Some Of Our Christmas

This is just a small part of our Christmas.

 

First of all, did you notice my gay apparel? I have on my Santa dangling earrings. And this is Elvis. He is a chocolate cocker spaniel that Dr. Amber saved. He had Parvo and she was able to save him. He also has hip displeasure. We are fostering him until a transport can be arranged to send him to shelter in Florida that specializes in broke dogs. They have a vet who volunteers his time (for a minimal cost) to help out pets that can otherwise become a loving family member (which he is fast becoming here.)

 

This is Dr. Amber (her name is Amber and she is a doctor of veterinary medicine, thus, Dr. Amber – clever, huh) and her boyfriend, significant other, lover, pet handler or what ever, Bob. Seated is step-son, Steven and his wife, Laura.

 

This is Marni and her most favorite Christmas present. It’s a toy dog you attach to your leg and it humps and moans (and get faster and louder as it goes.) She took it home to Carl (who wasn’t able to come over) who I’m sure will trash it. After he takes it to work.

 

And this is a Keurig K-Cup – one coffee cup dispenser. You get a little cup and stick it in the top, press the button and out comes on cup of coffee. Marni gave it to Judy for her birthday (Dec 26) and we have loved it. It came with a variety pack and I have used most of the coffee. Judy is using the tea and hot chocolate. We ordered refills today.

Which reminds me! I don’t seriously ask for money from you guys, and I won’t now. But if you log onto Dr. Ambers web site (leftoverpets.org) you will see a place for donations. Don’t go there because of this. But if you happen to hear a little voice in your head telling you to go there, then it’s probably God telling you to go and donate fifty to seventy-five percent of your income to her non-profit organization. Or not!

What I am suggesting is the spot that says, “Give Back America. Org” If you are going to be shopping on-line anyway, click on this button and it will take you to many companies like Wal Mart, Home Depot, Amazon, Barns & Noble, etc. If you do this, Ambers group will receive a percent (I don’t know how much) of your purchase and it will not cost you any more. That way everyone wins. You have your purchase and you gave to a need organization that saves hundreds of animals each year. And it didn’t cost you one cent more. You must log in to her site first, but everything else is automatic and the same as usual when ordering. We will appreciate it, too.

State Motto

 

"Illinois, where our governors make our license plates"

Brought to you by my old Navy buddy, Quartermaster Chuck, who live in Des Planes - outside Chicago.

He would have sent it himself but he is frozen in and the electricity snaps off at the touch. I'm talking cold.

Oh Holey Night

This is my all time favorite Christmas song and John Berry's rendition is my favorit version.

I hope your Christmas was as beautiful as this song.

Enjoy!

Merry Christmas

 

Merry Christmas
from
The Coffey's
John & Judy

Marriage Proposals

 

I was on MSN.COM reading about the best and worst marriage proposals and it reminded me of my proposal to Judy (the wife formally known as Sweet Tea.)

We were at the mall. I had to go to the Electrolux store because I needed some vacuum cleaner bags, and we were sitting in a pair of chairs waiting for my order to come up. I turned to her, held out an open box with her engagement ring and ask her, “Will you and the kids be my tax deduction?”

She hugged my neck and said she would, and I have to tell you, that was the best tax deduction I have ever had. We made a killing that year on our return because we got married on Dec. 31, in the Cherokee County Court House. And she has continued to be my best deduction for over 15 years – though the kids have gone their own ways.

How romantic was your proposal? I know you can’t top mine, but give it a try.

Christmas Wishes for the Guys and PC For The Rest Of You

 

Hey, Guys...Wishing you a Merry Christmas and Happy Wishes.
For the rest of you I want it to be known that I believe in political correctness. Therefore I am sending the rest of you my Christmas Greetings.
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great.

Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country, nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere.


Thanks, Mary!

Winter of Life

 

And it's winter before we know it....

You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years.

It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all...

And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams... But, here it is..the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise... How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my babies go? And where did my youth go?

I remember well.. Seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like... But, here it is...my friends are retired and really getting gray...they move slower and I see an older person now. Lots are in better shape than me... But, I see the great change... Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant... But, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore...it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will...I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!!

But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over...its over....Yes , I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done ,,,,,things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime....

So, if you're not in your winter yet. .. let me remind you, that IT WILL BE HERE here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!!

Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!

You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for good today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

"Life is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one."

LIVE IT WELL!!----

ENJOY TODAY!!!!----

DO SOMETHING FUN!!!----

BE HAPPY!!!----

BE THANKFUL!!!!!

