off twenty people. She takes pills to thin her blood because of a triple by-pass she had. That is okay. Not a problem. But she takes pills to make her shit, and pills to soften her stools and pills to stop the gas, and pills to help her cholesterol, and pills to help her digest her food and pills to help her eyes and pills for every occassion know to man that I never heard of. I ask her why she takes pills to make her shit and pills to stop gas buildup, and pills to help her see (fish oil peels.) She said her doctor said she needed them. I told her I think her body is confused. It doesn’t know rather to shit or go blind. She said I wasn’t’ a doctor and to mind my own business. I would if it wasn’t costing me a fortune in Rx and toilet paper. It is absolutely amazing how one little woman can go thought so much tp. Rolls and rolls! Of course she does have a huge ass.
For Christmas, we did something different this year and it was fun. Everyone who came over had to bring three gifts totaling less that $100. One of the gifts had to be a “white elephant” gag gift. Then we all drew numbers to see who gets the first gift. The second person can either take an unopened present from the pile or take the one the person before you had opened. Then the number one person draws another present. It’s fun, believe me. When it came to be Dot’s turn she chose the biggest box on the floor simply because she wanted to have the biggest present. Appropriately, it was a gag gift that had a Sponge Bob Square Pants toilet seat and two towels rolled up to look like a butt with a tootsie roll sticking out. She was pissed, but tried not to show it. Amber’s boyfriend, Bob, felt sorry for her (he's a liberal, ya know) and took it on his turn. I ask her why she chose something so big when she wouldn’t be able to take it on the plane when she went home. She said I could mail it to her. I said why don’t I mail her, it’s cheaper than a ticket. She pretended not to hear me. She is also selectively deaf, too.
Oh! There are many more “conversations” we have had, but I think you get the drift. She loves me and thinks I’m funny. I’m not! I’m as serious as an inflamed hemorrhoid. But she will be gone on Tuesday. Unfortunately Sweet Tea will, too. She will be in Murray Hill, NJ, for most of January. I do have another transport going to NJ and to NY on the 2nd, and I will stop and have lunch with ST, but Grannydot is out of my hair – till next Christmas. Pray for me!
Monday, December 24, 2007
A Little Humor For You
This lady is hilarious. It's my intent to give you a little humor before the start of the Christmas celebrations.
UPDATE: Did y'all not go to the site blow? You have to copy and paste, but Mrs. Hughes is hilarious.
http://crackle.com/c/High_Wire/Mrs_hughes_skewed_views/2041059/#ml=o%3D15%26fc%3D25%26fx%3D
Also, this is some experts from one of the funniest game shows ever put on television. Hollywood Squares with Paul Lynde, Charley Weaver and the gang.
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when “Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
UPDATE: Did y'all not go to the site blow? You have to copy and paste, but Mrs. Hughes is hilarious.
http://crackle.com/c/High_Wire/Mrs_hughes_skewed_views/2041059/#ml=o%3D15%26fc%3D25%26fx%3D
Also, this is some experts from one of the funniest game shows ever put on television. Hollywood Squares with Paul Lynde, Charley Weaver and the gang.
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when “Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
Friday, December 21, 2007
My Christmas Story
This is my Christmas story. It’s very moving, so, if you are the emotional type, stop reading now.
Little Johnny came up to his mother and asked, “Mama, what am I going to get for Christmas?”
Mama said, “Not a damn thing. You’ve been a little shit all year long.”
Little Johnny whined, “But mmaaaa maaaaa, it’s Christmas.”
Mama said, “Okay! Since the real meaning of Christmas it the celebration of the Baby Jesus’ birthday I want you to go to your room and write the Baby Jesus a letter telling him how bad your have been all year and how you are going to change. Then, if He likes the letter you MIGHT get something for Christmas.”
He takes off to his room, sits at his desk with a pencil and paper and prints, “Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a bad boy all year long and I promise that for the next 6 months I’ll…”
He pauses and thinks, “That is an awfully long time. Maybe I had better not commit to such a long time. He wads the paper into a ball and flings it over his shoulder, and begins again.
“Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a bad boy all year, but I promise that for the next month I’ll…” He stops and thinks to himself, “This is December and we have Christmas parties at school and church and New Years Eve parties, too. I’d better not commit to that length of time, either.” So he wads that paper up and slings it over his shoulder, and starts again.
“Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a bad boy all year long, but I promise that for the next…” He rips the paper up and wads it into a ball thinking, “Ah, hell! He knows me better than that.”
He runs down to the Nativity scene and grabs the Big V (Mary) and runs back to his room, locks her in his desk drawer and writes, “Dear Baby Jesus, If you ever want to see your mother again…”
Sniff, sniff. It gets to me every year.
Little Johnny came up to his mother and asked, “Mama, what am I going to get for Christmas?”
Mama said, “Not a damn thing. You’ve been a little shit all year long.”
Little Johnny whined, “But mmaaaa maaaaa, it’s Christmas.”
Mama said, “Okay! Since the real meaning of Christmas it the celebration of the Baby Jesus’ birthday I want you to go to your room and write the Baby Jesus a letter telling him how bad your have been all year and how you are going to change. Then, if He likes the letter you MIGHT get something for Christmas.”
He takes off to his room, sits at his desk with a pencil and paper and prints, “Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a bad boy all year long and I promise that for the next 6 months I’ll…”
He pauses and thinks, “That is an awfully long time. Maybe I had better not commit to such a long time. He wads the paper into a ball and flings it over his shoulder, and begins again.
“Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a bad boy all year, but I promise that for the next month I’ll…” He stops and thinks to himself, “This is December and we have Christmas parties at school and church and New Years Eve parties, too. I’d better not commit to that length of time, either.” So he wads that paper up and slings it over his shoulder, and starts again.
“Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a bad boy all year long, but I promise that for the next…” He rips the paper up and wads it into a ball thinking, “Ah, hell! He knows me better than that.”
He runs down to the Nativity scene and grabs the Big V (Mary) and runs back to his room, locks her in his desk drawer and writes, “Dear Baby Jesus, If you ever want to see your mother again…”
Sniff, sniff. It gets to me every year.
Monday, December 17, 2007
The Final Santa Show - Unless
As I promised, this is the last of the Santa stuff, but I wanted you to see my buddies.
This is Brie and Gabby. They are, like all my animals, rescue dogs. Brie, the white one, is a Great Pyrenees/Golden Lab mix (around 110lbs.) Dr. Amber called us to say that the mother and her 3 brothers and sisters were going to be adopted. All but one. She didn’t care which one we chose, but do it that day because a rescue organization who place them was going to pick up the others. When we got there Brie walked over and sat down on Sweet Tea’s foot and would not get up. She chose us. Gabby, a Chocolate Lab (90 lbs.), had been left chained to a tree with 10 puppies. The owners had moved away. She had scars from fighting something, and was heart worm positive. We worked with her and she’s fine now.
These two are Nancy and Jo Jo. Nancy is a boy and Jo is a girl. The original owner couldn’t tell the difference and though he was a she – thus Nancy. Jo was tied with a rope outside Pet Smart and abandoned. Becasue she was so scared and abused, no one could get near her. Except Sweet Tea, who just happened to be there dropping off lunch to Amber and her rescue workers. The same thing happened to me when I met her. She's that kind of woman. So we brought Jo home. When Dr. Amber said she would keep the dogs at her place until we could get the house sold, Nancy ran up to greet Jo and they have been inseparable BBFs ever since. So I guess I inherited a new pet.
I will be leaving tomorrow night after J-Man’s band recital to deliver 32 puppies to West Palm and Boca Raton, Florida. I’ll start around midnight and try to make it a turnaround trip (without stopping at a motel,) some twenty hours. Just depends on how I feel, the traffic, and those cell phone drivers.