And if you would like to make me happy in my winter years...cash does the trick.

Thank you!

Santa's New Contract For 2008

 

Due to the lingering economy, and following the advice of the UAW and CWA, a new contract for Santa has been negotiated...Please read the following carefully…

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the economy and the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.

I now only serve certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. I also get longer break for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.

However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement that happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole and he shares my goal of delivering toys to all good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us.

They are as follows:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "This sleigh insured by Smith & Wesson".

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers children to leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you will hear "On Junior, on both you Bush's, on Martin and Labonte. On Jimmyjohson, on Edwards, on Biffle and Boyer. Dash away, dash away all before I take out your wedge and send you into the wall."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond "I hear'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have Yosemite Sam mud flaps with the words "Back Off". The last I heard, it has other decorations as well. One is a Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead you will see "Ernest Saves Christmas", “The Bad Santa” and "Smoky and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure that you, the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put the presents under the tree.

9. Don't look for the traditional stocking items this year either. Instead of chocolates and candy canes, children in the South can expect to find beef jerky, Vienna sausages and a can of Spam.

10. Toys will be assembled by Bubba Claus's elves in his Freedom Homes doublewide workshop.

11. And finally, lovely Christmas songs such as Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" will be replaced. "Bubba Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" will be played repeatedly on radio stations all over the South.

Sincerely yours,

Santa Claus
NAFE Local 209

Santapot and His Lady

 

I haven't been around much lately; only to read and occasionally comment on a few blogs. I had to make a rare mid-week transport to NY and do my Santa thing at Pet Smart. The above is Santapot and his elf, Judy (the wife formally know as Sweet Tea.)

Just trying to make it through the holidays – like everyone else. But if you are in the Atlanta area and have your dogs or cats or fish or snakes or lizards or any other pet with you, stop by and have your picture made with the stud of the North Pole – or me.

The Black Hole

My buddy, Tom, sent this to me.

Greed! Gets you every time.

Canadian Police Chase

Canadian Police Chase is the title, but I honestly believe this is a 'Rodney King' type video of E. Craig and Brother Dave back in their younger, wilder days.

We Older Folks Will Understand This

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.

 

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

 

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

We old folks understand this one.

Quote Of The Day

 

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

A Third In A Series About Christmas

 

Regardless of e.Craig’s hint, here is another more modern than the previous two post. I think this might appeal to you Mac users out there.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas
By Scott Small

'Twas the night before Christmas, as I clicked on my mouse,
Across a pile of old floppies, I had tried to degauss;
Windows kept hanging with a Blue Screen Of Death,
While I cursed out Bill Gates under my breath.

The missus slept, as did the kids and newborn,
So I took the time to surf for some porn.
I found a free site that contained many jpegs,
(So that's just exactly, how chickens can lay eggs!)
When out down the hall I heard a loud noise,
I jumped out of my chair and put back the boys.

I figured the wife must be up and about,
If caught again, she'd toss my ass out.
I laced up my robe and thought of a story
About why I'm up and how to say I’m sorry.

I stuck out my head by the light of the john
(One of the kids must've left the light on)
I squint and I strain to see what was what
When what hove into view but a giant red butt.

The first thing I thought was to reach for a bat
(Wait a minute. A red suit, fur trim and he's fat!)

The Claus man is here with high-tech type gadgets
The latest geek toys that run all the gamuts.

New cell phones! New sound cards! New controllers and games!
For Xbox! For Gamecube! For Playstation and MAMEs!

Wireless Routers! And they're eleven G!
Not slow! Not slow! Not slow like B!

As dial-up was, before we all had high speed,
Time seemed to slow as I watched with my greed.

"All those wonderful toys" as the joker did say,
Where does he get them? Best Buy and EBay?

And then, with a beeping, off went my pager,
(Some idiot at work with a dumb question, I'll wager)

As I fumbled to stop the beep-beeping sound,
Santa had stopped and now turned around.

It was unfortunate that he tripped the motion detector
Because the police would soon be dispatched to our sector

He dropped the toys to make quickly his escape
And flew 'cross the room like that dude in the cape

His ass -- How it rippled and flapped, I say truly
It's explained in a principle by a guy named Bernoulli.
Yes, he flew 'round the room just like he was Neo
While playing a song by Letters To Cleo

I silenced the alarm and he returned to the floor
I said I was sorry, but boy, was he sore!

He hitched up his belt and headed my way look mean
But I managed to calm him with some good ole Jim Beam.