Then, either Friday or Saturday, I will be driving up to Goshin, Indiana to pick up a dog that Dr. Amber adopted out about two years ago. It became separated from the owner and a kind lady found the dog and took it to the vet. The vet found the chip in the dogs neck. She got the information and called Dr. Amber to let her know she had the dog. Dr. A called the owner of record who said they didn’t want the dog. So someone has to pick it up. She was going to drive up, but with the snow and shit up that way, I told her I would do it.
So my week will be pretty full, but the good thing is, you won’t have to put up with my shit for a few days. I can hear the yelling and whistling from here. But I promise to return with a vengeance. Besides, I have to tell you about Grannydot. Let’s just say two or three days on the road without the whining and complaining will be heaven.
I might try to tell you tomorrow before I leave – or not. Be good, folks. I do have a couple of pictures of two pugs that visited Santa for Marni and Lori. But Lori is have some problems with her Pugsley, and I don't want to maker feel any worse than she already does. So, when she says it's oaky, I'll let you see the two pugs. THEN it will be all the Santa pictures. Except maybe the one where I had to get on the floor for my Play Girl pose because the dog would not let anyone pick it up.
Later, Gator!
This is Brie and Gabby. They are, like all my animals, rescue dogs. Brie, the white one, is a Great Pyrenees/Golden Lab mix (around 110lbs.) Dr. Amber called us to say that the mother and her 3 brothers and sisters were going to be adopted. All but one. She didn’t care which one we chose, but do it that day because a rescue organization who place them was going to pick up the others. When we got there Brie walked over and sat down on Sweet Tea’s foot and would not get up. She chose us. Gabby, a Chocolate Lab (90 lbs.), had been left chained to a tree with 10 puppies. The owners had moved away. She had scars from fighting something, and was heart worm positive. We worked with her and she’s fine now.
These two are Nancy and Jo Jo. Nancy is a boy and Jo is a girl. The original owner couldn’t tell the difference and though he was a she – thus Nancy. Jo was tied with a rope outside Pet Smart and abandoned. Becasue she was so scared and abused, no one could get near her. Except Sweet Tea, who just happened to be there dropping off lunch to Amber and her rescue workers. The same thing happened to me when I met her. She's that kind of woman. So we brought Jo home. When Dr. Amber said she would keep the dogs at her place until we could get the house sold, Nancy ran up to greet Jo and they have been inseparable BBFs ever since. So I guess I inherited a new pet.
I will be leaving tomorrow night after J-Man’s band recital to deliver 32 puppies to West Palm and Boca Raton, Florida. I’ll start around midnight and try to make it a turnaround trip (without stopping at a motel,) some twenty hours. Just depends on how I feel, the traffic, and those cell phone drivers.
Then, either Friday or Saturday, I will be driving up to Goshin, Indiana to pick up a dog that Dr. Amber adopted out about two years ago. It became separated from the owner and a kind lady found the dog and took it to the vet. The vet found the chip in the dogs neck. She got the information and called Dr. Amber to let her know she had the dog. Dr. A called the owner of record who said they didn’t want the dog. So someone has to pick it up. She was going to drive up, but with the snow and shit up that way, I told her I would do it.
So my week will be pretty full, but the good thing is, you won’t have to put up with my shit for a few days. I can hear the yelling and whistling from here. But I promise to return with a vengeance. Besides, I have to tell you about Grannydot. Let’s just say two or three days on the road without the whining and complaining will be heaven.
I might try to tell you tomorrow before I leave – or not. Be good, folks. I do have a couple of pictures of two pugs that visited Santa for Marni and Lori. But Lori is have some problems with her Pugsley, and I don't want to maker feel any worse than she already does. So, when she says it's oaky, I'll let you see the two pugs. THEN it will be all the Santa pictures. Except maybe the one where I had to get on the floor for my Play Girl pose because the dog would not let anyone pick it up.
Later, Gator!
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