We laughed, we talked and he told me his troubles
About a lawsuit, an affair and a chimp named Bubbles.

He was falling down drunk. He walked with a sway.
I thought I had better take the keys to the sleigh.

I pulled out my cell phone and called for a cab
To take the jolly old elf back to his lab.

He spoke not a word, but threw up on my slippers.
By the smell, for breakfast, he must've had kippers.

That's about the time the policemen arrived,
So I went for some coffee to get old Santa revived.

In his current state and with no ID to display,
The cops had no choice, but to haul him away.

He gave me the finger as the cops drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, IT’S BEEN ONE HELL OF A NIGHT.”

Another Version – Legally Speaking

 

My last post was the true Night Before Christmas every parent who has or have ever had small children. That is, except for the attorneys. Lawyers are a different bread of human being. You know, ‘What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.’ Well, this is the Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking.

The Night Before Christmas,
Legally Speaking

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.

The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"

Or words to that effect.

Respectfully Submitted,

s./ The Grinch, Esq.

The Real Night Before Christmas

 

The Parents Version

Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat—
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not too clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not run to the store for one single thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded—
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

They Are Taking Advantage Of Me

 

I’ve been found out. My reputation goes before me.

A lady from Denver, CO, called from a nationwide organization call Saving Shelter Pets and asked me to make a run to Corinth, NY, this weekend. I guess the Viet Nam and Chinese restaurants are running low on meat up that way so I agreed to help them out.

I have to go up to Chatsworth, GA, to meet the shelter people and load up with 24 puppies and 3 adult dogs, then head over to I-75 North into TN. Then through VA, WVA, Maryland, PA into NY. Nine hundred and thirty five miles – fifteen hours one way. I’ll drop them off and head on back. I’ll be back Sunday afternoon. Made my weekend! Yippy!

Then on Dec. 9th I head back up there for Dr. Amber. I'm turning into a true nomad.

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and that you ate up everything so that there’s no leftovers. Yeah, right!

If the Good Lord is willing, I’ll get back with y’all Sunday.

TTFN

Happy Thanksgiving

Brother Dave, E. Craig and I are a few of the people out there who probably watched this as kids. They just don't make videos like that use to.

Happy Thanksgiving (Turkey Day) to all of you. And for you folks who are not in the USofA, have a great day, too.

P C Seasons Greeting Card

I found this card on The Sun's web site. This card was created by Jon Gledstone.

Behold The PC Democratic Nativity Scene

 

1. Recycling bins outside the stable.
2. A sheep plugging veganism – and muzzled incase it bites – plus another sheep advertising British Meat in fairness to non-vegetables.
3. Banner proclaims: “Atheism Is OK, Too.”
4. “Fathers 4 Justice” protestor in Batman outfit.
5. Solar panels on stable roof.
6. Wiseman in a wheelchair.
7. “Safety In The Stable” poster.
8. Fire extinguisher next to poster.
9. Angel in high-visibility jacket.
10. Wheelchair ramp to stable.
11. Status from other religions surrounds the manger.
12. Joseph wears a hard hat – as does Mary.
13. “Mothers For Justice” demonstrator in Wonder Woman outfit.
14. Hand washing machine.
15. Essential first-aid kit.
16. Figure in T-Shirt with l=slogan: “Scientology Rocks.”
17. Airport-style metal detector.

Can You Believe It?

 

I bought gas today for $1.78 per gallon.

It's been a while, but, sadly, this may be as low as it gets.

Hope not! Keep Your Fingers Crossed!

All Puns Intended

My friend, Stacie, sent this to me, so enjoy...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.

6. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

7. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

8. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

9. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

10. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!

11. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

12. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

13. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

14. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

14. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

15. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal."

16. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

17. And finally, there was the person who sent many different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least 10 of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in 10 did (say the last five words aloud, fast)!

More Tuesday Humor

 

As you know, I get emails from many people passing along jokes, political propaganda and pictures (some I can't post because they are usually naked women in various poses and looking good and annd annnndddd aaahhhhha - whew - sorry! What was I saying? Oh yeah!) So below are a few of them and the peeps who sent them to me - incase you are incensed are offended you can tell THEM. I'm just the messenger. OOOKKKKK!!??!!!

From Cooper:
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

From Mary:
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm.'

'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there-that's all they talk about.

Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while.

Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

Another one from Mary:

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the clerk asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."


From My Shipmate, Joe:
Who is your REAL FRIEND?

This really works...!

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Another one from Joe:
Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the heck have you been?'
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'
'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
'I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust. ‘Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis?'
'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of your going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'
Larry is recovering in room 232 at the local hospital.

Christmas Is Tight This Year So...

My dear family and friends,

Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below. The choice of color of the slipper is somewhat limited, but I can accessorize with any color you like.

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
Decorate the tops with whatever you desire: silk flowers, novelty pins, ribbons, etc.

These slippers are:
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable
* Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags.

I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....

I’m awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.

 

Let Me Butter You Up

 

My blogger friend, Mr. Guinness, sent this to me and I thought I would continue my educational postings by passing this on to you.

This is interesting . . . .

Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it?

They have come out with so many clever new flavorings

Do you know the difference between margarine and butter? Read on to the end...gets very interesting!

Both have the same amount of calories.

Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams in margarine.

Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.

Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.

Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few; and those only because they are added!

Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.

Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.

And now, for Margarine:

Very high in Trans fatty acids.

Triple risk of coronary heart disease. Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol.)

Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold!

Lowers quality of breast milk!

Decreases immune response!

Decreases insulin response!

And here’s the most disturbing fact; the part that is most interesting!

Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC.

This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).

You can try this yourself:

Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:

* No flies, not even those pesky fruit flies, will go near it (that should tell you something)

* It does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value; nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weeny micro-organisms will not find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic, that’s why. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

I am sharing this with you because I want to 'butter you up.’

Chinese Proverb:
'When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others'.

Thank You For Serving, Guys and Gals

 

What Is A Veteran
Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing limb, a jagged scar, a certain look in the eye.

Others may carry the evidence inside them: a pin holding a bone together, a piece of shrapnel in the leg - or perhaps another sort of inner steel: the soul's ally forged in the refinery of adversity.

Except in parades, however, the men and women who have kept America safe wear no badge or emblem.

You can't tell a vet just by looking. What is a vet?

He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallons a day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn't run out of fuel.

He is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hours of exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel.

She - or he - is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing every night for two solid years in Da Nang.

He is the POW who went away one person and came back another - or didn't come back AT ALL.

He is the Quantico drill instructor who has never seen combat - but has saved countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members into Marines, and teaching them to watch each other's backs.

He is the parade - riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with a prosthetic hand.

He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals pass him by.

He is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns, whose presence at the Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all the anonymous heroes whose valor dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean's sunless deep.

He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket - palsied now and aggravatingly slow - who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all day long that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come.

He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being - a person who offered some of his life's most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificed his ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs.

He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and he is nothing more than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the finest, the greatest nation ever known.

So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country, just lean over and say "Thank You." That's all most people need, and in most cases it will mean more than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded. Two little words that mean a lot, "THANK YOU."

author- Father Denis Edward, USMC

Marine Corps’s Birthday

 

Happy Birthday, Devil Dogs!
Where ever you are!

Missing Wing

A very good example of not panicking in dire situations.

But I bet you couldn't have driven a straight pin up his ass with a sledge hammer.

My Life Is Changing

 

This Wednesday, the 12th, life as I know it will change. My household will never be the same and I will become a little richer (HAHAHAHA.)

I am changing my online, television and telephone to AT&T from Comcast (the phone has always been Southern Bell – now AT&T.) In doing so I will be saving $165 per month. I would kill a man for $50, so I had to jump at a chance to save that much money.

The only change that will affect you is my e-mail will be different. But I will publish that in my profile and to my e-mail peeps. I might be off-line for a day because I have many contacts (utilities, creditors, etc) to notify of my new e-mail address, plus I will be leaving Thursday on yet another pet transport to NY. So for a few days after Wednesday, y’all don’t post anything of substance or funny. I mean it. Don’t!

I just hope everything goes smoothly. If not, you may read about the untimely demise of an AT&T installer. Just kidding folks! It would be timely.

The Democratic Job Market

It could happen!!

Especially in California!!

Weekend Humor

Here are a few tidbits to lighten up your weekend - if it needs lightning up.
This one, if any of you know me personally, is my new theme song because it fits so well.


And in keeping with the educational traing like my past post, I present you men with some excellent advice about keeping peace in the house. Listen close men and take notes. It may save your life.


And finally, Tim has something to say about church.

Feel Better Now? I do!

Definitions One Must Know

 

Definitions one must know to help them though life.

No one wants to be thought of as DUMB, so next time you hear or read one of these words you will know the meaning and show how intelligent you are by responding in kind.

Your Welcome!

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only things you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

An Example and Informatin For Men

If I were to be buried this is the head stone I would like to have before I meet my maker.

 

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.